Chapter 15

Farley:

What had he done? I never asked Hollow to take a life for me. Never even hinted at it. That damn boy had been so used to getting and doing whatever he wanted his whole life, that he probably didn’t even think twice about killing the butcher. He had no guilt in his eyes when he told me, and I wondered what a person had to be, to not feel anything. Hollow, I supposed.

He told me. He warned me that he couldn’t feel anything. Hollow wanted to be dead, because he didn’t care enough to be alive. This event shouldn’t have surprised me, and I shouldn’t have smelled blood when I closed my eyes. This numb boy had somehow decided to put me under his exclusive bubble of protection, and that meant he would go about his days, doing whatever he wanted.

This terrible thing in me didn’t know what to do. It wanted me to leave my room, and go find Hollow. Like somehow, if we talked it out, that would have made this all okay. But a man was dead, and nothing could ever be okay again.

I stayed hidden for most of the day, not even leaving to eat. I wasn’t hungry, and I didn’t want to risk seeing Hollow and being forced into a conversation. He obviously didn’t understand what he had done wrong, and I didn’t know if I could have explained it. He’d been raised to take whatever he wanted, and that included human lives.

I thought of ways I might have been able to fix this. Ways I could make the village not hate me. In the end, I couldn’t have done anything. They would have found the body by now, and the villagers would only blame one person for that. I’d never harmed anyone, and none of that mattered. My whole life would come down to something that someone else did. Did Hollow see that? Did he care? Of course he cared. Why would he have done something so awful for me, if he didn’t care?

When I felt brave enough, I opened my door and looked outside. I saw nothing but a few guards walking by, so I thought I was safe. I stayed quiet as I stepped out of the room, and tiptoed down the hall. I wouldn’t risk Hollow seeing me and trying to talk.

I didn’t know my destination until I saw the sewing room in front of me. I went in, and found the seamstress sitting at her table, mending a pair of trousers. She had her rack of dresses beside her, with the new ones she’d told me she wanted to work on. I’d been promised a new one, because Hollow had a talk with her. My heart hurt when I thought about it.

“Audrey?” I asked as I closed the door. “Can I stay in here for a while?”

She crooked her finger at me, and I went to her. Then she pointed to a pile of fabric. “If you’re going to be in here, then you work. Start stitching together that dress sleeve.”

I picked it up, and started to work. I had to make most of my clothes back at home, so I wasn’t completely useless. My coat had been the only thing I didn’t have to get myself, and I honestly couldn’t say why my mother had decided to be kind and make it for me. It wasn’t in her character to do me any favors.

“You look ill,” Audrey said, glancing over. “What happened to you?”

Would Hollow get in trouble if I told someone what he did? He was the prince, so he could probably get away with anything. The royals made their own rules, after all, and saw us as nothing but pieces on their chess board.

“Hollow,” I said.

She lifted her eyebrows at me. “Don’t let the king catch you calling him that.”

“Too late, and Hollow told me he didn’t want me using his real name.”

“Oh, so you have special permission. How cute.”

I cleared my throat, staring at the dress in my hands. “It’s not like that. We’re… friends. Sort of. Can you be friends with a prince when you’re nothing but… whatever you would call me?”

“A servant? Witch? Property.”

I deadpanned. “Yeah, thanks.”

She smiled and patted my head. “No problem. What’s bothering you then? Did he do something to you? If he did, don’t be upset. He’s a little bastard to everyone, and it’s nothing personal.”

I made a face, remembering how he’d been when I first arrived. He couldn’t have cared less about me, and liked it when he got me upset. I didn’t know when it changed, but it did, and I couldn’t deny that. At some point, he’d gotten softer with me. He really looked at me when he stared into my eyes, and he’d become kind. Only when it came to me, I’d noticed. He’d comforted me when I had gotten upset, and it didn’t feel forced or anything like that. It felt like he wanted to be there, and he wanted to fix it. Maybe I just couldn’t tell which version of him was real, and he could have been faking everything. Hollow told me he didn’t feel, so why should I have thought he all of the sudden started liking me? It made no sense anyway, because what could I have possibly done for him? I didn’t even entertain him with fits anymore.

“It feels personal,” I said. “He did something bad, saying it was for me. It felt like it was more for him.”

The woman nodded. “Sounds like a man. Will you tell me what he did, or is that a secret?”

