Chapter 78 Part 78
Asher
He looked at the woman sitting across from him. He’d been home for a month, but things weren’t getting any better. That first night, he’d sat in the guest room and cried. The room was as empty as he had left it when he went back for his last tour. Colt had found him asleep on the floor, in the exact spot where Melody’s crib had stood.
“I understand that most of what you saw, the missions you completed, and the information you have are classified. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. You have confidentiality privileges here.” Mary Stuart was in her 50s with silver-gray hair cut in a sleek bob.
“I don’t know how to exist in this world without Maggie.”
“Who is Maggie?” Her voice was patient and kind. Asher took a liking to her, especially the fact that she, too, was a no-nonsense type of woman. He didn’t intimidate her.
“She’s my wife…she’s…nobody,” Asher said, lowering his head.
“Who is she, Asher?”
“During my captivity, my mind went somewhere. I dreamed up an entirely different life for myself. In that life—in those dreams—I met Maggie and her daughter, Melody. We had a life together, where we adopted two other boys, with our baby on the way. We were married, but now that I’m back here, she’s gone, and nothing feels as real as it did there.”
“But you’re aware that it wasn’t real?” She looked pointedly at Asher when he finished telling her the story of their lives together.
“I’m not crazy.”
She shook her head. “I didn’t say that. There is a big difference in letting your mind go somewhere safe, amid the horror of the reality you were in, but knowing that it wasn’t real is also important.”
“I know she’s not real. I know none of it happened. I walk into my empty house every single day, and I can see she was never there,” he said.
“Don’t confuse your reality with the hallucinations you suffered. They are two different realities. You’re living in this one, and the other one simply doesn’t exist. It was a dream, a safe space for your mind. It’s ultimately how you survived not being broken by your captors.”
“I know all that. I’m not stupid either.”
“What is it that you want from these sessions, Asher? This is the third time I’ve seen you, and so far, all I know is that you were taken captive while on duty with your team, tortured, and then rescued. I know you have four brothers and a sister, and your father is still alive. I also know you left your girlfriend of ten years shortly after returning home.”
“I want to know how to live without her! I came home, and my wife, my daughter, and my two sons—they were just gone! It feels like they died, and I don’t know when, or how it happened! Even the damn dog is gone!”
She shifted on her seat, her eyes taking on a haunting look of sadness. “Asher, this is how you live without them. You mourn their deaths, because, for you, they have all died. They existed and lived in your mind. You had a life together, spent time together, got married, and had disagreements. Your life will feel vastly empty right now, like they have died. You have to mourn the life you had with them, but you also have to live your life in this reality.”
“I don’t know if I want to,” he admitted, after a long stretch of silence.
“Do you feel suicidal?”
“No.”
“Then, what do you mean by your earlier statement?”
Asher sighed, and stood up, pacing the space from one wall to the door. “I want it to be real. I want Maggie and Melody to exist. I want that life I had. I want it back.”
“You can’t have it back, Asher. It didn’t exist. They never existed,” she said, gently.
Asher sat down again, and lowered his head to his hands. He clenched his eyes shut, willing the tears not to fall. “That’s the part I’m struggling with.”
“Let me ask you this, Asher. Do the two boys exist? Are Joel and Oscar Crowley real? Do they live in Two Bear Meadow?”
“Yes, they’re real people. Their father is a borderline alcoholic, but I don’t know whether he’s abusive or not.”
“Bear Claw is a real person, too?”
“Yes.”
Mary gave him a small smile. “Is it possible that you heard Maggie’s name somewhere? Perhaps one of your Army brothers has a sister or a cousin. They might have shown you a picture at one stage and talked about her. Perhaps she even has a daughter named Melody. It is very possible that your mind placed that woman in the role of your love interest at that moment.”
“So, you think she exists?”
She shook her head and gave him a stern look. “What I’m saying is that the mind is a wondrous place, brimming with unexplored possibilities. We don’t know everything, but it could be a real possibility for her. Everyone else in your other life is a real person. It would only make sense for her to also exist.”
The clock’s hand moved, and Asher looked at it. “Our time’s up.”
“Asher, I want you to really think about that life as dead and gone, something you need to mourn. You said you enjoy camping out in the woods. Why don’t you take a few days? Go to your cabin and stay there. Scream out your anguish, cry for the life you lost, and leave them there. When you go back home, I want you to go there alone, without the ghosts of your memories.”
Asher didn’t answer her, but he got to his feet slowly. “I’ll see you in two weeks.”
“Take care of yourself, Asher, and call me if you need anything,” she said.
He nodded his head, and walked out of her office. He took the elevator down to the parking garage, where he sat in his truck. When she said those words, it was as if a lightbulb went on inside his brain.
Maggie existed, and that meant Melody existed. They were out there. Somewhere.