Chapter 19 The Voice Within
“We are colleagues… I will keep it that way.”
After what he said, I wrapped my hands around myself, the coolness of the air suddenly getting to me.
“Right,” I murmured.
He let out a small smile… one that didn’t reach his eyes.
“I could have told you over the phone, but I just felt it would be better to see you and talk,” he said.
“Goodbye, Joan.”
“Goodbye,” I replied.
I watched him as he walked away to his car and drove off.
When he left, I sat on the bench he had stood beside, locking my fingers into my palm as I replayed everything he said.
“This was what I wanted, wasn’t it?” I questioned myself.
“Clear boundaries, no confusion, no complications, and professionalism.”
“But why is my heart hurting as if I had just lost something?” I muttered to myself.
I took out my phone from my jacket’s pocket and stared at the screen, his name staring back at me at the top of my recent calls.
“Call him back,” a voice within me said.
“Don’t… this is what you want,” another said.
I locked my phone and put it back in my pocket.
Then I walked back home, the weight of the words I didn’t get to say pressing against my chest.
When I got home, Lena, who was scrolling through her phone, looked up.
“I’ve looked for you in your room… where did you go?” she asked.
“I…”
“Oh… no,” I stopped myself before I could say what I wasn’t supposed to say.
I can’t imagine what Lena would say if I told her that I went to meet Alex and that I felt so bad about letting him go.
“I went to get ice cream but I didn’t see the flavor I was looking for,” I lied.
“Oh… okay,” she said and looked back at her phone.
Then I went straight into my room.
Soon, another Monday arrived.
I got to work that morning and met Alex already working.
He had arrived earlier than usual. I walked up to the temporary desk, dropped my bag, placed my helmet on my head, and went ahead to start work.
“Good morning,” I greeted as I walked past him.
“Morning,” he replied without lifting his eyes.
The usual liveliness was not in his voice, not even a small smile.
I muffled and walked straight to start my measurements.
Though the gossip had died down a bit, some of them still judged quietly.
“I wouldn’t dare to look at his face this morning if it were me,” one worker murmured.
“She literally embarrassed him, and that was too much for someone who defended her,” the other said.
“I bet they are going through a rough patch now… men don’t like being embarrassed,” another added.
My fingers tightened around my clipboard, but I pretended not to hear them.
“He doesn’t seem bothered,” I said as I looked at him.
We worked like strangers throughout that day. There were no shared jokes, no lingering looks, and every time I tried to say something that wasn’t necessary, I swallowed it back.
By afternoon, I saw Alex packing up his things. He gave the site supervisor a few instructions and headed to his car.
There was no goodbye, not even a quick glance at me.
I stood still as I watched him drive off.
“This is what you wanted,” I reminded myself.
“But why doesn’t it feel so wrong?”
I was still struggling with my thoughts when I heard some workers talking about him.
“That’s unlike him. He never leaves before wrapping things up,” one worker said.
“I worked with him for his previous projects and he never left the site before anyone,” another replied.
That was when it dawned on me that I’d never seen him leave the site that early before.
“Wait… what if he’s leaving the project because of me?” I thought as I watched his car disappear down the road.
“No… it can’t be,” I answered myself, nodding the thoughts off.
I couldn’t focus on work after that. I kept reading the same measurements over and over again, correcting mistakes that didn’t even exist.
“What if he had opted out of the project because of me,” the thought crept back into my mind.
I tried to get it off my mind but it wouldn’t leave.
By the time work ended, I felt tired without doing too much.
At home, it wasn’t any different.
I walked up and down my room, and checked my phone too many times for someone who didn’t care.
“Get a grip,” I muttered to myself as I sank onto the bed.
I tried to distract myself.
I changed clothes, lay on the bed, stared at the ceiling, played mobile games, even called Theo and Lena to keep me company but nothing worked.
By night, I felt even more uncomfortable. The thought that I might have made him make a rash decision didn’t stop to hunt me.
“It’s not a bad thing to check on a colleague… especially the one who left work earlier than usual,” I said to myself.
The excuse felt flimsy but I held onto it anyway.
I called him twice, but he didn't pick up.
Then I remembered… I remembered the route to his house from the day I woke up there.
Before I could change my mind, I grabbed my car keys quietly and tiptoed out of the house without telling Lena or Theo.
I didn’t want questions or judgements. I just wanted to be sure he was okay.
I got there faster than I had expected. I parked in front of his house and stepped out of my car, my heart beating fast as I walked to the door.
I hesitated at first then I rang the doorbell.
No one answered.
I rang it again.
Still nothing.
Then I panicked.
“What if he left because he was sick and something happened to him?”
I took out my phone, my fingers shaking as I searched for his name.
Just as I was about to dial his number, the door opened.
The sight that met me made my breath stop.
He was shirtless.
“Holy fuck,” I whispered, my eyes on his bare chest.
“Joan,” he called, snapping me back to reality.
“Oh, yeah,” I said, immediately taking my eyes off him.
“What are you doing here at this time of the night?” he asked, clearly confused.
“I… I just came to check on you. You left work early and you didn’t pick up my calls, so I thought coming here would be better,” I explained.
“What the hell am I saying?” I thought, trying to steady myself.
“I’m fine. Thank you,” he replied, his expression unreadable.
“Okay, I’m glad. I will just take my leave now.”
With that I turned to leave, then I felt a cold touch on my wrist.
I turned back and our eyes met.
“Do you want to sleep over?” he asked, his voice low, but deep.