“Secret, I guess. It was a very bad thing, and he thinks he’s protecting me. He didn’t ask first, and he knew I wouldn’t be okay with it. But he went and did it anyway.”

Audrey sighed. “Well this would be a lot less confusing if I knew what he did, but I’ll try and help anyway. It sounds like he was the one who was afraid, and he went and made sure he didn’t have to be afraid anymore.”

“Maybe.”

She set her things down, turning to me. “Think about what you know of the boy. What makes you think he would let a threat to him and someone he cared about, linger? He did what he thought he had to do, and at the time, that must have seemed more important than what you thought. Better safe than happy.”

My foot tapped on the floor as I thought. “How am I supposed to get past this? I don’t know if I can even talk to him.”

“Who said you have to? You can talk to him, or not talk. He made a choice, so you’re allowed to also.”

“But he’s the prince. He can make me do whatever he wants.”

She put her hand on my lap. “If he’s off being a knight in shining armor for you, then I don’t think he would pull the prince card. That boy follows you like a puppy, yet he’s not here. Though I’m not sure how much longer that respect will last. He’s a teenager after all, and a boy. They have so little control.”

None, it sounded like. I didn’t even know what to be the most upset about. There were so many damn things to pick from. Maybe what upset me most was that he claimed to have done this for me. Despite the fact that I didn’t use my magic against people, I knew I had it. I would not have let myself die if it really came down to it. But it hadn’t, and I got along fine.

“I’m so angry with him,” I said. “What am I supposed to do? Forgive him? He didn’t… he didn’t think he did anything wrong. So I feel like it’s cruel to be mad. But I don’t know if I can make myself go talk to him.”

“And you don’t have to. Entertain the king, stay in your room. You are not obligated to do much more than that.”

But I did, because the king had told me my job was to entertain Hollow for the most part. We’d spent most of the last few days together. Maybe this had all been my fault then. We’d gotten a little closer, and he might have felt like I was this fragile thing that needed to be protected. If he cared about me, then it could have pushed him into this choice.

I pictured the blood on Hollow’s shirt when I saw him yesterday morning. He must have done a number on the butcher, and I could only imagine what he’d left behind. Someone would have found him, either his wife or a customer. I didn’t care for those people, but his wife had loved him. As terrible as they could be, that had probably been the worst moment of her life, losing who mattered most to her. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, and Hollow had done that to her. How could I ever have made myself move past that kind of cruelty? Hollow had accidentally started meaning something to me, but my own morals meant a lot to me too.

Once I fixed the sleeve of the dress, I stood up. I needed a nap or something to eat, because this distraction didn’t work out so well. I had a lot of things to think about, and the will to do none of it.

I made it most of the way down the hall before something grabbed my arm and pulled me back. That something also picked me up, and threw me over their shoulder before they started walking.

“Put me down!” I ordered Hollow as he forced me down the hall. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Many things,” he said. “But if I tried to ask you to talk, I assume you would tell me no.”

“You assume correct.”

“Yeah, so you really give me no choice.”

I called him all sorts of names, but it did nothing to free me. Hollow marched me out into the cold air, and sat me on the bench in the courtyard. I stood up, ready to walk out again, when he caught my hand.

“Wait,” he said. “I need you to talk to me.”

I pulled my hand away. “No, you really don’t. You clearly have no problems doing things without me, so why start now?”

Hollow patted his lap, taking his time as he thought out his response. “I think you’re making a bigger deal out of this than you need to.”

I literally gasped. “You’re insane. You killed a man, Hollow. Do you not care?”

“No, I really don’t. He doesn’t matter.”

“You don’t get to decide that! Nothing matters to you.”

“That isn’t true. Or, it’s not true as of now. You matter. I don’t know why, but you do. I don’t…” Hollow stopped, rubbing the back of his neck before he looked up at me again. “I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I saw a problem, and I fixed it.”

“You fixed nothing. You murdered a man. How is that a solution?”

He threw his hands in the air. “It’s the definition of a solution. He’s dead, so he can’t hurt you anymore.”

“He didn’t try! And now everyone else is going to think I did it, and then they’ll come after me. Did you stop and think about what this would do? That village either doesn’t know who came in and killed their butcher, or they’re getting a mob together to come and kill me.”

“I wouldn’t let that happen.”

