Chapter Sixty-Nine

Chapter Sixty-Nine
I returned from picking up Hayley from the daycare that evening and after I'd successfully fed her, played with her, and put her to bed for the night, I sat alone, all by myself. 

For the first time in three months, I wasn't talking with Nelson on the phone; I was sitting in the quiet of my living room, thinking about my poor life decisions.

I'd forced myself to the pharmacy to treat the cut that I'd sustained from being malhandled by him before going to pick up Hayley. How lost I was to not have felt that I'd been injured or to even feel the pain from it. 

I wondered what must have gone through the mind of the old lady who saw me looking all tattered and called my attention to the blood dripping from my forearm. I wondered if she heard the noise from inside the shop, the angry loud voice of Nelson, my crying voice, and the chaos. 

Secretly, I hoped she would forget about me and never ask again because neighbors could get nosy and judgmental sometimes and such negative attention was the last thing I wanted for myself. 

At the daycare, I apologized to the authorities, while showing them my arm. What could have been an avenue to expel my daughter, reprimand me, or charge me double the fee turned into a pity party.

When we finally got home, I couldn't believe what a horror of a day I had. I just crashed on the couch, trying to get myself back for a bit before I ventured into attending to her needs. 

As the thoughts ran through my head, I cupped my face with my palm, trying to stop the tears and when I was sure that I'd stopped them, I got to work.

Putting myself together so that my tender daughter would not be affected by my sad mood was by far the hardest thing I'd done in a long while.

When I fed her cereal from her plate, my mind was almost exploding with sadness and I badly wanted to just let it all out and cry but I couldn't do that. Not in front of her. I didn't want to traumatize her or worsen the bad day that I already had.

I forced myself through it all, holding in my emotions from spilling until I had successfully cuddled her to sleep, only then did I move from the bedroom where I had laid her to sleep, to the living room where I could cry and be myself.

The silence in my apartment was loud. It wasn’t the peaceful kind that comes after a long day, when the world finally exhales. This, right here, was heavy. It clung to the walls, settled into the corners, and pressed against my chest like a weight I couldn’t lift.

The road which was some distance away was quiet and the night was so dark outside. This time, it was just me alone and my mind which raced with thoughts. 

I sat on the edge of my couch, staring at the cut on my forearm. It was a deep cut, angry-red and raw, a physical reminder of the moment everything shifted. The moment Nelson, the man I’d let into my life, into my daughter’s life, had crossed a line I never thought he would.

He’d grabbed me, shoved me, hit me, and yelled words so sharp, they still echoed in my ears all because I spoke at length with a male customer. Because I’d done my job.

Now, alone in this room, I felt the tears slide down my cheeks, slow and bitter. I pressed a damp cloth to the cut, wincing at the sting, and tried to breathe through the ache.

Then a call came. 

My aunt Brittany; I hadn't returned the call from her which I missed while the whole saga happened and till this moment, I still didn't tell her anything about it.

I felt guilty as I picked up the phone, thinking how I'd put my words together and apologize for airing her but just as I looked at the caller ID, I noticed it wasn't from her.

It was Nelson who rang me.

I flung the phone onto the side of the couch, vibrating with anger.

He still had the guts to call me after embarrassing me and treating me like I was his tiny little slave who had no right over herself. I tried to pacify myself by moving away from the couch to the dining area where I could behold the stars of the night clearly but again, my phone rang for the second time, the ringing tone playing loudly and echoing into the silence of the night.

I quickly picked it up and muted the sound, so as not to wake up sleeping Hayley. We couldn't be two crybabies in the room tonight. 

Again, I didn’t answer. This time, I silenced the phone, turned it face down, but the vibration still rattled against the couch’s surface like a pulse I couldn't ignore. 

With fingers trembling, I picked it up again and went for his contact, but this time I blocked it without flinching. 

I detested the thought of him already and I needed space to process my very valid emotions. 

The silence that followed was immediate, brave, and peaceful- no buzz, no ringing, just quiet and calm. 

I curled up on the couch, wrapping myself in the blanket that I took from the bedroom, and then I stared at the ceiling. 

Hayley was fast asleep and it was late in the night - thank God. I couldn’t let her see me like this. I couldn’t let her feel the tension that still lingered in my bones.

I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to feel.

All I knew was that something had cracked and it could not be mended. The damage that was done was great and irrevocable. 

It was nearly 9 p.m. when I heard a knock on my door. 
I jerked off the couch, waking up from my slumber which I'd drifted into while I lay on it thinking.

As I stood on my feet, fear gripped me. I wondered who was knocking at someone else’s door this time of day. 

I tried to tiptoe to the light switch so that I could switch off the bright light in the living room and then the knock came again, this time more aggressive. I froze. 

I thought about the neighbors, and I doubted immediately that it was any of them. They were very private people who never meddled with others’ businesses, and I was just the same towards them too.

