Chapter 11 — The Heart of the Circus

The decision had not been easy, but it was the right one. It had to be, right? What else could she do? Sadness washed over her, but he knew there was no other way. Leaving the circus was better than causing them more trouble or truly irreparable damage; and it was better for them to stick with the acts of Matthieu, Ann Marie or Tilda and Raoul, than to allow them to risk and leave them at the mercy of what she always knew was something wrong. An aberration of nature. Something that never brought her anything but trouble… Well, that wasn't entirely true, was it? After all, it had been precisely because of such a flaw that she had come to know and interact with this strange group of people… and, consequently, to have felt happier than she had ever been. But damn it! That inexplicable thing about her person always found a way to mess up her life...

After almost half an hour of walking (putting on socks and boots twenty meters from the camp), she reached the city. She looked for a taxi, but given the late hours of the night, she had to resign herself to continuing on foot to the train station.

There she bought a ticket for the next train. It would leave at a quarter past four in the morning, bound for Arcachon – a coast in eastern France and on which she hoped to find a place away from it all. That gave her two hours of waiting at the station, where she waited only in the company of a concierge with whom she exchanged only a small polite smile. She wasn't in the mood to engage in anything more than that. She struggled to stay distracted, not wanting to give herself away with the glow of her cheeks as she sped up thinking of the companions she was leaving behind.

She tried to read a newspaper that she found abandoned on a bench close to her, but the news mostly focused on the political conflicts that occurred in Germany and Spain only made her feel worse. She didn't want to think about it. She had her own conflicts – and it wasn't that she wasn't interested in what was going on in those countries around her own, but what use was it to her to think of something she couldn't do anything about? She just sank into worrying about what a matter like that might mean for her and the people she cared about. There were many more now than before – and it was them she didn't want to think about, so she put the newspaper aside and wandered around the station until her train arrived.

It was not too long a wait with her head full of all kinds of thoughts and with the beautiful view of the surrounding streets in the middle of the morning, silent and peaceful, with which she could ramble a little more about her future. What could she do alone? She recalled the various jobs or trades recommended by her colleagues and laughed, imagining herself in each of them. Something like what she had and with its respective concerns could make her an excellent lighthouse keeper. Could it be possible? She sighed with some overwhelm.

"I'll see what to do" she concluded.

To her right her gaze caught one of the circus posters, mentioning it as the fascinating new attraction. She smiled at herself and for a second considered pulling it out to take with her, as a reminder of what had been a beautiful couple of months... but then she changed her mind, thinking it would be more of a painful thing.

“I shouldn't have accepted Clothilde's proposal”, he told to herself. "Now nothing will hurt as much as this..."

The stab in the chest seemed to support her conclusion. As she thought about it, she squeezed him a little more, preventing her from even being able to stand fully upright. It was a most terrible feeling and she only wished there were no incidents on the train... or that, if that be the case, there were no people around. She didn't want to hurt anyone, or be seen anymore.

Thus, as soon as the train arrived and opened its doors, it accosted her and forcibly avoided turning in the least. She would not bear it. Her gaze was fixed on the void in front of her and tears ran down her pale and bright face as the machinery began to walk towards its destination, completely uncertain, but in which she was sure she would not be the main threat to her own well-being and those of whom surrounded her.

*****

When morning arrived, the circus got up in some haste. The idea was to get to Bergerac as soon as possible, and it would take an hour or two to finish dismantling the tents and missing equipment. However, when Ann Marie noticed that Elsa's bed had not only been unoccupied before hers (which, on her own, was unusual, with the redhead always being the first to wake up in the whole group), but that her things were not there and that instead was a folded sheet on the bed, it didn't take her more than a few seconds to understand what had happened. It was evident (though no less shocking) upon reading the little message in the note:

Dear All:

I cannot find the words to express the pain that what I have decided supposes, but which I know is the best for everyone... Although you do not refer to it as such, I know that classifying the circus as something dangerous for its audience is my fault; and, therefore, that it will not matter if it is in Bordeaux or in another city, to continue with you, it would not cease to be a high risk element for the public and for yourselves.

