Chapter 24
“Nate, you can do better than this!” Silas’ voice was just shy of yelling. “Come on!”
I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. Starting in April, Shep had me doing more intense physical theory sessions after deeming fit for the next stage. So, for the past week and a half, my physical therapy used some regular workouts and machines. He was also helping me start to walk again.
The only problem was that Silas didn’t like the progress I was making. His frustration continued to come out, but I wondered how he would feel if he knew what it actually felt like. What it truly felt like not only to be a prisoner in your own body, but having to re-learn how to use every single muscle.
Right now, I was taking slow steps in between two bars. My right hand was shaking because most of my weight was on that one side. I gripped the bar tightly, but it had only been recently that Bo stopped holding me up. At the very least, my right arm was getting strong enough to hold my measly weight on the bars. My left hand could hold some weight, but my fingers struggled to curl around the bar completely.
While my right leg worked to some extent, my left was more like it was being dragged. I could still barely curl my toes on that side. Even though a slight breeze could have blown me over, my leg couldn’t support my weight.
“Come on, Nate. Keep pushing.”
Bo, my physical therapist, was squatting at the end of the bars, watching me. The only thing intense about him right now was the frown on his face. He’d butt heads with Silas a few times over the past few weeks to where Silas actually Alpha Commanded him not to speak unless he allowed. That didn’t stop his face from saying a million words.
I tried to take another step; the bars shaking as my own arms shook. It was too much for my right side to handle. My knees gave way, and I collapsed between the bars onto the soft flooring. Frustration oozed out of me. I could barely walk a few steps, and it wasn’t even without clinging to something for dear life.
Worse, Silas threw up his hands and turned his back. “Come on! You can do better than that. Get up, Nate.”
My physical therapist shook his head, coming over to kneel in front of me. Tears pricked my eyes, and I balled up my hands. Though, my left hand still couldn’t completely close.
“I’m doing my best, Silas. It’s not easy. It’s not like forgetting how to walk and then trying to relearn it. I physically can’t…”
“You can! You just aren’t trying hard enough!”
Glaring up at him, Silas froze when he saw my tears. “Get. Out. Now.”
“Nate…”
“Get the fuck out, Silas!” I actually screamed at him, my voice cracking and my throat feeling like it was tearing.
The room was quiet for a moment as I glared down at the blue mat under me. After a moment, the door slammed shut. My hands curled into fists, but my left wouldn’t even tighten all the way. Slamming my right fist into the floor, I yelled at the floor.
“Beta…” Bo was finally free from Silas’ command.
“Please don’t call me that.” I stared down at the darkening blue spots. “I’m not doing anything to deserve that title.”
He sighed. “Despite what Alpha keeps spouting, you’re doing far more than anyone I’ve known. You should still barely be able to keep your legs straight. Yet here you are, walking.”
“Taking two steps and crumbling isn’t walking, Bo. It’s falling.” Pushing back, I sat in a kneeling position. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Do you want to?”
I frowned at Bo. “What do you mean?”
He sat back as well. “You could accept defeat. Just stay in the wheelchair. We could get your arms strong enough to handle that on a daily basis. Just say you’ve lost too much muscle to use your legs. It would make things easier for you. You could stop forcing yourself through these sessions.”
I knew what he meant. Forcing myself in these sessions with Silas yelling at me like it was his life, not mine, that was on the line. His mobility hadn’t taken a hit. Only the fact that he had to take care of me. Still, I couldn’t help but be get angry at what he was suggesting.
Sure, I’d thought about it a few times. Wanting to wave the white flag as Silas yelled at me to do better or be stronger. Taking the loss and accepting my fate: accepting that I would forever be confined to this chair. Also enduring whatever hell Silas would put me through.
“I can’t.” The words finally came out.
“Why? Look, I will be here for as long as you want me. But Alpha…he’s not doing any good being here and you might never reach his level of expectation.”
Nodding, I smiled up at Bo. “You might be right.”
“Then…”
“For me. I have to do it for me. How…how can I look at everyone here if I give up?”
Bo sighed. “The pack would understand.”
“Maybe. But I wouldn’t. I’ve been the face of our leadership for years, Bo. I’ve told our warriors, our next generations, everyone, that we can be stronger. We can do more if we work hard and we try. Not to give up when things or situations get tough.”
Reaching up, I wrapped my right hand around the bar. “I’m already a hypocrite, Bo. I can’t keep living like that. Am I supposed to just tell everyone? Just kidding? You can give up when it gets too hard. I did.”
