Chapter 14

Hollow:

I woke early in the morning, opening my eyes to the darkness. I’d planned it that way, and felt pleased when it worked out. The castle felt still and silent as I dressed. The world as well, not existing while the sun stayed down. It would have been nice to watch the sunrise with Farley.

Slowly, I started taking steps to leave my room. I smiled as I saw the feathers on my floor, and I took up my dagger on my way out. I gave a quick glance to the door that would soon hold Farley’s room. Father and I had not discussed it, but I cared little.

With the world asleep, I snuck downstairs with ease. I wanted to sneak over to Farley to check on her, but resisted. If she woke up… No, she wouldn’t be angry over this. She couldn’t have been. Yet everything in my mind told me this had been the wrong choice, because she would have wanted me to go back to bed.

I came to a full stop before I could remember I needed to give Farley space. It was too much. I was too much, and I knew it. Sooner or later, she would realize that I’d become obsessed with her. How it happened, I didn’t know. I’d never been drawn to something like this before, so I didn’t know how to act. Instead of being reasonable, I went overboard. How much further would I push it before Farley had enough?

The guards said nothing to me when I passed them outside, and I forwent a carriage in favor of walking. I had more than enough time to get in and out before the sun came up. Why did this feel so much like a dirty little secret when I had no shame, and felt certain of my choice?

I saw no lights when I entered the village, but someone must have been awake. I smelled bread baking, and assumed the butcher would be at work as well. If not, then I would have to find him at home. His wife would see, but that wasn’t really my problem. The prince could do no wrong.

It wasn’t too difficult to figure out which way it was to the butcher shop. I’d not been there more than once, but it was hard to miss a dead deer hanging out front. As well as the red grass from where blood had been dumped. Could he have been a heathen too? I suppose he must have been.

I strolled casually down the path, taking my time as I made my way over to the shop. I’d waited a couple days, hoping that it would have caused him more pain to be afraid. He’d figure out who I was when I left with Farley, and I saw the worry in his eyes. He’d threatened Farley right in front of me. It wouldn’t have been all right if the person were an adult, but Farley was only sixteen. Maybe because I didn’t feel eighteen, but it sounded so young. Farley didn’t act young. She didn’t get that safe bubble that let people have a childhood, so she’d grown up far too fast. As for me, I didn’t know if I could claim to have been a child.

When I got to the butcher’s shop, I let myself in. The scent of blood irritated my nose, but I could see that he worked in the back. He had his back to me, and appeared to be skinning something that looked like nothing more than a mess of blood. Good, then the sight of his own blood wouldn’t bother him later.

I cleared my throat, getting his attention. The man turned to me as he said, “We’re not open. Come back…” He stared, and wiped his bloodied hands on his also bloodied shirt. Then he bowed. “My lord.”

I rolled my eyes. “I hate when people call me that. Do you people think it’s flattering?”

He didn’t answer.

I smiled. “Ah, you’re scared. Good. That means you know what you did was wrong, and that saves me time.”

The man stood up straight, taking a dare then because I hadn’t given him permission to. “The witch harmed my wife, sire. All I did was make things right.”

“Only, you made nothing right. Your wife decided she killed your old as dirt cat. You cannot possibly believe she’s responsible.”

His jaw tightened, but he kept his gaze carefully non-threatening. “That girl has the potential to kill us all. She can wake up one morning and decide that she wants to raze our homes. Are you not fearful that she would take your kingdom from you?”

“Never for a moment.”

“Forgive me, sire, but that makes you foolish. She lives in your home. She could kill you while you sleep.”

Farley seemed more likely to turn into a dragon than to harm me. Even when we fought the most and she hated me, she never tried to hurt me. She tore a pillow in half, because that was who Farley was. Everyone saw her as this demon, biding her time before she unleashed hell on the world. In reality, Farley only wanted to be left alone. She would have been happy to have a cottage in the woods, never having to deal with people again. I’d never seen her violent.

Go home a voice said to me. She won’t like this. You’ll hurt her. No, I had to do this. I had to make it right. I’m not good enough for her anyway.

“I don’t have to defend her,” I said. “But I will. She lives every single day being afraid of you, and people like you. She’s not earned any of your hate, yet all you show her is hate. Do you feel nothing about the fact that you nearly beat a young girl to death? Is there so little humanity in you that you could do such a thing?”

