Chapter 46 Nikolai
A week had passed since Anya disappeared.
Seven days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours. Ten thousand and eighty minutes without Anya.
And I had not slept. Not once. Not even for a moment.
Because every time I closed my eyes, I saw him. The twelve-year-old boy. The broken child I had tried to bury.
He never left me alone anymore. Not even in the daylight. Not even with all the lights blazing.
My men started avoiding me like a plague.
They scattered when they saw me coming. And pressed themselves against walls to let me pass.
I could see the fear in their eyes. They were horrified. They pitied me.
I had become a monster, worse than I ever was before.
My hair were wild and overgrown wild. It fell way past my shoulders now. I had not combed them in days now. They were tangled and unwashed.
My beard was long enough to braid. It was thick and unkempt, hiding half of my face.
I looked in the mirror once, just once and what I saw made me vomit. I looked like a madman. A skeleton stared back at me. My chest were hollow. My eyes were sunken with dark circles so deep they looked like bruises. My skin had turned pale, stretching over my bones.
I looked like death itself.
So I decided to stop looking at mirrors. I covered all the mirrors amd avoided my reflection.
The boy in the cellar appeared constantly now. He was everywhere, all the time.
"You let her go," he whispered one night while I sat on the floor. His voice echoed in my head even when he was not visible. "You failed her. Just like you failed Mother. You are weak. Pathetic. And useless!"
"Shut up!" I screamed. Over and over until my voice cracked. "You are not real. You are just in my head! Fucking leave! Please!"
But he laugh. He was making fun ofe again. His laughter was cold, and cruel. It sounded too much like my father's. "I am the only real thing left. You destroyed everything else."
The servants would sneak food into my study. Leaving it on my desk. Fresh bread, hot soup and oasted meat.
But every time I reached for it, the boy would appear. Sitting across from me. Staring at me with those accusing eyes.
"You do not deserve to eat," he would say. "Not while she is gone. Not while she is suffering. You should be looking for her. You should be bringing back the light in your life. You should get Anya back!"
And I would push the food away. Unable to swallow even a single bite.
I was famished. My stomach growled with hunher constantly, but I just ignored it. Because what was the point? That bastard would appear and accuse me again.
I tried everything to avoid him. But he kept coming back. Showing up everywhere.
And I killed more people. I had lost count of how many. That was the only way to keep myself busy.
The estate ran red with blood. The smell of death hung heavy in the air.
Mikhail stopped coming to see me. He would leave reports outside my door. Knock and leave before I could open it.
Even he was afraid of what I had become.
Other mafia heads came to visit. To offer their help. To see if the rumors were true.
They would take one look at me and shake their heads in pity.
"He is lost," I heard one of them whisper. "He’s beyond saving. The great Nikolai Morozov has fallen."
Katya came once. She stood in my doorway and stared at me with wide, horrified eyes.
"I am leaving," she announced. Her voice was shaking. "When you come back to your senses, when you are yourself again, I will return. But I cannot stay here. Not like this."
I said nothing. I did not even look at her. I just continued staring at the wall where the boy sat laughing at me.
She left. I heard her footsteps I'm the hallway.
And I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I did not touch all the foods they brought. They sat rotten on my desk, attracting flies.
I could not remember the last time I had eaten.
My body was eating itself. I could feel my ribs, my hip bones, my collarbones coming out. They were sharp enough to cut.
But I did not care.
"Bring her back," the boy whispered constantly. "Bring Anya back. She is the only one who can save you. The only light in your darkness."
"I am trying," I whispered back. My was voice hoarse and broken. "I am trying to find her."
"You are not trying hard enough. You are weak and pathetic. You deserve to suffer."
And maybe he was right. Maybe I did deserve this.
The nightmares came even when I was awake. Hallucinations were so vivid I could not tell what was real anymore.
I would see Anya sometimes, standing in the corner of my study, smiling at me, reaching out her hand.
"Nikolai," she would say softly. "I am here. Come to me."
And I would reach for her, desperately, crying my eyes out. Finally she was here. She had come back to me.
But my hands would only pass through empty air and she would vanish like smoke.
"She is not real," the boy would laugh. "She is gone. And you will never find her. You will die alone. Just like you deserve."
I screamed. I threw things. I destroyed my study. Broke every piece of furniture. Shattered every window.
But nothing helped. Nothing made the pain stop. Nothing brought her back.
One morning, if it even was morning, I could not tell anymore, I heard a soft knock on my door.
I ignored it. As I ignored everything.
But then I heard something slide under the door. It was a piece of paper.
I stared at it for a long time. I was too exhausted to move.
What could it be?
Had they found Anya?
Desperately, I crawled on my hands and knees to the door. I was too weak to stand properly.
I picked up the paper with trembling hands. My vision was blurry. I had to blink several times to focus on the words.
It was a report. The latest intelligence from my network.
"Alexei Volkov was seen throwing an elaborate party last night at his estate. He did not invite anyone from the other families. It was just him and his household. He was celebrating a new achievement. He refused to say what the achievement was. But sources say it is suspicious because he has not sealed any business deals in weeks. No new territories. No new alliances. Nothing."
My hands shook as I read it again and again.
A new achievement. What achievement?
Alexei was not a man who celebrated without reason. He was calculating and strategic. Every move he made had a purpose.
What was he celebrating?
And then it hit me. Like a bullet to the chest.
Anya.
He had Anya.
Anya was his new achievement!
That bastard had taken her.
He had been keeping her while I tore myself apart looking for her.
The paper fell from my hands.
For the first time in seven days, I felt something other than despair.
I felt rage. It was pure and burning.
Alexei had her.
Alexei had my Anya.