My left arm rose, and I forced it to wrap around the bar. My face twisted in pain, but I tried pulling myself up. Bo reached forward, but I growled at him. He stopped, his arms stay out to catch me in case I fell. The bars shook, but I slid my right leg forward. Taking a breath, I let it out as I pushed up as hard as I could.
It didn’t work for a moment. My leg locked and refusing to obey. Still, I let out a soft yell before pulling myself up more by my arms. I got my foot under me and it was easier to push up now. Shaking, I quickly adjusted my hold on the bars and nearly fell in the process. Bo had gotten up and lunged forward, but I growled at him again.
“Beta...”
“I’m…fine…” I huffed out, adjusting my left arm easier since it wasn’t holding most of my weight. “I will not give up. Not again. Never again.”
Bo nodded and backed away. “Slowly. Remember that stepping uses more muscles than just your legs and ankles.”
Taking a breath, I focused on each muscle in order to lift my right leg before stepping forward. The next was the hard point. Shifting my weight onto that leg, I felt it shake, but I slowly swung my left foot forward. My foot flattened ahead of me and shifted my weight a bit to carry some of it onto that leg.
Except that it couldn’t even hold that. My left leg crumbled, and I tipped, crying out as my left hand slipped. Grip failing, my arm slammed into the bar as I tried to catch myself. Bo surged forward and grabbed me, holding me up before I completely fell.
My head fell to his shoulder, and I cried. He held me and sobbed. I could say anything I wanted, but I was broken. Silas used to berate me that I was his weakness. Now I truly was. Weak and broken, never to be whole again.
“Beta, again?”
Taking a deep breath, I nodded. “Again.”
Bo helped me up, and I slammed my hands against the bar. We continued this for the next half hour. Usually we swapped over to the machines, but I refused, wanting to at least take a few steps without crumbling. By the end of the session, I was completely exhausted.
Helping me back into the wheelchair, I sighed and had to have him take me out. Silas was leaning against the opposite wall, fuming. He stepped up and Bo stepped back, baring his neck. Pushing me out of the hospital, Silas lifted me up into the car. The driver’s door slammed shut as he got in, and I rolled my eyes.
“You need to force yourself more.”
I didn’t even want to dignify that with an answer. All I wanted to do was take a shower and take a nap at this point. Without Silas yelling at me or hovering. He was doing one or the other. Sometimes he would even go for the gold and do both at the same time.
“Why don’t you leave the therapy to the actual professional, Silas?”
He scoffed. “I’m wondering if he is. He babies you. I might get someone else.”
“Shep recommended him as the best. I’d trust his recommendation over you.” Putting my elbow up on the window, I rested my chin against my hand.
We were quiet as we drove through town back to the pack house. I had PT three days a week with Bo. In between that, I did my best to still help where I could with the pack. If Silas wanted to talk about someone babying me, Sam was the worst.
“Next appointment, I want to see more improvement than that. I also don’t want you snipping at me.” He pulled into the pack house driveway.
“I don’t want you at the next appointment.”
Silas scoffed. “You’re going. You promised Shep, and that was the only reason he let you out of the hospital.”
I turned to him. “I said you, Silas. Not me.”
“Excuse me? I take you to the appointment…”
“Then don’t. Charles or Sam can take me. I don’t want you there anymore.”
Silas didn’t look angry, but he looked annoyed. Shaking his head, he shut off the car. He threw open the door and got out. Before slamming the door shut, he turned to me.
“Then why don’t I just stop helping you all together? You can do everything on your own now, right?”
I winced as the door slammed shut and he left me in the car, going into the pack house. The front door slammed shut as well, and I leaned my head back against the headrest. Of course, he would take it the wrong way. All I wanted was for him to just stop yelling at me. It wasn’t helping, despite him thinking it did.
After five minutes, I realized he really wasn’t going to come back. Opening the door, I frowned as I looked down. My wheelchair was in the trunk. Turning my hips, I let my feet dangle off the side. Slowly sliding myself off, I put both feet on the ground. Holding onto the car, I came off completely from the seat.
I was too weak, everything we did today not letting me put any weight on my legs. Falling, I closed my eyes, expecting to fall onto the concrete. Arms snagged me and kept me from hitting the ground. Looking up, I sighed as Charles helped me up.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Getting out of the car?”
He set me back in the seat. Popping the trunk, Charles brought my wheelchair around. I helped him get me into the seat before I maneuvered the chair out of the way of the door.
“I figured Silas told everyone not to help me.”
Charles shook his head. “He did.”
“Then…?”
“I’m human. He can try to command me all he fucking wants. It’s not going to work. I’m immune to his stubborn ass.”