The butcher wouldn’t meet my eyes, but no one ever really did. He stared at the bloody floor, taking a breath. “No one is willing to do what must be done. A witch should have never been allowed to live here. Her father should have drowned her the moment she woke with magic. She’s poison.”

The talk ended there, because I didn’t want to hear anymore. I didn’t come here expecting to change his mind or move him. That hadn’t been the point, and it would have been a waste of time.

“Something I’ve noticed,” I said. “People, they’re wicked. All of them. Us.” I took a slow step to the man, and he noticed. “Fear makes humans do terrible things. You fear Farley, so you hurt her. You treat a lamb like a wolf, because you shake in your boots at the sight of her.”

“Are you not wicked, sire?” the butcher asked me, his voice unsteady as he looked to the dagger on my side.

“I’m not sure I’m anything. Not good. Not bad. I just make the choices I believe are right, so call me what you will. You hurt someone I care about.” I paused. “No, that isn’t right. You hurt the only someone I care about. It would be wrong to let a threat stand, when you seem so keen on ending her life. God knows Farley won’t defend herself, so I need to. I need her to know she’s safe.”

“You’re mad,” the butcher accused. “Everything they say, everything about you, it’s right. Do you not feel a thing?”

I shook my head. “Not really. But the thing is, I feel things when it comes to her. I don’t quite understand it, but everything in me is screaming an order loud and clear.”

“What might that be?” he asked, though he knew.

Even if he had any idea which moment I’d strike, the man wouldn’t have been able to stop me. Father had me trained to defend myself, so I knew what I was doing. In a moment, I had my dagger in my hand. In the next moment, I had it in the butcher’s gut. He wheezed, and I pulled the blade up, slicing him up his middle. The man grabbed at me as he went down, and I shoved him away. He fell to the floor, and I waited for him to bleed out.

It didn’t feel as satisfying as I thought it would. This man wanted to kill Farley, and would have, if given another chance. Maybe he thought he did it the first time, and had been angry when he realized he’d failed. When I heard him threaten her, everything in my brain changed. I had to protect her, because no one else would. Not her parents, and not her brother. No one would stand up for Farley.

I saw the world as this wretched thing. This dying tree with shriveled roots. No one good, and no one kind. Not really. They would stab someone in the back if it meant they could survive. But Farley… that wasn’t her. The butcher had been right when he said she could wake up and decide to raze this place. She had the power to get anything in the world she wanted, and she didn’t use it. She wanted peace, and safety.

What did that make me then? This empty thing. Or, I was supposed to be empty. Empty people didn’t kill for others. I didn’t know when, but I’d lost the only identity I’d ever had. I watched this man as he died, and all I could do was wonder what feelings ran through me. I’d never felt them, so I couldn’t give them names. All these things started coming alive without my permission, and I couldn’t deny them. I didn’t want to, but I would have liked a name.

I left the shop, and my feet carried me to a river. I cleaned my hands and arms, but blood had gotten on my shirt. Not much, but enough that I couldn’t hide it. I guess I didn’t need to, because I wouldn’t lie.

Once I’d gotten as clean as I could, I started walking back to the castle. My feet moved slowly, and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t change it, so I distracted myself on the walk. I hadn’t seen Farley for more than half a day, and I’d grown tired of that. I had a brief thought to what my father would think if he knew I’d taken a shine to someone, when I didn’t take a shine to anything. How did someone understand what happened inside of me, if even I couldn’t understand? I felt helpless in the strangest way.

I got through the doors, and I saw the sun barely coming over the horizon. I’d been wrong about how long that took, and wondered where I lost the time. The walk maybe, or how long I watched the man die. It didn’t matter in the end.

Farley slept on the other side of her door, and I hesitated in knocking. I should have changed first. No, that wouldn’t have fixed what my mind told me was wrong.

I knocked lightly on the door, part of me hoping she wouldn’t answer. In fact, I even started walking away before I heard her soft voice croaking out an invitation. Then I couldn’t stop myself from opening the door and stepping inside.

Farley sat up on the bed, and I could hardly see her. She smiled sleepily as I sat down at her side. “Hollow,” she rasped. “Why are you here so early?”

I forgot to speak, lost as I stared at her smile. That smile she gave me, and for no other reason than I came here. I couldn’t remember ever feeling that before, someone happy to see me. I’d closed myself off from every person in the world, because I wanted no part of them. How could I have wanted nothing from those people, and everything from Farley? She looked me in the eyes every time we spoke, and didn’t seem afraid to touch my skin.