The only thing we had in common was good morning, good afternoon, and good night greetings. We never visited each other’s apartments in the bid to gossip or familiarize ourselves with each other. We were that distant.

I inhaled and exhaled, summoned courage, and decided to take the bull by the horns. 

I walked carefully to the door and tried to unlock the key but immediately I stopped myself. 

I wasn't going to be so stupid as to open up for some stranger at this time of the night. 

I stood there by the door, waiting for the individual to accept his/her fate, which was that no one was going to answer the door.

But the knock came again, this time louder and more persistent. 

Then I began to recall all the crime movies and stories which I watched and read about and how a lot of them usually began with a simple knock on the door after which an invasion followed. 

“May! May! It's me, Nelson! Nelson! Please open the door!” 

What the hell! I became extremely annoyed and pissed.

He still had the effrontery to pay me a late-night visit that almost caused my blood pressure to spike?

I leaned on the wall, my heart pounding profusely. 

He shouldn’t be here. He wasn’t supposed to be here, and with the way he behaved today, he had already become a threat to us. If I opened up to him, he could do something stupid. 

“May, I know you’re in there. Just let me talk to you,” he spoke again, pleading at the top of his voice.

But I didn’t move. I didn't flinch.

The knocking continued alongside his manipulative pleas.

“I’m not leaving until you open this door. Please babe, just let me talk to you.”

“Listen, Nelson, it's late and I don't want to be the reason you get into any trouble of any sort. Please take yourself out of this vicinity now!” I warned through the window which I'd shut a long time ago, not minding if he heard me.

But he ignored my words and continued knocking louder and just then I knew I couldn't ignore him anymore. 

I moved slowly, legs shaky, and walked to the door again, this time I peered through the peephole which I'd previously forgotten about due to the fear that enveloped me.

He was standing there, hands in his pockets, face pale, eyes shadowed.

I hesitated.

Then, against every instinct and question that ravaged my mind, I unlocked the door, submitting to fate. 

He stepped back as it opened, his eyes meeting mine instantly.

“Thank you,” he said in a low voice.

I didn’t respond. I turned and walked back into the living room, leaving the door ajar behind me. He followed, closing it gently.

The air between us was thick.

He looked around, as if taking in the bright lighting, the blanket on the couch, the untouched cup of tea on the table, and every other item in the room. 

“You blocked me,” he said.

I nodded. “Of course. I needed space.”

He exhaled. “I deserved that.”

I sat down, arms folded, eyes locked on him. “Why are you here?”

He walked slowly toward me, then stopped a few feet away. “To apologize, that's what I'm here for.”

I didn’t speak, instead, I just stared blankly into space. 

“I was wrong,” he said. “I was so wrong.”

I looked at him, waiting.

“I saw you with that guy,” he continued. “And something in me snapped. I thought…I don’t know…I thought I was losing you to him.”

“So you hurt me so that you could gain me back, I guess,” I said, my voice very sharp.

He flinched. “I didn’t mean to, I swear. I wasn’t thinking at all. At that moment, I was scared; scared of letting another man capture your heart. I saw the way he made you smile, I saw how close he was to you, and how much he seemed to enjoy your company. It broke me, babe, it hurt me!”

I stood up. “Scared doesn’t justify violence. There's no justification for laying your hands on me! None!”

“I know,” he said quickly. “I know that. I’ve been sitting in my car for hours, dying of guilt and trying to figure out what to say to appease your heart. I truly want to fix this.”

“You can’t fix it,” I said. “Not with words.”

He stepped closer. “I love you, May, and I love Hayley too. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and the thought of losing you, made me act like someone I couldn't recognize. I'm so sorry.” 

I shook my head. “You laid your hands on me, Nelson. You insulted me! You humiliated me!”

“I hate myself for it,” he whispered. “I swear to you, it will never happen again.”

I stared at him, searching his face for the man I thought I knew. The man who made Hayley laugh, who brought me flowers, who held my hand like it was something sacred.

“I need time to process this whole thing,” I said.

He nodded, looking down at his feet in remorse. “Take all the time you need, but just know I will never give up on you. I will be here waiting till you give me a chance again.”

“I need space.”

“I’ll give you that.”

I looked down at my arm, at the cut that was already beginning to scab.

“I need to feel safe.”

He swallowed hard. “I’ll earn that back, if you let me.”

I didn’t answer.

He stepped back, sensing the shift.

“I’ll go,” he said. “I just needed you to know that I’m sorry. That I’m not giving up on us.”

I nodded once.

He walked to the door, paused, and then turned.

“I’ll wait,” he said. “For as long as it takes.”

And then he was gone.

I stood in the quiet, my heart heavy and my mind spinning.

I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but tonight, I needed to heal.

And that, I would do alone.