You have welcomed me in a wonderful way and I will always treasure our experiences together, no matter how brief they have been… But it is precisely because of the strong feeling of affection that I have for you that I must go. I don't want to put you at greater risk to the dangers of my strange condition and I know that, as much as you insisted otherwise, that would happen. I have caused you more trouble than good and I ask you to forgive me...

I'm really sorry to leave you, but you must know that it is the best for everyone...

And Jacub, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this, but I couldn't bear to even mention it. I hope you understand. I know you do. But still I ask your forgiveness and I want you to know that if I had a heart, it would have been yours. But all I have is an aberration of nature and I cannot share it with you. I'm really sorry. I hope you forgive me.

With all my love, Elsa Ludgate  

Not letting more than a second pass, Ann Marie ran to deliver the note to Clothilde, waking her up by hitting one of the rafters of her tent. In her nightgown, the circus presenter peered out, barely managing to keep one eye open.

─Ann Marie, what…? ─she asked, choking on yawns.

─She's gone! ─Ann Marie responded promptly.

─Ah? Of who are you talking about?

─Of Elsa. She’s gone! ─Ann Marie handed her the note.

─What!? ─Clothilde exclaimed, waking up and reading the note─. Oh merde...

Madame Judith appeared next to her. At some point in the night she had reached the camp and spent the rest of the morning in the company of Clothilde.

─What’s going on? ─asked Madame Judith.

─Elsa is gone! ─Clothilde reported now.

─What? Why? ─the woman was equally puzzled.

─That damn Chevalier made her feel guilty… ─she exclaimed in anger─. Merde! When did you find this? ─asked Ann Marie.

─Just now...

─Merde ─repeated Clothilde, anxious.

─What do we do?

─Gather everyone immediately ─she ordered─. I’ll catch up in a moment…

─Ja ─Ann Marie answered hurriedly.

Clothilde dressed quickly and ten minutes after receiving the news, she joined the rest of the group outside the leftover tents. Ann Marie had promptly warned them of the issue and now everyone was commenting on it in confusion:

─Miss Ludgate left? ─Matthieu asked─. Why would she do such a thing?

─It's in the note, Matthieu ─Tilda replied─. She felt guilty.

─But why? It wasn't her fault that they kicked us out of Bordeaux…

─No, but she feels like it was ─said Clothilde─. She worries about her touch… Damn, we really shouldn't have pushed her to perform.

─She herself insisted on it, Clothilde ─said Louis─. She wanted to do it...

─Yes, but only because she knew we depended on her ─Jacub replied─. Put too much weight on her shoulders... We pushed a lot to someone who for years sought to avoid getting stressed at all at all costs... ─he sighed ruefully.

The news came to Jacub in a daze. He tried to stay focused, but inside he was restless and certainly bewildered. How could he not have realized what Elsa was thinking the night before? Could he have stopped her if that was the case? Had she really left and would he never see her again? His heart felt heavy and his head dizzy. He had grown fond of her quickly and the news shook him more than anyone else. He tried to hide his emotion by rubbing his face and letting out long sighs.

─The boy is right ─Clothilde continued─. We asked too much of that girl and now she may have to suffer the consequences of our need.

─And what will we do now? ─Wally asked next─. Are we going to find her?

─You heard Chevalier; we have to leave the city today ─said Raoul.

─So what? Are we just going to let Elsa go? ─asked Tilda.

─Well, she's the one who decided that ─Louis continued─. Don't get me wrong, I like Miss Ludgate. But we don't know where she could have gone and we are under pressure to leave the city. Going in her search is difficult right now…

Giusseppe's arrival at the meeting silenced the group from their discussions.

─What’s going on? ─he asked them─. What’s all this talking about?

─Don't you know? ─Matthieu replied.

─It seems to be that Ms. Ludgate has gone ─said Barry.

─What…? ─Giusseppe reacted with shock.

─It doesn’t seem to be, Barry, she's gone! ─Matthieu continued─. And why? For an asshole who has a personal problem with us? ─he glanced briefly at Clothilde and Madame Judith.

They both looked away for a moment.

Giusseppe took the note from Clothilde's hand.

─It's absurd! ─Matthieu exclaimed─. And we better do something about it.

─Like what? ─Wally asked.

─Do you want us to get revenge on Chevalier? ─Tilda raised─. Because if so, count me in. I don't care if he's a policeman.

