Chapter 39-1

With a deep steady breath William closed his eyes and dropped his head, his jaw clenching tightly as he sought to control the slight anger that rose within him. His free hand fisting against his knee as the one holding the ring slowly sank to his side. “Why, might I ask, are you refusing me this time?” William queried calmly, as hewaited on bended knee for an explanation to her quick refusal. “Is it the manner of my proposal? The timing? The size of the ring?” He questioned looking to her for any indication as to what had spurred her answer. “I realize it is no dazzling gem, but you have never displayed a care for such grandiose displays. And I too realize asking so soon after Sophia’s death is quite ill mannered. But I had thought us past such things since neither of us hold any special considerations for my late wife. And I do not ask you to marry me this day, Nan, merely sometime in the near future, a week, a month, a year.” William stated, his eyes searching hers for any sign of displeasure, for any hint of discontentment. “It is none of these things—“ Nan began only to stop when William shot to his feet before her. “Then why refuse me!” William snapped, his eyes locked with hers, so desperate to understand why she had said no, when he had thought with Sophia’s death she would offer no refusal. So greatly William wished to understand what prevented her from saying the yes he so longed to hear. It was near maddening that he could find no cause for her to decline him. “Why say no at all? If it is none of those?” he questioned, complete befuddlement warping his features as he stared down at the woman sitting before him, his eyes wide as he waited for her answer, or better yet an explanation as to why she had said no. "I know already my look has no bearing your choice. My temper, my money, my fam—“ He paused as the one thing he had never once considered as a problem rose to his mind. "Please don't me it's Clara?" he offered, dread wrapping around his heart like a cold steel fist. "Of course not!" Nan stated instantly, giving him the most absurd expression as though to question his very sanity for asking such a ridiculous thing. "I adore your sister." she confirmed with a small shake of her head and shrug. "Then why say no?" William shouted, his astonishment echoing in his tone as he flung his hands out to his sides, awaiting an answer that had yet to be voiced by her. "I didn't say no." Nan snapped shaking her head quickly, knowing her answer was wrong even before she realized what she had said, but again William cut her off before she could correct her error. "Yes, you did." William countered. "I asked you to marry me and you said no." he repeated, flinging an accusatory hand at her. "And last I had heard No still meant no, so unless you were speaking some other language where no means yes. You said no. Why?" William snapped at her, searching her features for some clue as to her answer. "Yes. I said no. But it was not the no you think it to be." Nan replied quickly, her desperation for him to understand seeping into her words, as she stared up at him, more flustered than she had been in years. And worst yet the more she tried to muster the words she wanted to say to him the more elusive they became. She’d never had such difficulty explaining herself to him and could not for the life of her understand why she was having such issues now. "Then pray Ma'am enlighten me as to your meaning. Why say no, if that was not the no you meant?" William all but snapped at her as his words dripped with the same cynicism that now filled his eyes. The very sight of which slashed at Nan’s hurt like a hot knife. “Because I wanted to ask you!” Nan snapped unexpectedly, rising from her seat like a shot as she said it. And once more the words poured from her mouth unbidden and unknown until after she had spoken them.  Twice now she had replied without thought, and twice now she wished to slap herself for the action. Closing her eyes on a tight wince and a slight growl she lowered herself back to the sofa’s plush cushions, crossing her arms under her breast as she scowled unhappy across the room and out the window. Such thoughtlessness she had thought herself well rid of. So many years she had not uttered a word that was not well thought out and certain. Now she found herself speaking without thought without certainty. The words just fell from her lips as they had before she’d come to Ashford and so badly she wanted to tear that part from her being, to cut that careless girl from her and have nothing more to do with her. "You what?" William asked, his previous anger vanishing like a poof of smoke on the wind. He wasn't entirely certain if his question had been asked for clarity to be positive he’d heard what he'd heard or to further the enjoyment of her uncharacteristic pouting. Though he felt he teetered more towards enjoyment than clarity. He wasn't entirely certain what stunned him more, the fact that Nan had wanted to ask him for his hand or that she now sat pouting on the sofa like a child. "I wanted to ask you to marry me." Nan growled out snappishly, her words biting especially hard on you and me, but even as she spoke her eyes remained glaring out the window of the study. "And that is why you refuse me?" William queried lightly, a small laughing smile curling his lips as her no suddenly gained new meaning for him. Yet William wanted to it hear this meaning from her before he would let the matter drop. "Oh for God's sake William!" Nan snapped at the air her hands flying out to seemly strangling some invisible being before her, before she looked to him and the smile he'd worn was quickly exchanged for a placid nonchalant expression. He quite enjoyed seeing this flustered side of her and wished to extend its presence for as long as possible. "My no was not a refusal." she bit glaring at him as though he were the most irksome man on the planet. "It was...thought spoken aloud." she mustered her clumsy answer hastily. "Thought that you do not wish to marry me?" William queried once more, his tone the same as before.