Twenty Nine

**Joel's POV**

*'I don't want you anymore.'*

This wasn't supposed to go this way. I should've never let Callie provoke me. I should've never let her challenge my love for Jennifer. But my damned pride got in the way. And in the end, Callie got exactly what she wanted.

I was alone.

Again.

I deserved it. Fuck, I knew I did. I shouldn't have freaked out like I did. Shit, I was lucky I wasn't cuffed for what I did to Jennifer. I should be in jail for laying a hand on her. Even if I didn't mean to hurt her, I did, and I fucking hated myself for it.

I never used to struggle like this. I had always been mild tempered. Calm.

I sure as hell never dragged my girlfriends across a room. What happened to me?

This love made me crazy.

"Marlbro, lights."

"You got it."

The gum wouldn't cut it. Not tonight. I knew that falling off the wagon wouldn't solve my problems, but it sure as hell would make them easier to face.

I paid for my smokes, adding a lighter since I'd thrown mine out. Damn, the prices had gone up. I forgot how expensive this habit was.

I didn't bother waiting to get to my car to light up. I walked behind the ice cooler out front, leaning against the brick exterior of the gas station and flicking the torch. With a few short puffs, my throat was filled with the calming heat of the smoke. It was heavenly. I let my eyes flutter closed, trapping in the nicotine for as long as I could before finally releasing it through my nose.

She was done with me. Finally done.

I lasted two weeks before completely fucking things up.

I wasn't lying when I told her that I didn't want Callie. I didn't.

That snake in the grass showed up out of nowhere, striking then retreating just as fast. She had heard about Jen from Yumi, and apparently figured she had rights to butt in. She said she was too young. Too naive. Fuck, she even tried to insult her beauty. As if Callie even held a flame to my Jennifer.

My Jennifer.

She wasn't mine anymore.

Shit.

Callie claimed that Jen wouldn't be enough for me. She claimed that I was confused. That she was some sort of emotional rebound. I knew she was grasping, but I took the bait anyway.

*'One more kiss. If you can honestly say you don't feel anything, I'll leave you and your precious student alone. I won't report you.'*

Fucking bitch.

As soon as the words 'I felt nothing, get out of my fucking house' left my lips, there was a crash from the kitchen.

As soon as I saw my baby, I knew she had walked in on it.

I tried to get her to listen to me. To hear my explanation. Though, I knew now how stupid that was. It didn't matter why I did it. I still cheated on her.

The irony was not lost on me, either.

I obsessed over being the only one to touch her, yet I willingly placed my lips on another woman, while she was busy cooking me fucking dinner.

There was a special place in hell for me, I just knew it.

My cigarette ran out before I was ready, so I pulled another out with my lips.

What now?

Would she report me? Was she going to fuck June tonight?

My jaw clenched at the mere idea of him touching her, seeing her naked body beneath him, the ink I swore only I would see. I fucking hated it. But there was nothing I could do. I had been cut out.

And it would be perfectly natural for her to seek affection from him. He was young, attractive, kind…

Shit, why wasn't I more kind?

Countless images flooded my mind. Fight after fight. She liked to provoke me, sure. But that didn't excuse me. I was an asshole.

A pain panged my chest. This had to be the sixth one since she left, and they hurt like hell. I used my free hand to rub circles over my heart until it passed.

Maybe Isaac was free to make a bar run with me. I could use some public drinking. If I drank at home alone, I would do something stupid. I just knew it.

I needed shots.

.

.

.

"Hey man. Feels like I haven't seen you in ages." He threw an arm over my shoulder, despite the fact that he was shorter than me, leading me into the bar. Yea, I chose the same one I met her at. It was sappy and pathetic, but it made me feel closer to her somehow.

Even if there was a good chance she was in June's bed right now.

"Beer?"

"Tequila." His eyes widened as he slid into the stool beside me.

"Damn. A sudden bar run and shots? Who died?" I didn't have the energy to glare at him. I just set my wallet and smokes on the counter and ordered my drinks. I downed one of the shots before turning to face him. He was eyeing my cigarettes with a serious look. "For real, man. You good?"

"No. I'm not good. I fucked up." I growled, reaching for the second, enjoying the burn of the liquor as it trickled down my throat. He took a sip of his freshly poured beer, turning to face me.