─What? Do you want to go hit Chevalier? ─Louis questioned, surprised.

─Well, yes! He deserves it! And right where it hurts...

─That gunpowder would be so helpful to us right now! ─Matthieu mentioned.

─Hey, hey, shut up ─Giusseppe told them─. No one's going to start another problem with that jerk.

─Start it? No. But how about finishing the ones we already have? ─Tilda continued.

─I think you are leaving aside the most important thing: Elsa ─Ann Marie mentioned.

─Right ─Barry seconded─. What should we do, Giusseppe?

Before Giusseppe could say anything, Jacub replied:

─I, for my part, know that I will go looking for her ─he said─. She can't just leave...

─I'm going with you ─Matthieu seconded.

─Yes, me too ─Tilda continued─. And if we meet Chevalier, the better...

─But don’t even know where to look... ─Louis said.

─It doesn't matter, I'll go for her wherever she is ─Jacub continued, determined.

─But we have to finish up with the camp or Chevalier… ─Raoul tried to protest, when interrupted by Tilda.

─Oh, have a little courage, will you? ─Tilda reproached him and Louis─. So much virility and now you act like cowards when a simple gendarme threatens us if we don't leave.

─Chevalier can go to hell as far as I'm concerned ─said Matthieu─. And you can go if you want. But without Elsa, I won't go back to the circus.

─Me neither ─Jacub continued.

─Are you serious? ─Louis questioned them.

─You're crazy ... ─said Raoul.

─Are we? ─Matthieu questioned─. Where were we before Elsa arrived, Raoul? To the point of bankruptcy! Have you forgotten? She gave us a good reputation again. A good audience. Respect. And now that things are getting bad for her, what? Are we going to turn our backs on her? What kind of men would we be?

─The boy has a point ─Giusseppe pointed out─. We owe her…

─But Giusseppe… Chevalier ─Raoul reiterated, concerned.

─While I can’t believe I'm saying this, I second what was said by Matthieu ─he replied─. Chevalier can go to hell for all I care. We all know that his real conflict is with Clothilde, not with the circus... and even that is something that should not correspond to him in the least. And it is not fair that the person who has helped us the most in all this is the person who pays for it. So, we must go for Elsa. No matter how convinced she is that she is a danger to us, we need her. She is one of us now and we owe it to her. So, let's do this: Louis, Raoul, Wally and Tilda, you guys finish dismantling the camp...

─Why do I have to stay with these guys? ─Tilda protested.

─Because if Chevalier comes to cause problems, we know that you will be the right person to face him. You are intimidating as hell when you put your mind ─continued Giusseppe.

─That's true... ─said Louis, holding her with one arm.

─Well... But I warn you that if I see him, I'll hit in nuts and I do not care what happens then ─said Tilda.

─Jacub, Matthew and Ann Marie, you go to the train station and ask if anyone has seen her ─continued Giusseppe─. Barry, Clothilde and I will look in town…

─I want to go too ─interrupted Madame Judith, with some nervousness─. I want to help, please, Mr. Vaccaretti… I know the city and maybe that could be of help…

Giusseppe considered it for a moment, noticing Clothilde's pained expression.

─Alright ─he said, without presenting the slightest opposition─. You will come with us then, Judith, and we will search the city... Unless she leave the town walking away (which I doubt in the cold it was doing last night), busses or trains are the only ways Elsa could have left, so we will find her...

─What if we don’t? ─asked Clothilde, with genuine concern.

Giusseppe briefly silenced, then assuring:

─We will. Now enough talk. Let's go!

Not missing another second, the group split to handle their respective tasks. While Louis, Raoul, Wally, and Tilda worked to finish dismantling the camp, the others boarded the truck and drove into town.

*****

This was the first time, at least during that stay, that Giusseppe Vaccaretti had come to Bordeaux; and though he might have shown the least possible interest in it on another occasion, he was now most attentive, staring out the window next to Barry, who was driving.

Like him, the rest was carefully watching if they could spot Miss Ludgate somewhere – which, of course, was not the case... and in the midst of this, some anxiety came to Clothilde. Although she had been relatively calm about the departure from Bordeaux (despite it weigh her down), this new situation affected her, making her feel responsible for all the problems that made Elsa decide to leave the circus.

─I'm sorry ─she expressed as they were arriving in town.

