Chapter 196

Chapter 196
DON LUCA

I gripped the parallel bars until my knuckles turned white and tried again to force my legs to move, to take even one single step forward but my legs hung beneath me useless and dead and rage burned through my chest so hot I could barely breathe.

"Come on, move, damn you, move!" I growled at my body.

I pulled myself forward using just my arms, dragging my legs behind me, and made it two steps before my grip slipped and I crashed to the floor.

Pain exploded through my shoulder where I hit the ground but it was nothing compared to the fury tearing me apart from the inside.

I slammed my fist against the floor over and over until my hand throbbed and blood smeared across the wood.

"Don Luca, please, you need to stop, you're going to hurt yourself worse," the physical therapist said, rushing toward me.

"Get out," I snarled without looking at her.

"But you need help getting back into the chair..."

"I said get out!" I roared and she jumped back.

She hesitated for only a moment before gathering her things and hurrying from the room, the door closing behind her with a soft click.

I lay there on the floor breathing hard, staring at the ceiling, and hated everything about my life.

This room. This body. This existence where I couldn't even stand on my own two feet.

I don't know how long I stayed there, maybe minutes or maybe hours.

The door opened again and I prepared to scream at whoever dared to come in.

"The therapist said you threw her out" Kiera's voice came from the doorway.

"Good, maybe she'll quit and they'll stop sending people to witness my failure," I said flatly.

"Luca, you can't keep doing this..."

"Can't keep doing what? Can't keep trying to walk? Can't keep fighting to be something other than this useless shell?" I finally turned my head to look at her.

She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. "Can't keep pushing away everyone who's trying to help you."

"I don't need help, I need my legs to work and since that's not happening, everyone can leave me alone," I said through gritted teeth.

"So you're just going to lie on the floor and feel sorry for yourself?" Her voice had an edge I wasn't used to hearing.

"What do you care? You got what you wanted, didn't you? The great Don Luca brought low, unable to hurt anyone, completely powerless," I pulled myself to a sitting position using the parallel bars.

Kiera's face went pale. "You think I wanted this?"

“Isn't this exactly what you prayed for all those years ago when I forced you into marriage? For me to be broken and helpless?" I dragged myself closer to where the wheelchair sat.

"Stop it," she said and her voice shook.

"Why should I?" I grabbed the wheelchair and tried to pull myself up but my arms were shaking from overuse and I couldn't get the leverage.

Kiera moved to help me but I shoved her away.

"Don't touch me!" I growled.

"Let me help you..." She pleaded.

"I don't want your help! I don't want your pity or your sad eyes or your gentle voice, I don't want anything from you!" I tried again and failed again, collapsing back to the floor.

"I do care! I care so much it's killing me watching you destroy yourself like this!" Kiera's voice rose.

"Then stop watching, go take care of your children and leave me alone," I said coldly.

"Our children, they're our children, Luca, and they're having nightmares every night because of what happened, they wake up screaming and asking questions I can't answer," she corrected and tears filled her eyes.

Something in me shifted but I gritted my teeth, “What does that have to do with me?”

Kiera stared at me, her expression haunted. "Everything, it has everything to do with you because you're their father and they don't understand why you are always surly or why you don't play with them again”.

"Maybe they'd be better off if I wasn't their father, maybe everyone would be better off if I'd died in that fall instead of ending up like this," I said and the words tasted bitter.

The slap came so fast I didn't see it coming, Kiera's hand connecting with my cheek hard enough to snap my head to the side.

We both froze, her hand still raised and my cheek burning where she'd hit me.

"How dare you say that? If you had died, what would have happened to your children? How would I have loved without you? I spent hours on my knees praying for you to wake up, everyone in this house has been walking on eggshells trying not to upset you," she said and her voice was shaking with fury.

"I didn't ask for any of that and you would have loved just fine," I said, touching my stinging cheek.

"I would not have done just fine because I am not doing fine even now. Do not ask me to stand by while you push away everyone who loves you and hate yourself for something you can't control," Kiera said and tears were streaming down her face now.

"You don't understand..." I muttered.

"I understand that I'm tired, I'm so tired, Luca, I can't keep doing this anymore," she cut me off and her voice broke completely.

Something in her tone made me go still.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I can't watch you destroy yourself, I can't keep being your target every time you need someone to lash out at, I can't keep pretending I'm strong enough to hold this family together when everything keeps falling apart," Kiera said, wiping her tears.

"Then leave, if it's too hard, just go," I said even though my heart constricted painfully as soon as I said it.

"Is that what you want? You want me to take the twins and leave you alone in your misery?" Kiera asked.

I opened my mouth to say yes, to tell her I didn't need her or anyone, but the words wouldn't come.

Because the truth was the thought of her leaving made something cold and terrifying settle in my chest.

"Allegra tried to kill herself, did you know that? Did anyone tell you?" Kiera said suddenly.

I went still. "What?"

"She tried to kill herself and Angelo blames me, he thinks I'm the one who hurt her and I can't even defend myself because I was there and was holding the bloodied knife and then he walked in and..." Kiera was crying so hard that she could barely get the words out.

