Chapter 116 Therapy

Chapter 116 Therapy
Braydon's Pov 

I sat in the waiting room staring at a painting of a beach on the wall. The office was in a nice part of town with leather chairs and soft music playing and it smelled like lavender. I felt completely out of place.

Like this wasn't where I was supposed to be, it felt different 

Evelyn had been bugging me about therapy for months. She said I needed to talk to someone about everything that happened. About losing Sarah. About all the violence and guilt I was carrying around. I kept putting it off but eventually she wore me down.

"Mr. Collins?" A woman appeared in the doorway. She was maybe fifty with gray hair and kind eyes. "I'm Dr. Martinez. Come on back."

I followed her into her office and sat down on a couch. She sat across from me with a notepad.

"So Braydon," she said. "What brings you here today?"

"My sister said I needed therapy."

She smiled. "And what do you think?"

"I think she's probably right but I don't really want to be here."

"That's honest. I appreciate that." She set down her notepad. "Everything you say in this room is confidential unless you're planning to hurt yourself or someone else. You can tell me as much or as little as you want."

"Okay."

"Why don't you start by telling me what's been going on?"

I took a breath. "My girlfriend died four months ago. She was killed by people who were trying to get to me."

"I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me about her?"

So I told her about Sarah. About how we met and fell in love and how she made me want to be better. About how she died in a car bomb meant for me. I didn't tell her about the mafia stuff but I told her enough.

"That must be incredibly painful. How are you coping?"

"I don't know. I work a lot. I try not to think about it."

"And does that help?"

"Not really. I still dream about her every night."

"What happens in the dreams?"

"Sometimes they're good dreams where she's still alive. Those are the worst ones because I have to wake up and remember she's gone. Other times I dream about the explosion and see her die over and over."

"That sounds like PTSD. Have you experienced trauma before Sarah's death?"

I almost laughed. "Yeah. A lot."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I thought about saying no but Evelyn's voice was in my head. "My parents were murdered when I was sixteen. After that, I had to take care of my younger sister and run the family business. There was a war last year and a lot of people died. Some of them were my fault."

"What do you mean they were your fault?"

"I made decisions that got people killed. I sent men into situations where I knew they might not come back and they didn't."

"You were in a leadership position during a violent conflict?"

"Yeah."

"And you're carrying guilt about the people who died under your command?"

"Shouldn't I be?"

"Guilt is a natural response. But it sounds like you're taking responsibility for things outside your control. Can you tell me about one of these decisions?"

So I told her about Marcus and how I sent him to intercept the Valentinos even though I knew it was dangerous. How he got shot and almost died. How he thanked me for trusting him when all I felt was guilt.

"Did Marcus blame you?"

"No. He said he knew the risks."

"So he made a choice to follow your orders knowing it was dangerous?"

"I guess."

"Then why are you taking all the responsibility?"

I hadn't thought about it that way. "I was the one who gave the order though."

"Yes. And that's a heavy burden. But you can't control every outcome. You can only make the best decisions you can with the information you have."

We talked for another forty minutes. By the end, my head hurt, but I also felt lighter.

"I'd like to see you weekly if you're willing," Dr. Martinez said. "We have a lot to work through."

"Okay."

I went back every week after that. In the second session, we talked about my parents and how their deaths shaped me. How I had to grow up too fast. How I never got to grieve them because I was too busy keeping everything together.

The third session was about the violence I'd committed and whether I was a bad person. Dr. Martinez didn't judge me. She just listened and helped me see things from a different perspective.

In the fourth session, she taught me techniques for managing the nightmares. Breathing exercises and grounding techniques. It sounded stupid, but I tried it, and it helped.

The fifth session was the hardest. We talked about Sarah again and Dr. Martinez made me say her death wasn't my fault.

"Say it," she said. "Sarah's death was not my fault."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because if it wasn't my fault, then she died for no reason, and I can't accept that."

"Her death was senseless and tragic. But it still wasn't your fault. The people who planted that bomb are responsible. Not you."

I started crying for the first time since the funeral. I sat on that couch and cried while Dr. Martinez handed me tissues.

After six sessions I was sleeping better. The nightmares were less frequent. I wasn't angry all the time. I could think about Sarah without wanting to destroy something.

"You've made a lot of progress," Dr. Martinez said during our sixth session. "How are you feeling?"

"Better. Not good but better."

"That's realistic. Healing isn't linear. You'll have good days and bad days."

"I wish I'd done this years ago."

"You weren't ready then. You're ready now. That's what matters."

She was right. I wasn't fixed but I was better. That was enough.