─Why? ─Giusseppe asked, briefly looking to his daughter.

─For all this... ─she said─. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t been so reckless and careless as to allow Chevalier to have the slightest suspicion. I know I should have been more cautious at that time... and not harass him that much. But I was confident or I don't know what, and that is what caused him to run us from Bordeaux and thus made Miss Ludgate feel guilty.

─Oh, but come on ─Matthieu replied─. That wasn't your fault, Clothilde...

─It was, it was ─the woman insisted─. I shouldn't have been so careless... so different...

Her hand was gently held by Madame Judith’s, who shared the feeling of guilt and reproach.

But before she said anything else, Giusseppe interrupted:

─Hey, don't apologize for that ─he pointed at her─. For being different and such. You can apologize for being careless. Yes. You should have been more careful and less reckless with Chevalier… Both of you ─he looked at Madame Judith─. But you cannot, nor should you, apologize for the other thing... for being who you are. That's not what I have taught you, you understand? Let them apologize for not understanding or accepting you, but don't apologize for not being like them. Agree?

Clothilde was silent for a moment, observing her father's serious and convinced face as he said these words, almost absent from blinking while awaiting her answer. There was great conviction in what he spoke and, although Clothilde was already a woman, for that couple of minutes she seemed to have gone back in time to when she was just a girl. None of the others would dare break such a moment until Clothilde, with her lower lip trembling, nodded her head and said:

─Alright… Thank you, dad.

─You have nothing to thank for ─answered Giusseppe─. Just listen to that. The same goes for all of you ─he looked at the others─. Apologize for your mistakes, but never apologize for what you are, you understand?

─Yes, Giusseppe… ─the others answered at the same time and in different tones.

Clothilde smiled in genuine surprise and deep affection. She shared a look with Madame Judith, who was in the same emotion, and kissed her father on his cheek (something her peers hadn't seen since she was a child or at all). Such detail puzzled Giusseppe for a moment, before making him draw the silhouette of a smile on his face... and which he tried to hide, saying:

─Now stop thinking about yourself and let’s find our lost phenomenon...

His companions gave a laugh and, minutes later, they arrived at the first of their destinations – the train station.

Jacub, Matthieu and Ann Marie descended, while Barry, Clothilde, Madame Judith and Giusseppe would go to the truck station, located in a more central area of ​​the city... or at least that was the idea, then interrupted at the moment Sergeant Chevalier appeared.

─My, my ─his voice stopped them─. Mr. Vaccaretti, I thought you were leaving Bordeaux… This seems the opposite, doesn't it?

─Chevalier, we don't have time for this ─answered Giusseppe─. Believe me, we want to get out as soon as possible, but a problem arose and...

─I see that Madame Judith is accompanying you ─interrupted Chevalier─. Why is that, I wonder?

─Her presence here has nothing to do with you, Chevalier ─said Clothilde─. Neither does any of our affairs.

─Correction, it does have to do with my affairs ─Chevalier continued─. Because my affairs refer to the preservation of morals, and you are the perversion of these...

─Oh, dear, I don’t know if you are insulting or flattering ─smiled Clothilde.

─Stop joking, Vaccaretti ─interrupted Chevalier─. I clearly told you that you had to leave as soon as possible and instead you have come to town again. You leave me no other than... ─he was about to arrest them, when...

A punch to his face, thrown by Giusseppe ended the discussion! The sergeant fell unconscious in front of them... and the members of the circus (and Madame Judith) looked at Giusseppe with tremendous shock.

─Oh, my... ─exclaimed Barry.

─Giusseppe… ─Matthieu seconded, almost speechless.

─What? ─he replied─. I’m done talking to this jerk.

─Now his companions are coming this way… ─Clothilde warned.

Three gendarmes were already running towards the scene.

─Oh, damn it ─Giusseppe exclaimed─. We’ll take care of it. You guys go see if our girl was here or if we're just wasting time… Go! Go!

Without waiting a moment longer, the plan continued. Barry, Clothilde and Madame Judith stayed to defend Giusseppe from the consequences that the well-deserved blow he gave to Sergeant Chevalier would bring him with those gendarmes, and Jacub, Matthieu and Ann Marie ran into the train station.

