Part One Hundred
The house was eerily quiet and dark. I sat down at the counter and knew that on any other day, Karani would be in front of the stove. She would have something baking in the oven, bacon frying in a pan, the coffee maker would be filling the kitchen with its aroma. She would be smiling, and I would kiss her on her cheek.
I broke down again. I cried and just let it out. It came out as a mixture of a scream and a growl. I couldn’t contain all of this. My soul felt empty although it was bursting with emotion. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I just had to get through this day. I wanted to die.
I shuddered as I remembered the last time I walked into this church. It was the day we buried the Goldman’s and before that, Sarah. Today was my turn to sit in the front pew. I wanted to turn around and run out, but Malachi put his hand on my shoulder, and I had to keep going.
We sat down and I looked at the coffin in front of me. I could smell her there. I didn’t want to be here but if I left now, Karani would be so embarrassed. I couldn’t do that to her.
The pastor stood in front of the podium and he started with a prayer. He prayed for our souls, to find comfort with God, to put our pain in His hands. We all said Amen and sat down again. He opened his Bible and looked first at Malachi and then at me.
“Karani was well loved in this community. She had a wonderful heart and a warm smile for everybody. Her charity programs fed the homeless and her shelters gave them safety from the streets. Karani was such a special person, and her loss is greatly felt by all who knew her. I would like to read to you from John 11 verse 25 and 26.
“I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he dies, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.” There was silence in the church and in my mind, I couldn’t understand what he was saying.
“God wants us to live forever, we must find peace in His word. Trust and believe in Him. Let God comfort you and guide you in this time,” he indicated for us to stand again and Shoran walked up to the podium.
She took out her violin and started playing ‘Time to say goodbye’. Her violin filled the church, and I couldn’t bear it any longer. I stood up and walked out of the church. I couldn’t breathe. I bent over on the steps of the church and tried to breathe. James was right there, his hands on my back.
“Brother, talk to me. How do I help you?” he asked me. I didn’t know how to help myself.
“Can’t breathe,” I managed to get out.
“It’s okay. Just in and out. Slowly. Focus on that. Breathe in and breathe out. You can do it,” he guided me. James stood with me the whole ten minutes it took to calm my heart rate and breathe normally. The doors opened again, and Malachi came towards me and James.
“It’s time to carry her out, son,” he said solemnly and I knew this was just as hard for him as it was for me. I nodded and took a deep breath. I followed Malachi back inside with James closely behind me. Adara’s eyes followed my every move and it irritated me immensely.
The pack stood up and waited for Malachi and me to take our positions in the front. Behind us came Garrick and James and the rest of the pack each found a spot to help carry Karani back to the car. The car would then take her to the crematorium where we would pick her body up again later.
The cremation technician, Jared Williams, was human but known to the wolf community. He received our dead and kept them in their coffins. We picked up our dead and completed our ceremony where the body would be taken back to the crematorium to be cremated.
It felt like déjà vu, we had done this for Marrick and his family and I wanted to pass out or vomit or just run away. This was too hard and I didn’t know how to do it.
‘One foot in front of the other,’ Malachi said in my head.
We carried my mother, and every member of our pack was crying freely. Karani had been a ray of sunlight in all our lives. We walked down the steps, careful not to let her fall. We slid her coffin into the hearse and Malachi closed the door.
It felt so final, but I knew that it wasn’t. We would set her wolf spirit free tonight, under the moon. We did that for all the fallen members of our pack and the ceremony we had done for the Goldman’s was no different. Malachi was the one to step forward and set their spirits free and I only helped him with Jackson. Jackson was special to me for some reason but I couldn’t look as Malachi set Kyle’s spirit free.
He was only five and it was horrific to see his little body lying there about to be cut open. Emotions had been high and the anger emanating from everyone had overwhelmed me. I didn’t know how I was going to get through this night.
The pack had been preparing and I also hadn’t taken part in those arrangements. I started feeling guilty. I was shirking my duties as the future Alpha.
Carl and Frank had gone to escort Karani’s body back to the clearing in the forest. They placed her carefully in the middle of it. The women had prepared woven flowers to place around her, it made a perfect circle around her body. She was dressed in a plain white cotton dress, her feet bare.
We stood in a circle around her, and Richard started the ceremony. The clouds parted and the moonlight shone on Karani, her black hair shimmering in its light.
“Tonight, we bid you farewell, Karani Sinclair, female Alpha, beloved of this pack.” Richard took out a thin bladed knife. Its handle had carvings etched into it, Yggdrasil, Aegishjalmur, Valknut, Triskelion, Gungnir and Mjolnir. He held the knife in his palms.
“Malachi Sinclair, step forth and claim the first incision,” Richard said and Malachi stepped into the circle. Richard handed him the knife and Malachi took it. He crouched down next to her and lifted his arms. He struck the knife down in the center of her chest and made a long incision. I closed my eyes.
“Kiran Sinclair, step forth,” Richard said and I stepped into the circle. Malachi handed the knife back to Richard as we both crouched down on either side of her. I placed my hands over the incision as Malachi opened the incision. We pulled her ribcage apart and Malachi took out her heart.
We all felt it at the same moment. It was like a soft sigh emanating from her body as her spirit left it behind. I saw Karani standing in the trees. I felt an intense surge of love and then pain as she stepped back and disappeared.
Carl and Frank took her body back to the crematorium where she would be cremated. Her spirit would always be with us, here in the forest. I was utterly exhausted by this time and I excused myself and walked up to the house.
Tomorrow it would start all over again, we would have this same ceremony for Peter McPherson and Rick Shepard and their families. I would look down and see the faces of Michelle, Joseph, Abel and Benjamin. Tonight had been hard enough on me. Tomorrow would be excruciating. There were too many dead faces haunting me.
There were too many raw emotions for me to handle right now. I couldn’t focus and I had trouble breathing. I felt weighted down as if the gravity of the earth tried to keep me there. I was confused and I knew that the wrong emotions kept bubbling up. The things I knew weren’t the emotions I felt. It was all twisted and dark inside. I closed my eyes and tried to push it all down.