BIGGER FIGHTS.
I stood there, frozen in shock, the weight of her words crushing on my shoulder. A child. Our child. My child. It was a thought I had never dared to contemplate, to even think of , not with everything that had happened between us. I felt the anger rising, fueled by betrayal and fear.
“Abort it,” I said, my voice low and dangerous. “We can not do this. Not after everything that has happened. Not with Leila.”
Tammy’s face hardened, her lips thinning in a tight line. “No,” she said, her voice firm and resolute.
“This is my child too,” she continued, her hands resting over her stomach. “You do not get to decide this on your own. And I will not have this baby growing up without knowing who it’s father is.”
The words were like a slap, a tight slap to my face. It reminded me of the mistake that I made that night and now this mistake was back to haunt me. I tried to keep my anger in check, but I could feel the rage bubbling inside me, threatening to spill over.
“You do not understand,” I growled, my voice low and menacing. “You are going to ruin everything.”
“I have got everything under control!” Tammy shot back, her voice rising in volume and pitch. “You think I am just going to sit by and let you walk away from this? From me? From our baby?” She trope forward and I could see the anger and rage in her eyes. “I did not come here to fight with you, but if you think for a second that I am going to let you treat me like I do not matter, you are dead wrong.”
I stared at her, the reality of the situation crashing down on my already tired shoulders. “You are taking about ruining my life,” I said, my voice a low , dangerous threat. “You do not get to do that. You do not get to walk back into my life and turn everything upside down like this. You do not get to act like we have got some kind of future together when you and I know that it is not possible.”
Tammy flinched at my words, her hands trembling slightly as she tightened over her stomach. “So what do you want from me Alexander?” She asked, her voice trembling. “Do you want me to disappear? Do you want me to get lost into thin air?”
“I want you to do the right thing,” I snapped, my patience running thin. “I want you to get rid of the baby and pretend like this never happened. It is the only way to protect Leila, to protect what we share and what we have built. I can not let you come in here and mess everything up.”
Tammy shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. “It is not that simple,” she said, her voice coming out like a whispered plea. “Do you not understand? You do not, how will you? You do not know what it is like,” she continued, her voice barely above a whisper. “To feel this life growing inside of you, yo know it is the only part of you that is real and true. The feeling of having a mini you growing right inside of you. The urge to protect it with every drop of blood in your body? I can not just get rid of it, not like it is nothing. He is not a mistake. It’s my child, our child Alexander.”
My heart ached, I knew that this time, Tammy was telling the truth and she meant every words she spoke. She was being a mother right now and not some bitter ex- girlfriend.
But I also knew the truth of my own reality. “I am sorry,” I said, my voice low and heavy. “I am sorry, for everything that happened between us. I am sorry if my words hurt you. But you have to under, I can not put my family at risk. I can not let you destroy everything I have worked for.”
Tammy shook her head, her shoulder shaking as she cried. “So that is it then? You are just going to walk away? You are going to pretend like this never happened? You are going to act like you never had a child of your own?”
I closed my eyes, the pain in her voice hitting me. “I do not know what else to do?” I whispered, my voice hoarse with emotion. “ I can not have both of you. I can not be a father to this baby without risking everything I have built. You know that.”
Tammy stared at me, her expression a mix of pain and anger. “You do not even know how to be a father, you can not think or act like a father,” she said, her voice breaking with tears. “You can not even protect the one you have got.”
I winced, her words like a slap on my face. I knew she was right, I knew that I am neglecting my duties, my responsibilities, my new family. But I could not let that stop me now, could not let her words sway me from what I knew what the right thing to do.
“Maybe I am not the perfect father,” I said, my voice rising in volume and intensity. “But I know that i can not put Leila through this. I can not subject her to the pain of knowing this...it will destroy her and break her. I can not do this to her.”
“And what about what she did to you? You know exactly what she did, you know of all the dirty things she hid from you.” Tammy roared.
“At least, she told me. She opened up and told me...I can not keep this from her. It will ruin her.” I snapped back.
“Really? She told you or she tricked you. Let me tell you Alexander, whatever you think you know about Leila, or whatever truth she might have told you is only scratching off the surface.” Tammy said.
“Want do you mean? Scratching off the surface?”