─Damn, I didn't know that Giusseppe still had so much strength! ─Matthieu exclaimed.

─What did you expect? He used to tame lions! ─Ann Marie answered.

─I won't mess with him again, for sure!

By the time they arrived at the station (shortly after eight o'clock in the morning), the ticket sellers had already been replaced by their colleagues from the morning shift... and none of them seemed to have any idea of ​​the girl with pale glowing skin and expressive sad eyes that any of the three members of the circus would describe:

─Short hair, beautiful, surely quite dressed ─Jacub described her.

─Not very tall, a bit flat, but cute, but distant ─Matthieu explained.

─Shy, fringed, literally shiny from her skin ─Ann Marie expressed.

The answer to all was the same:

─Sorry, my shift has just started and I don't know if someone like that was at night.

They then searched for the night shift personnel, but discovered that most of them had left the station a few minutes before arriving.

─Well, we don't even know if she came here ─Matthieu commented.

Ann Marie's gaze was distracted at the time with the presence of the last person who might know something: the night concierge.

─Maybe he knows something ─she said and went to him.

Each one re-described it in the way they did to the ticket sellers and the concierge reacted:

─I think I know who you are talking about ─he said─. It's that girl from the circus, right? The jellyfish?

The trio shared a look with each other, puzzled and confused.

─Have you seen her perform? ─Matthieu asked.

─Yes, I have been to a couple of your shows a few weeks ago ─he replied─. Pretty impressive… But yeah, I could recognize her everywhere. She is a somewhat unusual girl. It shows from the beginning. Yes, she was here a few hours ago. I'm not sure, but I think he took the first train of the day...

─Won't you know where that train was going? ─Jacub asked now.

─I'm not sure really, but you can check it on the board ─he indicated.

They thanked the man and immediately went to check which was the first train of the day – that is, the one headed for Arcachon.

─Arcachon? ─Matthieu questioned─. Why would she go to Arcachon?

─Maybe she just wanted to take the first train? ─deduced Ann Marie─. She was in a hurry.

─What do we do, then? Do we wait for the others or? ─Matthieu asked.

─The next train to Arcachon leaves in ten minutes ─Jacub warned, looking at the next trains board.

─Okay, let's do this ─proposed Ann Marie─. You go look for Elsa, while I wait and tell the others, ja? Leave a message where you can and we'll track you down like this, ja?

─Ja-ja ─Jacub and Matthieu answered together.

They ran to buy tickets for the next train to Arcachon, while Ann Marie went to inform Giusseppe and the others.

─She went to Arcachon! ─she reported, interrupting the discussion between Giusseppe, Barry, Clothilde and Madame Judith with the gendarmes.

─Arcachon? ─Giusseppe exclaimed.

─That's not too far from here ─Barry answered─. We can reach her!

─And we will ─Clothilde continued─. Let's go!

─You heard, back to camp! ─Giusseppe indicated.

─But Monsieur Vaccaretti… ─the gendarmes protested.

─Hey, you don't want us here, we don't want to be here, let us go and we promise not to come back or cause more problems, okay? ─he replied─. This is all his fault anyway ─he pointed to Chevalier─. Talk to him in any case...

And boarded the truck, immediately driving back to the circus. Who cared about the authorities? They were already an outlaw group and the only thing that mattered to them now was not wasting any more time.

*****

Where would Elsa go? Could they find her? Anxiety saturated Jacub's thoughts as he considered never seeing her again. His face resting on his fist, his leg bouncing incessantly, some anger towards Elsa could not be avoided for having left them that way. However, he also considered, from the couple of months it took to meet her, that such a decision was not made without reason or without being fully convinced that it was the correct option to make. How could he persuade her to return? Neither he nor anyone else had raised anything that would question their appreciation for her. For Elsa, they weren't the problem, but what was happening to herself. How to convince her that the risks to her person were no worse than what it meant not to have her with them? With him? It was his own heart that now sting with the anguish of not being with whom he loved... and although he had not said it, or even considered it up to that point, now that he reflected on such concerns, he realized that obviousness: he loved her.

