Thirty

"Hey, honey. Your phones ringing again."

"Same number?"

"Yup. Maybe I should answer. Tell him you're not interested."

I threw a crouton from my uneaten gas station salad across the room.

"Shut up. You're supposed to be helping me."

Danny shrugged.

"I just don't know what the hell he wants. You think he's trying to get you to go back?"

"I don't know. I don't think Isaac would do something like that… Then again, it's not like I know the guy very well." I sighed, pushing the shriveled greens away in disgust. I wasn't hungry. I was too depressed to be hungry.

June dropped me off an hour ago. He offered to take me with him to greet his sister at the airport, but I didn't want to intrude on their family life. I was nothing but a class friend to June, so it would just be weird. Before he had to leave, we grabbed coffee at a shop down the road. Well, he grabbed coffee. I had hot chocolate. Once he was gone, though, I knew I needed company.

I was sinking fast.

The memories in my apartment were haunting, bittersweet reminders of the man I left. The man I hurt…

I shouldn't feel so guilty, right? He cheated on me. I did nothing wrong. He lost his temper. He assaulted me. Every injury I gave him was self defense.

Except for the emotional ones.

That empty look in his eyes as I walked out the door tore me apart. I swore I wouldn't abandon him. I didn't want to. But we were stuck in a loop that we couldn't escape. We needed a break before we did any more damage.

"So, are you done with him, then?" I cracked open my fourth can of Dr. Pepper, plopping on the couch beside Danny.

Done?

"I don't know."

"Well, are you going you going to drop his class?"

"No." I had thought about dropping, but I really enjoyed his class. It was like therapy to me, the smell of paint soothing to my soul. Besides, how would I explain my sudden aversion to June? He still didn't know about Joel and I.

"Are you sure you can handle seeing him after that brutal breakup? Won't it be awkward?" I picked at the aluminum tab.

"I don't care. I want to see him." Admitting it was freeing somehow. Call it selfish, but I didn't want to be completely out of his life. The mere idea killed me. Danny's gaze shot to me, her lips turning up ever so slightly.

"Do you love him?"

What? Her eyes were sparkling with excitement and intrigue. Wasn't she supposed to be telling me how terrible Joel is? That's what friends do, right? She did it with Evan. Yet here she was, asking me if I loved him, silently begging for the answer to be yes.

"I don't know. I've never been in love before. How would I know?" She sighed, tucking her legs underneath her, staring at the ceiling in a daydream.

"You just know. It's a matter of the heart, Jen. A feeling."

"A feeling? That doesn't sound very black and white to me."

"Because its not. Maybe if you tell me more about your relationship, I can give you an outsider's perspective." She turned to face me directly, taking my soda so she could hold my hands in hers.

"Like what?" I wasn't particularly looking forward to reminiscing such a sensitive topic, but I couldn't deny that I was a little excited to share my feelings with someone. The only person I seemed to connect to on that level was Joel, and I couldn't really talk to him about us and expect an unbiased opinion.

"Like, when you first met him, what went through your mind?" I thought back to that cherished memory, smiling instinctively.

"I thought he was the sexiest man I'd ever seen. He had a charming smile, a hot body. But then he spoke to me, and… I don't know. I just wanted to know him, I guess."

"Hm…" She grinned, biting on her thumbnail. "How about when you had sex?"

Mm… the sex. The sex was amazing.

"It was perfect. He taught me so much. And God, when he held me after. I just felt… safe."

"Eek! This is so great! It totally sounds like you're in love." I furrowed my brow at her excessive celebration.

"Are you forgetting that we broke up? And for good reasons, too. He literally cheated on me with his ex wife." Her shoulders fell, her lips puckering in a grimace.

"True. But you never did hear him out. What if she forced him?"

"No, it was very much consensual. He was holding her." I lowered my gaze as the image returned to me.

"No, not physically. But what if he was blackmailed or something?" I snorted.

"What the hell would she possibly have on us?" Danny lifted a perfectly sculpted brow. "Oh my God. You don't think she would report him?"

"From the sounds of it, that bitch would do anything to hurt that man. Including set him up for you to dump him."

Fuck. No way.

Could she have planned this from the beginning?

"I mean, come on Jen. Don't you think that if Joel was planning on hooking up with his ex, he would at least shut the door? It's sus as hell." Why was she making sense?

My blood was starting to boil. What the fuck was wrong with her? Hadn't she done enough? Was she so fucking insecure with her life that she needed to tear him down for her own twisted satisfaction?

"I could kill her." I growled, squeezing onto Danny's hand with an iron grip.

"Slow down there, Cujo. It's just a theory. You'll have to talk to him yourself if you want the details of what really happened." She was right. I took a deep breath, scrubbing both of my hands over my face.

"Okay. But I'm not doing it until Tuesday. I really do think the break will be good for us. That wasn't our only problem, after all." She smiled.

"Sure thing, girl. At least we uncovered one big truth tonight."

"We did?" She smirked, pulling her legs up to her chest.

"You love him."

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The next few days dragged on. It was weird spending a weekend without Joel. Even though we had only been together for a couple weeks, I had grown used to our little schedule.

I missed him.

I channeled my obnoxious fountain of energy into working on my senior capstone, getting myself ahead of the plans I had set in place. I was proud of the work I'd done. It reminded me just how close graduation was to being mine. My degree, an almost five year effort, was a few months away.

Then I would have to figure out where to go. Stay in Columbia, or seek opportunities in a bigger city? As much as I hated it, I felt like it still heavily depended on Joel.

