Twenty-One: Mal

Kissing Alchimia was like nothing I'd experienced before.

Our first kiss had happened in an instant without any prelude because we were both too weak, tired, and strung out to resist the binding threads that wound around our hearts.

This time, we fell into one another with slow intent and careful purpose; a connection designed specifically to give her a brief reprieve from the horror that had befallen her. Her honest feelings poured into me like a soft light where our skin came into contact, and I knew that this was nothing more than that on her end. The brutal reality of this knowledge terrified me, reminding me that while I could restrain myself from consummating our relationship despite the height of my desire for her I had, too, to be wary of the hold our engagement had on my mind and my heart. It was nice to be wanted, but it was a hollow feeling to be wanted for my body alone.

The achiness where I craved her attention and affection worried me the most. She needed me to control myself now more than I had ever needed to do so for myself when I thought marriage to her would spell out my doom.

The closer we got to one another, the more intimacy we shared of mind, body, and spirit, the stronger our bond would be. The more likely it was that Alchimia would put two and two together and my secret would be a secret no more. Besides not wanting to end up in Echelon for the rest of my life, forcing that kind of divine tethering on her at the precipice of whatever chaos was sure to unfold could leave her vulnerable. Even dormant within her, this thing was playing with both of our heads. Making us aggressive, emotional, and volatile. A union like ours would be would take some getting used to, particularly for her. When I was only half a God, I was just as sensitive and temperamental, but becoming a God had softened those feelings. It was entirely unexpected that I'd been so quick to anger since she'd been around, even found it difficult to discern where my thoughts ended and the soul tie's began. Once hers was activated, so to speak, it would be near impossible to determine where her identity enmeshed with mine and where the voice in her head was still her own.

I had strong opinions about how she wanted to "fix" the city when she first arrived, but it was clear that change was coming and neither of us would be able to predict in what manner it came. She couldn't afford that kind of distraction because she would need her strength.

After what could only be described as an eternity, we finally broke apart from one another. Chimi sucked in a slow, deep breath and met my gaze. The anxiety and sadness that had temporarily fled from her was beginning to creep back in, but I wasn't sure what she wanted next and needed a second to regain my own composure. One of her hands slid up my arm, lingering on my shoulder for a moment before coming to caress my cheek. And I could see it, then. The magic of a future forever bound to a woman who looked at me the way Alchimia was looking at me then.

Like there wasn't a creature that had, did, or would ever exist who was quite like me.

I ran my hands up her legs to rest on her thighs but didn't dare let my eyes wander from her amethyst eyes. Alchimia was in control here, and the more I indulged, the harder it would be to stop. My body was hot like a raging fire. Sitting there, enraptured by one another, was almost as sweet as the kiss.

"You're beautiful," she murmured, leaning forward to press her forehead against mine and close her eyes. "I've always thought that. You're a work of art."

I had no idea why she was telling me this. The status of our relationship was less obvious to me than it had ever been. At the Academy, her hatred for me had been plain and simple. Or at least, I thought so. From what she said now, maybe I'd been wrong. Certainly, I had no clue how she'd felt about our kiss in my room. I knew she didn't trust me to protect her, which stung, but a part of me felt like she was right. When I'd had an opportunity to help her, I'd lain in my room and waited instead of taking action.

I reached up to hold her hands and pulled them into my chest. "That's the downfall of having parents like mine. No one around me stands a chance. I'm captivating despite myself, and I'll never know how anyone feels about me. Even my aromantic charms can't be trusted."

"But you're a God. I've never known a God to care how others feel about them. Not really. They're worried that if no one talks about them or believes in them they'll disappear, as that's how they were created. But that seems so normal. Of course, a creature that can't be killed would worry, after a million years, that maybe there is a way, after all. Outside of that, though? You must be broken."

A deep laugh rumbled in my belly. I kissed both of her cheeks, then picked her up by her waist and sat us both back down in the water, holding her close to me still. "Why would they bother getting married, fighting wars, making babies, or even building this place if they didn't care? There's power in making one's affections unattainable, or even difficult to attain. That's all it is." She smiled, those full ruby lips bruised and swollen. Her features looked softer up close in this light, and I thought I caught a glimpse of what it would feel like to have her like this all the time--relaxed, vulnerable, and free of her worldly burdens.

"So not broken, then," she mused.

We stayed there together, locked in an embrace, swallowed whole by the luxury of the baths and each consumed by the other's warmth for several minutes, and then Alchimia set her jaw and shattered the spell, visibly returning to her hard shell. The regret she felt sucker-punched me in the gut. I understood it, but I knew she couldn't know that she didn't need to feel that way; that she had not allowed me to usurp the rights of her future husband.

He and I were one and the same so long as she made it to the throne, and I would make damn sure she did.

She withdrew from me and opened her mouth to speak, turning her head and her gaze from me, but I didn't allow her to banish me. "I'm going to go rinse off. I'll be right outside the door if you need me." She didn't respond, but she didn't need to. We would not speak of this again, not to anyone else and certainly not to one another. Her resistance seized my heart and threatened to crush it. I hoped that this was just about the soul tie, but it put me in a dark, foul mood either way. I dressed as quickly as I could and retreated to my rooms. Sullenly, I walked to the front door of the penthouse and poked my head outside.

"She's just taking a bath. Do you want to come wait inside?" Reus, who evidently took his job more seriously than most, was posted up outside of my door like a suit of armor, stiff and staring eternally before him.

"I'm fine out here," he answered. "How else would we know if someone tried to get inside?"

"You think my penthouse doesn't have an alert system?" I smirked, folding my arms over my chest and leaning against the door frame to look at him. I was still unsure what his role in her life had been. For a second, I felt a little cocky about the fact that Alchimia sought me for comfort, but as I looked at him now I felt the emptiness of what it had been: a physical distraction from her volatile life. Here was this man who had known her intimately, mind and soul. Who had been with her at a time when they both thought they would lose their lives. And who was able to protect her without getting in her way.

The rock and the wall I was trapped between had changed form. I couldn't tell her that we were betrothed because it could mean the difference between life and death right now for her, but if I waited too long she might reject me in the end, anyway. It wasn't like she didn't and wouldn't have other prospects. If she was successful with Echelon, surely she could persuade Zeus to change his decision about who she was meant to marry.

"I'm sure it does, but I'd prefer to be ready."

Reus never looked at me, only stared straight ahead. I shrugged and shut the door, returning to my bedroom just in time for Alchimia to emerge from the baths. She was wrapped in a thick black towel, her wet hair forming heavy coils around her frame.

"Um, do you have a shirt I can borrow?"

"Of course, I have a shirt you can borrow."