Chapter 71

"What's one thing you feel strongly? Anything. It can be about anything." I say passing around a piece of paper. Everyone contemplates my words and then they begin to write down their thoughts.

I wait patiently. When they pass them back, I stick them in a folder. A rule we have is not to read what they right in front of them. It tends to trigger some ugly responses.

This was learned the hard way.

"I want to know how you're feeling. Today. Yesterday. I'll go first. Lately I feel like I am in a tunnel, and I don't care about the light at the end because I just want out of it."

"I agree." Comes the responses.

"I want to talk about how to get out of the tunnel. You can tell me ways you have tried. You can tell me what you have been afraid to try. You can lie. As long as you all give me one answer."

Slowly, one by one they do humor me. I nod and add side notes as usual.

They ask me about my tunnel. I tell them that I named it failure.

They seem shocked at this. I don't seem like a failure to them. Then again, I did set them on the right track to freedom so how could I?

"Why do you think you're a failure?" Emily, a girl my age asks.

"The last six months of my life." I admit.

"That's not failing. That's a set back from trauma. From pain. You're the one that always tells us that trauma comes back as a reaction not a memory." Britton says.

"I just think maybe you guys think too highly of me. Sometimes I think I can't help you at all because I can't even help myself."

"But wasn't that the point of this place? Not having to help ourselves but having other people to lean on when we need help?" Emile asks.

"Is this about that guy that left? Did he do something?" Conrad asks.

"Yeah, he did. He blossomed and moved on. All the nights I spent, wondering how he was doing, if he was falling apart. I guess the reality was so far from what I was going through that it made me second guess myself." I laugh softly.

"Like a phoenix, rise from the ashes."

"And so, we shall." Emily states smiling at me. I can't help but smile back.

"Thank you all. It means a lot. I think we should end things here. I'll see you tomorrow night." They all file out and that's when I see him standing in the doorway.

"I didn't mean to interrupt." He states.

"It's alright. I didn't even see you until now. How long have you been here?"

"Long enough, I think."

I nod before standing up.

"Taking off in the morning?" I ask shutting the lights off and heading to the door.

"Yeah. I'll be back to check on mom though."

"Okay."

"So, you're a phoenix?" He muses.

"We all are." I shrug.

We step outside and I suddenly wish I had brought a coat. I unlock my car and climb in. I roll the window down.

"I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch. If I had known, it was hard for you I would have."

"You did the right thing, Carter. You did exactly what I wanted you to do. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm here, if you want to talk about it." He offers. I cringe covering my wrist instinctively.

"I don't think that's a good idea. We live different lives now."

"I guess so." He sighs stepping back so I can pull away.

Instead of going home I go to Elana's. She's awake, she always knows when I need her.

I knock on the door and wait.

"Come in." She smiles stepping back. "I thought I'd be seeing you."

"Sorry, I know it's late and you're tired."

"So are you. Where's our girl?"

"Mom's."

"Tell me what's on your mind." She says patting the couch beside her.

"I'm tired." I sigh leaning forward. "I'm so tired."

"Of what?" She asks rubbing my back.

"Of being broken. I'm not sleeping again." I admit.

"Are you having episodes again?" She asks concerned.

"No, the medicine works for that. I just don't sleep."

"Have you spoken to your doctor?"

"No, I can't go through that again." I grimace.

"Cassandra, you need sleep."

"I'm okay. Really, I swear. I'm not hallucinating. Or hearing voices. I'm not harming myself."

"I thought that only happened when you slept?"

"It did." I sigh.

"Consider telling Abby. She can help you."

"If I have to choose between sleep and living a semi-normal life, I'll choose the ladder every time." I say looking at her.

"Hang on." She says standing up and disappearing.

She returns with a bottle.

"What is that?"

"It's something to help you sleep. I think you should stay with someone when you take it just in case."

"That just in case? That's what scares me."

"Stay here tonight. Carter's here and-"

"No. He doesn't need to know about this. I'll come back and stay and take it when he leaves."

"Cassandra." She pleads. I stand up and shake my head.

"Elana, you know what it was like. How I was. I can't do it again. It nearly cost me my life." I whisper.

"I'm afraid if you don't use this, it will be your life." She says.

"I promise, I'll be careful."

I back towards the door and hear it open.

"Cassandra, think about this please." She says following me. "I know what happened was awful. I know it scared you. But you're stronger than your fears."

"You see, I'm not so sure that I am." I say turning away from her. Carter stands there glancing between us. I use it as my moment to escape. I climb into my car and drive home.

To an empty house for another sleepless night.