Throughout my time away, several things became clear to me. The first was that our love and our anger were not synonymous. If we ever wanted things to work between us, we needed to learn how to control our tempers. The second was that I wouldn't be giving up on him. That fact actually came to being because of my tattoo. Every single time the ink would show itself, I was reminded of how much I cared about him. He was more than sex to me. He always had been. But I didn't show it enough. I wanted to continue to know him.

Who were his parents? Did he have siblings? How about a family pet?

There were so many basics that I had yet to learn. If he took me back, I would make sure to ask all of those little details.

By the time Tuesday morning rolled around, I had regained my confidence. I would ask Joel if we could meet after class.

Thankfully, Isaac stopped calling me after the first night. It would've been hell to wait to see him after talking to Isaac. They were so closely entwined that I just knew that if he was calling me, it was related to Joel. He left a few texts asking me to return his calls, but I ignored those too.

I just hoped that Joel had thought about it as much as I had during our break. That way we could jump straight into working it out.

I checked the time on my phone, smiling when I saw the background image of Joel post-run. Yea, I changed it. I decided that I didn't give a fuck if anyone saw it. It made me smile. God, I loved that man.

And I was going to see him. Finally. I was running a few minutes behind, but Painting never started on time anyway.

Nevertheless, by the time I entered, I noticed all of the other students in their seats.

"What's going on?" I asked June, looking for Joel but coming up empty. Instead, there was an older man standing on the platform. He had a large gray beard and soft brown eyes. Definitely an artsy type. But what was he doing here? And where was Joel?

"Not sure. He hasn't told us yet." Even June's eyes were troubled. Something was wrong. I could feel it.

I didn't bother setting down my satchel, and instead walked up to the platform boldly. The man caught my gaze, smiling gently.

"Yes?"

"Where is Professor Becker?" His brows pinched in concern as he folded his hands over his swollen belly.

"Ah. Your Professor won't be in for awhile. He had a medical emergency this weekend." Oh my God.

Whispers erupted behind me, but I couldn't hear the meat of them.

"What medical emergency? Is he okay?" I rushed out, panic surfacing so fast it made my head spin.

"Unfortunately, I am not allowed to disclose the Professors medical information to his students."

"I'm more than his fucking student!" I argued, raising my voice in frustration. The class silenced once again, likely wearing the same confused look as the man before me.

"Pardon?"

"Fuck this." I grumbled, turning to run out the room. It was obvious that Joel wasn't there and I knew who to call. I heard June shouting after me, but I didn't slow down. As I took the stairs, I flipped open my phone.

How could I be so stupid? Isaac had been trying to contact me. I should've known it was serious!

My heart was racing. What could've happened after I left? Oh God. What if he was in a car accident? What if he had some unknown medical condition and now he was in a coma? What if he got drunk and fell and split his head open?

The worse my theories got, the worse my hands shook. I finally managed to press the call icon for Isaac, holding the phone to my ear. Three rings and I was suddenly aware of how heavy I was breathing. I had no idea where I was running. I just knew he wasn't here.

"Thank God, Kitten. I thought you'd never-"

"Joel. Where? What happened?" My lungs were burning. Fall was coming and the air was dry, so combining that with someone who already never excersized made for a dry throat.

"Calm down. He's stable right now."

Fuck.

"Stable?" That implied that he wasn't always stable. What the hell happened? "Where?" I repeated again, reaching the art building parking lot.

"We're at the university hospital. He's sleeping right now, but you can come up. Room 511." My feet shifted in the direction of the hospital. It would take me a good ten minutes on foot, but it would be longer to wait for someone to take me. Besides, I didn't feel like waiting around. I had to get to my love. I took steady breaths, in through my nose and out through my mouth, as I jogged across campus. I was so glad I'd worn my converse and not sandles today. Once I got in a constant pace, I spoke again, hoping he hadn't hung up.

"What happened?" Isaac paused, and my lungs seized, refusing to breathe until I heard the news.

"He, uh… I'll tell you when you get here, Kitten." No. No, tell me now! I growled, shutting the phone and shoving it back in my bag.

511. 511.

I'm coming, love.

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"Joel." Wires, tubes, machines everywhere. He was lying perfectly still, a slow drip of an iv in sync with the steady rasping sound coming from his oxygen mask. It was unnerving.

"Hey Kitten." Christ. Isaac looked like shit. Not that I could talk, considering I'd just run nearly two miles, but damn. His hair was wild and mussed, his eyes tired, and his clothes wrinkled. He looked like he hadn't been home since the incident that brought him here. Had he been with Joel the entire time?

Guilt hit me like a train. If I had answered sooner…

He stepped forward, opening his arms for a hug. I was drenched in sweat, but accepted it anyway. I needed the comfort. I buried my face in his chest, taking in deep breaths of his cologne.

"What happened to him, Isaac?" I muttered into the fabric. He lifted his hand, placing it gingerly on the back of my head.

"He had a heart attack, Kitten."

What? I had to have misheard that.

"But, Joel is healthy. How? Oh God. You don't think-?"

"It's not your fault, Jen. So don't blame yourself. The doctors are still looking into it, but thankfully, it wasn't too serious. He didn't need surgery, but he is pretty doped up. They have him on narcos for his pain and blood pressure. He's been sleeping for awhile." I sighed in relief, taking my first real breath since the art room. No surgery. That's good, all things considered.

"I'm so sorry I didn't call sooner. I didn't know."

"Shh, I know you didn't, kitten. It was shitty timing, but I'm glad you're here now. And… if you're willing to stay, I'm sure Joel will be happy to see you." I leaned back to look at him, furrowing my brow.

"I'm not leaving." I stated sternly, watching his lips form into an exhausted smile.

"Glad to hear that, Jen. So fucking glad."