She stopped and buried her face in her hands, her whole body shaking with sobs.

"I don't know what's real anymore, I don't know if I'm losing my mind or if everyone else is right and I'm some kind of monster who hurts people," she cried.

My heart clenched at the sound of her crying and a blurred vision, something that felt almost like memory trying to surface flashed into my mind.

A woman crying. This woman. Me holding her and telling her everything would be okay.

The image flickered and vanished before I could grasp it.

I looked at Kiera really looked at her for the first time in weeks and saw how thin she'd gotten, how exhausted she looked, how her hands were shaking even as she tried to wipe away her tears.

"Kiera," I said and my voice came out soft

"I can't do this anymore, I can't be strong for the twins and for you and for everyone else when I'm barely holding myself together," she whispered.

She looked up at me with red swollen eyes. "So tell me what you want, Luca, tell me if you want me to leave because I will, I'll take the twins and go somewhere far away where we won't be a burden to you anymore."

The cold feeling in my chest spread and I realized with startling clarity that I didn't want that at all.

I didn't want her to leave, not now and not ever.

Even though my mind was still foggy about so much of our past, the thought of her not being here made everything feel wrong.

"I don't want you to leave," I said quietly.

"Then what do you want? Because I can't keep living like this, waiting for you to remember, watching you hate yourself, being blamed for everything that goes wrong," Kiera asked.

"I don't know what I want, I don't remember enough to know what I should want," I admitted and it was the most honest I'd been in weeks.

"Then maybe that's the problem, maybe you need to stop trying to remember and just start living in the present," Kiera said, wiping her face.

"How am I supposed to do that when I can't even stand up?"

"I don't know, but whatever you decide, you need to do it soon because I can't keep breaking myself trying to hold you together," she said and her voice was so tired it hurt to hear.

She moved toward the door and panic flared in my chest.

"Wait, don't go, please," I said and hated how desperate I sounded.

Kiera paused with her hand on the doorknob but didn't turn around. "Why not?"

"Because you're right, I have been destroying myself and everyone around me, and I don't want to do that anymore," I struggled to find words for something I didn't fully understand.

She turned to look at me and the light from the window hit her face, highlighting the exhaustion and pain written there, and something stirred in my chest that had nothing to do with memory.

She looked so damn beautiful even with her red rimmed eyes and swollen face.

"What are you saying?" she asked.

"Help me get in the chair, please," I said.

Kiera hesitated for a long moment and then crossed the room and bent down beside me.

This close I could smell her, something soft and clean that made my breath catch, and when her hands touched my arms to help lift me, heat spread through my skin where she made contact.

She was stronger than she looked, helping me leverage my weight, and our faces ended up inches apart as we shifted my body toward the wheelchair.

Her breath was warm against my cheek and I found myself staring at her mouth, at the way her lips parted slightly as she concentrated on not dropping me.

"Ready? On three," she said and her voice came out breathless.

We moved together and I ended up in the wheelchair, but my hand was still gripping her arm and hers was pressed against my chest and neither of us moved to break the contact.

"Luca," she whispered and the way she said my name made something tighten low in my stomach.

I could feel her pulse racing under my fingers where they wrapped around her wrist.

"You're shaking," I said, my thumb brushing across her skin without meaning to.

"So are you," she said and her eyes dropped to where my hand rested against her chest, feeling my heartbeat.

The air between us felt charged, electric, and I wanted to pull her closer, to see if her skin was as soft everywhere as it was on her wrist.

I had touched this skin several times, enough to make babies and damn, how could I forget something like that?

I needed to remind myself of how sweet she felt.

"I should go," Kiera said but she didn't move, didn't pull away, just stood there with her hand still pressed against me.

"Stay," I said and my voice came out gruff "Just for a minute."

"Why?" Her eyes met mine and I saw desire mixed with fear mixed with hope.

My hand slid from her wrist up to her elbow, feeling the softness of her skin.

“Because I'm trying to remember how your skin felt."

Color sprang to her cheeks and her eyes darkened with desire.

"Show me how you want to remember thst?" Kiera's voice was barely above a whisper.

I pulled her down until our foreheads touched. "I think I've been wanting you since you walked into this room."

"Luca..." Her eyes were wet with tears but her body was pressed against mine now, her chest rising and falling rapidly.

I leaned close until our breath mingled, the kiss was careful at first, tentative, just my lips brushing against hers.

She made a small sound and kissed me back, her mouth soft and warm and tasting like tears and sweetness.

I deepened the kiss and her hands moved to my hair, gripping tight, and pleasure shot through me sharp enough to make me forget about my useless legs.

This, this feeling of her mouth on mine, her body pressed against me, her breath mixing with mine, this felt right in a way nothing else had since I woke up.

When we finally broke apart we were both breathing hard and Kiera's lips were swollen and red.

“I love you”. She mouthed and my throat constricted.

I opened my mouth to reply her but couldn't.

“It's okay…we'll take it one step at a time”.

She placed a kiss on my forehead and leaned her head on my shoulders.