"Have another fight with your girl?" I tried not to flinch at the way he called her mine.

"Callie came over tonight." I thought he would choke.

"The fuck? To your house?" I nodded, hanging my head in shame. "Okay. So what'd that bitch want?" The liquor wasn't kicking in fast enough, so I ordered two more, as if it would speed it along.

"She showed up while I was at the store, insulted Jennifer, gave me a shitty watch for my birthday."

"Okay? So why're you here?" I took a deep breath, scrubbing my hand over my face.

"I kissed her." His mug came down with a clatter, sloshing beer onto the counter.

"What?" He whispered aggressively. "Are you fucking stupid? Why? Did you tell Jen?"

"Didn't need to." He furrowed his brow. "She saw it."

"Dude."

"I know."

"She left you." He wasn't asking, but stating a fact. Of course she did. Who wouldn't after that? "What happened?"

"Well…" I lowered my volume, my eyes serious. "I pushed her." His eyes narrowed.

"You'd better mean metaphorically. I know you didn't lay your hands on that girl." I shook my head, downing another shot as the tears threatened to resurface.

"I don't know what happened, man. I had her pinned to the couch. I was scared of losing her." He brought his hand to his hair, a sure sign he was frustrated.

"Honestly, you deserved worse than her leaving, Joel. I thought you really liked her." I scowled.

"I loved her, Isaac. I still do."

"Nah, man. That's not love. That's fucking crazy."

"Shit." The pain came back, and I clutched at my chest.

"Hey, you okay? Maybe you should take it easy on the shots."

"I'm fine."

"Okay. Well, I'm just saying. You ought to be begging her forgiveness right now, not slumming it with me, drowning your sorrows. You're fucking lucky if you still have a job on Monday."

"I tried begging. It didn't work. She said she didn't want me anymore."

"Damn right. Because she's a smart woman." I grit my teeth. "Don't look at me like that. You know full well that abuse is a perfect reason to get the fuck out."

"I wasn't abusing her." But the image of her trembling in my arms, fighting to get away from me flashed in my mind. Fuck. When had it gotten that bad?

I felt tears slipping from my eyes, but I didn't do a damn thing to stop them. What had I done? Shit, he was right. It didn't matter if she would never take me back. I still had to apologize for hurting her.

"So you're giving up, then?" What? "You're done with her?" Why the hell would he say it like that?

"I'm not done with her, asshole. She's done with me." But he shrugged, like a smug little bastard.

"Same thing. You're not fighting for her. So you're done."

"Yea? And what the hell do you expect me to do? Harass her until she takes me back? Even you said she deserves better than me." He shook his head, taking another sip, obnoxiously loud.

"I didn't say that. I said she doesn't deserve to be abused and cheated on. But I've known you my whole life, man. I know you can give her better. I've seen it. You wasted ten years on that bitch who didn't deserve it, and then gave the best damn woman you've ever met the shitty leftovers. You can fix it. I know you can."

*'Let me fix it.'*

Bullshit.

"I appreciate your faith in me, but I think it's over. It would take a miracle for her to even let me near her again. I lost her." My eyes flitted to the very spot on the balcony she first kissed me, and the pain returned. Fucking hell.

"Dude…?" He held out an arm to stabilize me.

"I'm fine. I just need a smoke." I insisted, clambering from the barstool on uneasy legs. Thankfully, the balcony was empty. I needed some time to think, away from the loud ass music and crowds that I had been trying my best to ignore.

I stepped over the little lip onto the concrete, crossing to lean on the railing so I could light on stable footing. Once I got a drag in, I turned, sliding down to the same position I sat with her in. I could practically smell her next to me. She tasted like cocktails and something to prove that night. She really was something else.

God, I loved her.

I leaned my head back, watching the clouds above, pretending I could see the stars. If by some miracle, I ever had her in my arms again, I would never let her go. I would love her.

A sinking feeling formed in the pit of my stomach.

"I never told her."

Fuck.

Crushing tightness, worse than anything I'd experienced all day, struck my chest, and I couldn't breathe. I was gasping. Everything was spinning, moving in and out of focus.

What the hell was happening to me?

Before I knew it, my cheek was against the concrete and Isaac was shouting at me.

"Joel!" Shit. I couldn't talk. "Fuck, hang in there. Help is coming."

Then, everything went black.