It was not because of her beauty... because of the sensitivity of her eyes or the tentativeness of her lips... nor because of the charm of her smile or the grace of her body... her small breasts or her thin legs... He had fallen in love with all this, of course... But what had really captivated him was that feeling that she produced in him. That calm he felt when he was with her, not because she was the one who could save the circus, but because of the way she was… because of the genuine attention she paid to others, because of her modesty and because of that witty humour that arose suddenly. And also because of that inexplicable desire she created for him to be able to help and protect her.

All of this was what made her love her… and such was a feeling he didn't want to leave.

─Don’t worry ─Matthieu told him, noticing his concern─. We’ll find her. Someone like her doesn't just disappear. You’ll see.

─That's one thing ─Jacub replied─. But what assures us that she will want to return?

─She will ─said his friend.

─What makes you so confident?

─That she didn't want to leave us, actually. She only did it out of fear of affecting us.

─Yes, well, she is convinced of that and I don't know how we can dissuade her...

─Oh, I know how ─replied Matthieu, with some confidence.

─You know? ─Jacub questioned, somewhat sceptical.

─Yes, I know. I know everyone always take me as the joke of the group, but I know what I'm saying. And it's pretty obvious, actually ─he bragged─. You want to know?

─Of course...

─Of course you do ─Matthieu continued─. Especially since you'll have to be the one to convince her of that... And you better do it right! If not, we could really lose her...

─Could you just say what you have to say? ─Jacub got stressed.

─Fine! ─Matthieu exclaimed and spread a smile─. Again, it is a simple matter and I am surprised that neither you nor Clothilde or Giusseppe think about it, but it is as simple as this: if what she fears is affecting us, the worst way she could do this is not electrocuting one of us or getting the circus in trouble with the law... That could happen to us in any other way as we have seen. No. The worst way she could really affect us is by abandoning us… right?

Jacub was silent for a moment before exclaiming in genuine amazement:

─Son of a bitch, that's brilliant.

─I know! ─Matthieu continued─. And it was enough for me just to see your anguish right now to realize it. And if you can convince her of that, she will come back to us. She doesn't want to hurt people and nothing would hurt us more than her absence.

─You better be right, we're almost there… ─Jacub warned.

─It’s our best option ─Matthieu concluded.

Ten minutes later they arrived at Arcachon. The immediate humidity of a city by the sea was present, even despite the low temperatures of January. They didn't waste an instant, soon beginning to ask the various workers if they had seen the introverted pale girl with glowing skin.

The answer was mostly negative. Elsa knew how to go unnoticed – and this was beginning to put them in some tension… when a woman who sold flowers outside the station claimed to recognized her.

─Yes, I think I remember her ─she said─. A pretty girl… and something unusual, too. I'm not sure, maybe it was because of the time and the sun coming through this door, but she seemed to shine from her cheeks. She asked me where the country side was and bought a flower.

─What kind of flower? ─asked Jacub─. A red carnation?

─Yes, yes ─the woman continued─. A red carnation.

Jacub and Matthieu shared a look as they said together:

─It was her.

They asked her in which direction the country side was and after the respective indications, they continued the search. Elsa was a few hours ahead of them, but they were sure that wherever she went, she would go on foot. After all, she sought to avoid people and isolate herself, which by nature prevented her from asking for help anyone.

In this way, Jacub and Matthieu devised that the former would continue the search on a bicycle that he bought from a local deliveryman.

─You go, I'll wait for the others ─Matthieu told him─. After all, it depends more on you than on any of us. Go!

Jacub said no more and started off, pedalling at full speed towards the field. He would not return without finding her. For him, that would be unacceptable... and if that flower seller was telling the truth, he would find Elsa at any cost. 

*****

Jacub went along the country road for several hours, asking several farmers, if anyone had seen her. It wasn’t the case. He began to consider that perhaps she could have taken another route. But where? The way there was straight. There were no deviations. Only the Atlantic Ocean on the right and some farms or fishermen's houses on the left... each time more far away from civilization and under a sky that was beginning to darken with the arrival of a typical winter rain.

The young man became desperate (although not discouraged) as two, three, four hours passed without any clue from Elsa.

Then, almost out of nowhere, a young peasant girl informed him:

─I think I know who you're talking about, yes ─she said─. Well, to say the true, there aren't many foreign girls hanging around here with two suitcases – and the description is similar.

─Do you know where she could have gone? ─Jacub asked, exhausted, but insistent.

