Chapter 112

Chapter 112
Noah
For a split second, I could smell the iron… and the vile reek of decay… 
The flames of hell when Mr. Twarznai left the precinct… The smell of sulfur from the scorpion demon Jerold fought…
The screams of a soul… 
The Visons.
How could I tell him this, without him freaking out too much? I could still function, just…. Not in a vampires’ den anytime soon. I could work, but I don’t want to see someone decapitated, drained, or otherwise until I get a better handle on my emotions. I felt all over the place, a strange combination of defeat, revulsion at myself, and repulsed by what I’d seen, smelled, and heard…
Yet for Jerold, death and evisceration don’t bother him. He’s as much of a meat eating, hunting shifter as a werewolf…. Plus, he fought the Realm King. He’s seen worse…. He nearly rolled his eyes at Father Angelo while I saw his what he did.
“Noah, I smell a bit of fear… please… Please talk to me.” He encouraged.
“I feel… discouraged, helpless, and weak.” I said it in a way that I knew my mate would grasp…. “Feel like a deer that had to sit with lions, and eat meat as they do so I’m not consumed… I had to just sit there, smile and fucking wave like a little bitty puppet. I feel like whatever I do is for nothing since by fae law, humans are fodder.”
I wouldn’t tell him about the gore.
I wouldn’t tell him that today, I felt nervous, and I actually was a little glad we hadn’t left… I didn’t want to, but I need to.
Jerold, despite how much he cares, is an eater of man…
“Oh little mate.” He mumbled, hugging me. “I think you’ve seen enough until you speak with someone.”
“A meeting isn’t traumatic.” I countered.
“But your mind is at its limit. We all have one.” He said honestly. His touch was comforting but I felt guilt, and unhappiness… “And I may not be human, but I won’t lie, nor will I diminish your feelings. You have seen and been in some of the most dangerous situations any person could go through. That is something I will not ever know…. But I know how it feels to try, and your efforts fall short. I know how it feels to get over some hill, only to realize that there’s still a mountain left to climb… But also know that I’m here for you however I can be…. and what we do matters even if it isn’t as much as we want…”
“Then move.” I asked again. “I won’t let my-” He cut me off.
“How can you be of aid when you need a rest yourself?” Jerold countered. “Noah…  This is not a thing that can be solved overnight, or by overworking yourself. You aren’t alone, and you are heard.”
That numbness still lingered, since it sits on the back of the tongue like eating the rind of a lemon…. That aftertaste, that bitter, sour pith and acidic flavor that lingers after biting into a wedge without sugar was there, but being with him makes this easier… to sit back one second and feel the humanity from him brought comfort.
I guess I bottled up everything until now, and there was like a weight off my shoulders a bit.
“Noah, we can reschedule.” Said Jerold.
“Yes, and while everyone waits for you because you’re waiting for me, the vampires might even have a new coven up and ready to go.” I said firmly. “I’m not alright, but I will be ok… I just need fresh air after work.”
“I still don’t like that.” He complained. “I’ll just call then, and they can come to us.”
“And you’re going to just have the city council, the chiefs of human and supernatural police, And the next mayor here?” I countered. “We’re not doing that.”
“We will if I call Equestos.” He said letting go, and crossing his arms. “Your work trauma needs to be addressed in a healthy way, or you may find yourself unable to calm yourself in a mundane situation.”
“I’m not a dog that needs to go to a vet.” I hissed.
“No, but you are a man who’s seen things that can bend his mind. You’ve seen things that have broken others.” Jerold still stood in front of the door, not letting me pass.
“Let me pass. We’re going to be late.” I said firmly.
“No.” he said just as firm. \[Confusion.\] he snorted. He looked away, as if he were ashamed, and I put a hand on his chest.
“What are you confused about?” I asked.
“You.” He motioned me. “You’ll run through a burning building for someone you’ve never met, but you won’t value yourself enough to stop, and take a break…. I know I’m one to talk, but at least you can talk sense into me.”
“….After the meeting, I’ll talk to someone.” I said to negotiate. “I don’t want them in our house, nor do I want to leave, but the city needs you.”
“It needs you too.” Said Jerold. “There is no part of this where I can do it alone….”
“And there is no part of this where I don’t slow you down if I don’t get my shit straight.” I said honestly.
“I don’t mind going slow if it means you’re alright.” Said Jerold.
“Then go slow with me.” I said hesitating…. I didn’t exactly know what I wanted… or how to express it. “I… I don’t want to be a walking contradiction. I don’t want the world to bend for me so I can be comfortable, when the people we want to help can’t.”
“How?” He asked, looking at me in the eyes, though they never once became red… For me, he has patience and he tries to understand, even when he can’t…. He respects me and my wishes.
If I told him to bring them here, he would, even if it meant he had to go pick them up.
But that’s not what I want.
“I wish to do this as an officer, not a king flaunting and flexing their position.” I said reaching, and holding both his hands. “Sure you could call them, or have them come over… reschedule, cancel even, but what about all those people who count on us? The vampires won’t wait.”
“I still don’t feel right… I don’t.” Said Jerold. “…. Before you I would dream of the worst things that happened to me… I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you becoming nervous around our friends, or hating vampires….. I don’t want your smile to be stolen by Rolland….” He said with a bullish snort.