214. THE FUTURE

214. THE FUTURE
SELINE
“It’s true that you have got a marriage proposal. Marriage is a way of alliance. If they think they could target a child for that alliance, then it’s messed up, and I don’t want that kind of allies.” Kade told Hana.
“Lilly said there is an evil grandpa. Is he the same one who kidnapped you?”
I waited for Kade to answer. If he says no, Hana would ask who kidnapped him or by whom he got himself kidnapped.
It’s a rabbit hole down from there. The truth is too bitter for her age.
“It doesn’t matter,” Kade said instead. “You will never meet any of them. They are strangers to us.”
Hana thought about it for a while. “I will meet him one day.” She says. “I have decided what I want to become.”
She looked at us with what felt like determination in her eyes.
“I am going to become a hacker. I am going to track whenever Kade gets himself kidnapped. And then, I am going to hack that evil grandpa’s account and his grandson’s.”
Kade scowled. “What accounts?”
“Instagram. Whatsapp. Snapchat. WeChat and and and—bank account.” The last two words came out so low that I would have missed them if we weren’t sitting so close.
She is dumb. Kade signed. I told you. Kids are always dumb.
I placed a finger on my mouth, warning him to keep quiet.
I am not even talking. He signs again.
Your hands are loud enough.
“Are you telling us that you will steal their money?” Kade asked her.
Hana shook her head. “They knew me. Now, I will know them. I will know their every secret. It will help the outfit, right?”
She looked at Kade with so much hope that Kade found himself nodding his head.
Hana’s entire face lit up. She was mumbling about how she needs to start preparing now in order to become a hacker and exact revenge.
“It’s for Kade.” She tells him. “And for you.”
She still thinks Alexander is the enemy who kidnapped us.
Kade sighed, “That’s a very unusual revenge.”
“In this time and age, that’s the best kind of revenge. Data is a weapon.” She tells him.
Kade and I found ourselves nodding.
He leaned back, resting his head in my lap once Hana disappeared into her, probably creating a timetable.
“Do you think we should cut her internet access?” Kade asked me.
I caressed his head, running my fingers in his silky hair.
“I think she is fine. We should probably make sure not to expose the kids to our lives. Better not talk about it.”
“But how will you stop Lilly? Out of all my traits, she has to gain the one that’s least suited to her age.”
I didn’t understand his words at first. Then it occurred to me.
Shadows.
I laughed as Kade scowled.
“We are doomed.” He muttured. “When are you going to marry me?”
Another laugh escaped me.
“Last time when I checked, we were still married.”
“Last time, I asked you to marry me again. And you said yes.”
He is looking at me with those golden eyes. I think about my old wedding dress, how it represents everything I thought of myself.
“After I gave birth.”
Kade gasped, clutching his shirt as if he had a heart attack.
“Too long.” He says.
“Way too long. Too fucking long.”
“It’s just seven more months.”
“Too long. Then the delivery. The kids will come, and we will forget all about the wedding.”
His mouth looked pouty as if he was complaining. Not everyone will have the privilege to see Kade Marcellous pouting.
“I vow you to—,”
“No,” he groaned.
“Marry you after one year.”
“No, fucking no.”
“It would be wonderful to hold our kids in our wedding photos.” I tried to reason with him.
“What about our wedding night? We can’t do that.”
“We can,” I assured him. “We can do anything.”
Kade groaned again, “I can’t believe that I don’t even get to take you on a honeymoon.”
I never thought about it before. All my life, I have been fighting. When I finally found someone who could do that for me, I got pregnant. The next twenty years will pass by, and my life won’t be mine anymore.
Honestly, I am dreading giving birth. Not just one but two.
“Are we making the right decision?” And I thought I was thinking those words in my head. But I said them out loud.
Kade has always been against this because he was afraid for me. He was afraid of how risky it would be for me to give birth.
He agreed, and now, even I am afraid of this decision.
No one tells us how pregnancy will change everything. No one tells us how your mind and heart can’t stand on the same decision every second.
“I am afraid,” I repeated.
Kade didn't interrupt.
He simply waited.
Always patient whenever I struggled to put feelings into words.
"I spent my entire life trying to survive."
I smiled bitterly.
"I didn't really have a childhood."
"My teenage years were spent inside Delmere."
"I escaped."
"I met you."
"I became your wife."
I looked down at the tiny curve beneath my hand.
"And now..."
The words became heavier.
"...I am about to become somebody's mother."
Silence settled between us.
"I wanted all of this."
I laughed softly.
"I still do."
"But sometimes..."
My fingers absentmindedly traced circles over my stomach.
"...sometimes I wonder if I am going to lose myself before I even get the chance to find out who I am."
The confession hung between us.
It’s Raw. Honest.
Painfully honest.
"I finally have freedom."
"I finally have a family."
"I finally have people who love me."
"And before I could even figure out who Seline is..."
I looked down at him.
"...life is asking me to become somebody else again."
Kade remained very still, thinking and analysing.
After a long moment, he reached for both of my hands.
"No."
His voice was quiet.
Certain.
"You will change."
I frowned.
He smiled sadly.
"We already have."
His thumb brushed over my knuckles.
"I am not the same man who pointed a gun at you."
"You are not the same woman who threatened to stab me."
A tiny laugh escaped me.
He continued. "We'll become different people again after they're born."
Another pause.
"And again when they're older."
"And again when they leave home."
"That's life, Wildling."
I swallowed.
"So... I will lose myself."
"No."
He shook his head.
"You'll grow."
"Those are different things."
"I don't know the woman you'll become ten years from now."
"I don't know her either."
"But I know one thing."
His hand came up to cup my face.
"I will never let you disappear."
Something inside my chest tightened.
"If I ever see motherhood swallowing you whole..."
His forehead rested against mine.
"I'll pull you out."
"If I ever see you forgetting what makes you smile..."
"I'll remind you."
"If I ever see you carrying everything alone..."
"I'll carry it with you."
His voice remained calm.
As a matter-of-fact.
As though he were discussing tomorrow's weather.