55.0

55.0
HARPER

I don't get it. That's the thing that keeps looping in my head.

I don't get him. 

Xavier has been... off. Not loud-off or angry-off. It's worse. Quiet-off. Distance-off. Which means he's been avoiding me. It's been a week since the CPS trouble and after the calls Clara made, we haven't heard from them. 

I'm happy. And he's supposed to share in my happiness right? But he keeps ignoring me. Acting like I don't exist. 

Not Nyla though. Never Nyla. He still scoops her up, still lets her grab his fingers with her fists. Still makes those silly faces that get her to laugh. 

And then... he hands her back to me or sets her down and just... leaves.

Doesn’t sit next to me. Doesn’t even look at me half the time. And it irks me. Like, really irks me. Because what did I even do?

I’ve been good. Careful. Present. I’ve barely put Nyla down except when I absolutely have to. I wake up for her. I feed her. I rock her when she cries at two in the morning, and my eyes burn, and my back hurts, and I still hum because it calms her.

So he can’t say I’ve been neglecting her.

And yet.

Here we are.

Breakfast is over, so I start clearing the table. Xavier stands up too. For half a second, I think... okay. Maybe now. Maybe he’ll say something. About why he's been a dick lately.

"Harper, honey? Can you come here a second?" Clara calls from the door.

I shoot one last look at Xavier’s back and head toward Clara.

"So," she starts, tucking a stray hair behind my ear. "I’ve been doing some thinking. About Nyla."

"Is everything okay? Did the lawyers call back?"

"No, no, everything is fine on that front," she reassures me, her smile widening. “I’ve been… well. I’ve been thinking.”

I blink. “About…?”

“A nursery."

“A... what?”

“For Nyla,” she says gently. “There’s a really good one not far from campus. Highly recommended. Clean, attentive, wonderful staff.”

My brain lags for a second. “A nursery… like. Daycare?”

“Yes.” She nods. “For when you’re in classes.”

“Oh,” I say. That’s all that comes out.

"Look, you’re in college now, Harper. You'll have midterms coming up soon, and as much as I love having that sweet girl underfoot, you need to be a student, too. It’ll benefit her to be around other kids, and it’ll benefit you to have your hands free for a few hours."

“I mean,” I say slowly, “I’ve been managing.”

“I know you have,” she says quickly. “And you’ve been wonderful. Truly. But you don’t have to do everything alone.”

I nod. “Okay.”

She watches me carefully. “You’re… okay with it?”

I swallow. “Yeah. I’m okay with it.”

And I am. I think. Mostly. The idea of leaving Nyla somewhere else makes my stomach twist, but the idea of falling behind in school scares me too. And Clara isn’t wrong. I am tired. All the time. Even though I don't have the right to complain. Who do I even complain to?

Clara smiles. “I just wanted to tell you. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“It’ll be good,” she adds. “She’ll be taken care of well. And you’ll have more time to study. To breathe. To get other things done.”

I nod again and force a smile. “Yeah. That… that makes sense.”

She reaches out and squeezes my hand. Then she turns her head. “Xavier! Change of plans. I need you to drive Harper and Nyla to the nursery. I already called ahead.”

"I can't," he says immediately.

Wow. He's really avoiding me if he wouldn't drop us off. That brings me back to the question. What the hell did I do? Was it something I said? 

Clara’s smile falters. "What do you mean by 'can't'? It’s Saturday."

"I have a study date," he says. He finally looks at me, but his eyes are cold. "I told someone I'd meet them."

Clara looks at me, then at him. I think I can even read her mind. And Damien's too. He's no longer scrolling his phone. He's staring at me. I'm sure they're thinking the same thing I am. 

"You have a study date? You didn't mention it." Clara says.

"I forgot." That's all Xavier says in response.

"Xavier, surely you can push it back an hour?" She asks.

"I can't. They're waiting." He doesn't offer an apology. What am I even saying? He doesn't even look guilty. He just turns and heads for the stairs.

Clara sighs and rubs her temple. “Damien?”

Damien straightens up, standing. “Yeah?”

“Please take Harper and Nyla to the nursery.”

“Of course,” he says. “No problem at all.”

Clara turns back to me, cups my face gently. She kisses both my cheeks.

“Be careful, okay?” she says softly.

“I will.”

She smiles again, then turns and heads out.