“You think you can stop it? You’re one person, and one that doesn’t think things through at that. You would get yourself killed.”

“Good thing I’m already a dead man.”

I had nothing to say, because the sting in my chest got too distracting. How could he care so little about his own life, yet enough about mine to do what he’d done? “You make no sense,” I said, half out of it. “You set me up for an assault, claiming you can protect me, despite the fact that you’re going to let yourself die. Have you thought about what happens then? When your time is up? I’ll be all alone, dealing with what you left for me. You’re selfish, and you will be for the rest of your life.”

I started walking away, heading for the woods. I needed time to think this out by myself, and really, I had to get used to being alone. My only friend decided he would rather die than let me try and fix him, and I wanted to know why. It tugged at me.

Hollow caught up, unwilling to leave me the hell alone. He got in front of me, and put his hands on my shoulders. I watched him catch his breath before he spoke. “We need to talk.”

“No, we don’t. I did my talking. You fucked up, and I’m done.”

“You don’t get to be done.”

I scoffed, putting my hands on my hips. “Oh, I’m dreadfully sorry, your highness. Shall I bow down to you as well, since you own me.”

“Farley, you know I didn’t—”

“Didn’t mean it? I think you did. You don’t give me choices. You made me spend time with you, and that somehow escalated to you murdering someone for me. Is it that you just don’t know how to care about someone?”

“Of course it is,” he breathed. “Of course… I told you, we talked about this. I don’t feel anything. Then I took you to the village, and I saw that man. It was one thing to hear what he did to you, and another to see his face. Everything felt different then, and he wanted to hurt you again. I had to hear him threaten you. After we left, I kept thinking about him sneaking up on you. Him finding you when I wasn’t there. He could kill you, and then you’d be… you’d just be dead. No more Farley. And I went so long without you in my life, so I shouldn’t care if you let yourself die, but I do. I really fucking do, and there’s no explaining it. I don’t regret what I did, because if it gives you even a sliver of a better chance at survival, I’ll take it.”

Anger made my cheeks hot, because how was I supposed to fight him on that? He wanted me safe, and something felt so pure about that. But as pure as the thought seemed, he’d still splattered it in blood.

“I don’t want to hear this,” I decided. “None of it. How dare you try and make me care about you, and then pull my strings like this. Why do you care so much about me, and nothing about yourself? If you didn’t want me hurt, then maybe you wouldn’t befriend me, and then let yourself die. Did you stop and think that might hurt me? I can take a beating, Hollow, but what I can’t take is after sixteen years of being alone, finally having someone care about me, and then that person deciding they don’t care about me enough to stay alive. But I guess that doesn’t matter, does it? What am I to you? A plaything?”

He took a step to me, and I took one back. I watched Hollow notice, and the look in his eyes broke my heart. “No, you’re not a plaything. And my death has nothing to do with your life.”

I wanted to scream, but I settled for a growl. “It has everything to do with my life. You made it have something to do with it when you decided I was more than your harlequin. So you care enough about me to keep me alive, but not enough to keep yourself alive, so I won’t hurt later?”

Hollow rubbed his jaw, clearly buying himself time. “Why do you care if I live?”

Stunned, my mouth fell open. What kind of a question was that? “The same reason you care about my life. The same exact reason.” But the difference was that I cared more, because I wouldn’t have let myself die if it meant hurting him. “You have no fight in you, Hollow. You’re apathetic, and I can’t deal with you picking and choosing anymore. You did a bad thing, and I don’t forgive you.”

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to abandon a person who didn’t have anyone, but what would sticking around have done? Every person in that village had done something to me, and how long would it have taken for him to decide they were threats too? He would have started caring about me more, and his ability to stay still would change. Hollow would probably justify killing all those who’d physically hurt me. Then the ones who threatened. Then the ones who looked at me a little too long, or pretended not to see when someone else raised a hand to me. Gallons of blood would be on my hands, because I didn’t know how to call off the hounds. I couldn’t let Hollow take away the innocence I’d fought so hard to keep.

He reached out for me, and his fingers barely brushed my hand before I ripped it away. “Farley, please. I don’t know what to do if you’re not around.”

I swallowed hard, and tried to keep my voice as even as possible. I didn’t want to hurt him more, letting him know how much it broke me up to say this. “You’ll figure it out.”

I walked away, and this time, he didn’t follow.