“I wanted to see you,” I said, matching the softness in her voice.

She smiled again, and it looked like the kind of sloppy you’d only see in someone barely awake. “I probably shouldn’t say this, but I was dreaming about you.”

My heart started racing painfully, but I didn’t mind. “Please. I want to know.”

Farley tried to get rid of her grin, staring at her hands on her lap. “Uh, well. It was you and me, all alone.”

“Already sounds good. What were we doing?”

She cleared her throat. “Not much. We were just kind of…”

“Tell me.”

I could almost feel her blushing. “We were just laying in the courtyard. I had my head on your shoulder, like yesterday.”

I smiled to myself. “That sounds nice.”

“Does it?” Farley asked timidly.

“I think I would enjoy that dream if I were having it.” Yes, I would enjoy it. I didn’t dream, so I hadn’t been able to experience anything like this. My mind wouldn’t allow me the small pleasures in life.

Farley rubbed her eyes, and squinted at me. “I can hardly ever see you. Hold on.” She waved her hand, producing a small bit of fire that she used to light her lamp. Then the small room lit up, and she blinked in reaction.

I heard her gasp when she looked back at me again, her eyes going to my shirt like a magnet. She sat up on her knees, letting her blanket fall from her. She had on her sleeping gown, and her hair looked a mess again. I wished I knew how to explain how much I liked that.

“Oh my god, Hollow!” She said, her hands all over me. She touched my face, and chest, and shoulders. “What happened? You’re covered blood. Did you get hurt?”

“No, no I’m all right.” I took her by the wrists, stilling her so that she would pay attention to me. Farley sat back, and I pressed her palm to my face. “I promise.”

She breathed out in relief, and it threw me for a moment. A person caring if I felt all right, and for more reasons than their own personal gains. Father worried for me, but I knew that would have ended the moment I gave him an heir. I mattered only for what I could give other people.

“Then how did you get blood on your clothes?” Farley asked.

I didn’t know how to be gentle, so I didn’t try. “I killed a man in the village.”

I watched her blue eyes get bigger, full of fear. “What? What happened? Did someone try to hurt you?”

I shook my head. “He tried to hurt you. He did. The butcher, he almost killed you once, and he threatened to do it again. I wasn’t going to let someone like that keep breathing.”

She stared at me, and she didn’t say a word. That worried me, because Farley never had nothing to say. I’d protected her, and she had no opinion.

“You killed someone,” she said. “For me? Because of me?”

“He was a bad man. Am I supposed to let someone who would kill a teenager, just go about his business? His wife stole from you, and tried to get my father to put you to death.”

She stood up, knotting her hands in her hair as she walked. “So? A lot of people hurt me, Hollow. All the time.”

“And I got rid of a person who did. Why do you sound angry?”

“Because I am!” Farley shouted. “I am. How dare you take a life in my name! You know exactly how I feel about things like that. If I wanted him dead, then he could have been dead.”

I stood too, looking down at the girl. “I wanted him dead. You were upset when I wasn’t kind to you, and now you’re upset because I did something to protect you. How about you pick how you want me to be and stick with it?”

“That isn’t the point! You can care about someone and not murder for them.”

“What does it matter? He didn’t deserve to be alive.”

“That wasn’t your choice to make for him, or for me. Get out.”

I blinked. “What?”

She shoved at my shoulders, pushing me back. “Get out of here. I don’t want to see your face.”

“Farley.”

“Go,” she growled. “You took everything I want to be, and you ruined it. Do you know what you’ve done? They’ll think I did this. They’ll think that I sent you to do my bidding. For all of these years, I tried so hard to be something that they weren’t afraid of, and you threw it all away. They will never see me as anything but a monster, and you did that to me.”

She opened the door, and shoved me again. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing as she forced me from the small space. “Leave.”

I stood there, unable to understand, at the same time I saw it perfectly clear. “Farley.”

She watched me, her eyes brimming with tears that I had caused. “Stay away from me. I can’t… I can’t forgive you for this. Go clean the blood from your hands.”

She slammed the door in my face, and left me standing still. I had done the right thing. I defended her honor when no one else would. I could only feel for Farley, so I had to do this in return, being the only thing that protected her.

I must have failed again.