Chapter 30 30- Claire
RANDOM FACTS: Claire has never heard her own name spoken aloud. But if she could, she'd want it to sound the way Riven signs it—like it matters.
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I should have followed him. It doesn’t matter how many strange new friends he has. I’m the only one that knows him.
Those are the words ringing through my head like a siren. They’re caving into my skull, making it hard for me to think about anything else but the fact that I abandoned him when he looked that way.
I’d never… I’d never seen him that way.
He’s always so… strong. Or angry. And he looked so sick. So… pale. And the dark circles.
I should have invited him in. I should have…
My thoughts stop when I see the mug of hot chocolate being placed in front of me. I stare at the steam in it, unsure of the new emotions welling inside me as I look up at her.
My Mate. Ariadne. The one who had saved me from my parents.
She looks beautiful, just as she had always looked. I think of how lucky I was to have met her somehow, or that she had met me.
Now that I think about it, I can’t even exactly remember when we first met. All I know is she appeared, saying she has been looking over me for a while and thinks it would be best if I stay away from my family and move in with her.
I didn’t question it at the time.
In a way, the fact that we met… just meant a lot to me. At the time. It meant someone cared enough to want me. To take me away from my family and keep me with them. And watch me. And feed me. And care for me.
Riven did all of that. And he didn’t make you feel like you owed him anything.
The tap on my shoulder takes me out of my thoughts as Ariadne signs to me, “You know this was good. He had to go. He’s hurt you before. And now whoever the fuck that guy is, hurt me. The only reason I’m not even filing for an arrest is because I love you and I know you care about him.”
Do you, really?
Those are the words I wish I could say if I could speak . Or if I could hear.
Maybe I would have heard the sadness in his voice and not had to search his face when he’s so good at hiding emotions.
Hearing people never really know how hard it is to read expressions. Sometimes people smile but they don’t really mean it. And they cry but that’s fake too.
Voices help, I think, since I’ve never heard them before.
But I can’t hear them, and faces are hard. So I always have to listen to my heart. It’s silly I know, and childish. I know, Ariadne tells me all the time.
But Riven thinks I’m brave for trying at least.
“He didn’t look okay,” I sign to her.
She rolls her eyes and signs back, “You’re just going to giving excuses for him. Maybe you’ll feel better when I’m locked away for good because of him.”
“You don’t know that he’s the reason—”
“Four years of working for that bank and I’m suddenly called in for embezzlement and you don’t think your friend is connected to it somehow?” She looks upset. Angry. But I don’t know how angry. I can’t tell. I can only read her hands. “What the fuck am I doing here if you’re always going to pick him then?”
But I picked you this time. I picked you. Aren’t you happy?
Those are the words I would say if I could speak. I’d probably blurt them out. And I’d sound like I mean it to… but when you sign things, you have more time with your brain to think about a decision before you do it.
But did I pick Ariadne… or did I fail to pick him?
When I look back up, Ariadne is gone. She’s done with the conversation I’m sure, and I probably should give her time to be alone… but I’m not sure I want to be alone.
Guilt eats me up from inside, gnawing at every emotion I have. It tells me that Riven would always pick me so I’m stupid and mean and ugly.
When I turn my attention back to the mug, the steam is gone… and the thoughts about him resurface.
Is he okay? Does he need a hug?
I rise up from the chair, trying to be quiet… even though I don’t fully grasp what that is and head to her room, knowing she’ll be there cause that’s where she always goes whenever we have fights.
The second I’m at the door, I can see her from the reflection of her mirror. She’s on a call, looking erratic as she paces back and forth.
It’s probably something about work. Or the entire police case.
I start to take a step back, planning on returning later, then I see her lips move and mouth the word, ‘Riven’.
And I stop.
I don’t like eavesdropping on people. It’s wrong. I know. But my legs stay stuck to the ground as I catch more words leaving her lips from the mirror, my brain picking each one until it makes a full sentence.
‘I can’t stand the beta or the stupid omega boy. How long do I have to keep pretending?’
She paces again. I catch more. ‘She’s just… needy. And desperate for love, you have no idea. Yeah, I know that I’m supposed to learn as much as I can about the stupid male but he has a new Alpha now that almost killed me. Yeah. Coulda been a Founder’s kid because I could tell he wasn’t even trying to kill me. He’s protecting the boy. Yeah. I don’t fucking know why. Isn’t that like good info? Now call off the fucking debt dogs, they’re irritating as fuck. Don’t you want more information? I can—”
My legs move again, and I’m running.
I don’t care if she can hear me. I don’t bother turning back either.
Riven. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.
I don’t stop to look back even when I get on the bus.
My heart’s racing, the tears falling from my eyes all on its own but I quickly wipe them all away as I try to ignore how painful the hurt in my chest has grown. Like I can’t breathe and I'm slowly dying.
My hands are shaking so badly I drop my phone. It clatters to the floor of the bus and I scramble for it, feeling the eyes of other passengers on me. They're probably talking. Asking if I'm okay. I don't know. I don't care.
I get the phone and quickly send him a text.
Riven. I'm so sorry.
My screen gets wet as I think of all the times she had told me that he was using me. She had asked why he would stay in the first place if it wasn’t just because I loved him. And no matter how hard I fought back, I know deep down…
I believed her.
Goddess, I believed her.
What if he thinks I abandoned him like his grandfather did? Like everyone did?
Let him be okay. I need him okay.
The second the bus stops, I’m hurrying out of it and heading to his house. I’m clutching my phone tight, my eyes falling on the cabin in the middle of the woods as I hurry to it.
I place my entire focus on it, the only thought being on my best friend, on the only person that had loved me no matter what.
But just before I can get too close, something grabs me from behind, placing something over my nose.
Riven’s face flashes through my head. “If someone grabs you, Claire, you don't freeze. You fight. You fight like your life depends on it, because it does.”
I thrash. I kick. I try to bite but vision blurs. My legs go weak. The arms holding me are the only thing keeping me upright.
No no no no no—
I try. I really try. But my body isn't listening anymore. My arms feel like lead. My eyelids are so heavy. The world is spinning, tilting, going dark at the edges.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry I didn't get to you in time.