─She was here about an hour ago ─informed the young woman─. She seemed. She bought a canteen with water and a couple of apples... and I think she went into that direction ─she pointed to an old abandoned house by the sea─. But I don't know if she’s there.

─Thank you ─Jacub exclaimed, catching his breath and continuing towards the house.

It was not very big and it seemed abandoned for several years. Grass grew around it, in what was once a small crop, now devastated; and its wooden walls were worn and corroded by moisture. What was Elsa doing there? That wasn't a place for one person… though she didn't feel like one, either. Could he find something of her there, perhaps?

His legs were exhausted from hours of riding a bicycle, and the only thing that encouraged Jacub to continue was the possibility of finding a clue of the missing girl there... something, anything. Just knowing that she had been there for a while before, would be enough to resume his search for as many hours as necessary... when what he saw made him dissipate all fatigue and even re-energize.

For there, on the other side of that abandoned and grassy house, lay none other than Elsa Ludgate, sitting on a small log by the sea, her feet catching the small waves while her eyes gazed at the churning water under the sky of the impending rain. There she was! It was her!

The heart of Jacub jumped for joy as the bike down and ran towards her.

─Elsa! Elsa! ─he yelled at her, barely managing to avoid falling from tired and making his way through the undergrowth of grass.

At the first call of her name, Elsa was confused... and at the second, turning in the direction where Jacub appeared, her fear became real. There he was.

─Jacub… ─Elsa exclaimed, with a certain overwhelm and standing up.

Jacub stopped in front of her, catching his breath.

─There you are! ─he said overwhelmed with emotion─. There you are! I thought... I feared...

Elsa let a second pass, before asking with some distance in her voice:

─What are you doing here?

─What am I doing here? ─Jacub replied, with a laugh─. Looking for you, what else?

─But why? How…?

─It's not easy to lose track of someone like you… And as for the first question, well…

─No ─Elsa asked, interrupting him─. Please don't say it.

─What?

─What are you about to say… Please don't. Do not say it.

─Elsa… ─Jacub then silenced.

Elsa's face was filled with a terrible emotion that made her cheeks glow more than ever and her lips trembled, unable to look at him.

A thunder sounded and the first drops fell.

─It’s starting to rain ─Elsa pointed out─. Come on, let's go into the house, okay?

Jacub just nodded and followed her. The abandoned house had no doors (nor anything else, really), but it would serve as a good shelter from the rain.

The carnation that Elsa bought from the woman and the two suitcases were there; one of them was open and next to it lay fragments of a burst light bulb. The girl’s touch was still fatal… and regret showed on her face.

─So now you live here, huh? ─Jacub tried to cheer her up with some joke.

─Yes… ─she let out a laugh through her nose─. For an hour or so... Nice, huh?

─Not bad, no… Why are you barefoot? It's winter…

─Because I wanted to see what would happen to my touch if I entered the water.

─Did you want to see if you weren't really a jellyfish?

─Precisely ─Elsa joked─. I also walked a lot and since I can't even touch myself, it was the best way to get them to rest a bit. It's not that cold anyway. ─she shrugged.

─If you say so... ─Jacub continued.

A silence ensued and Jacub fixed his gaze on the girl’s. She diverted it promptly. Her arms hugged each other under her scarf; and to Jacub's mind came Matthieu's words. There was only one way to bring her back to them and if he didn't express it correctly, they would lose her.

He took a breath and said:

─Elsa, you must come back with us, please...

The young woman turned quickly, looking out to sea and shook her head.

─I can't...

─Why not? ─Jacub continued.

─Because I'm a freak, Jacub...

─We all are ─said Jacub, with some humour─. We are a circus...

─You are not like me, nor am I like you. You are not dangerous...

─Elsa, you know as well as I do that that is not true. Just a few hours ago Giusseppe hit Sergeant Chevalier – and the other day Matthieu wanted to buy explosives ─joked Jacub─. Can you imagine what...?

─Stop joking, please ─Elsa turned around, apologetic─. This is no joke, Jacub. I am not dangerous because of what I do, I am dangerous because of what I am.

Jacub wiped all smiles from his face.

─I know ─he said─. I won't pretend you're not because that would be an insult to you… But I don't really care.

─How can you not care about such a thing? ─Elsa gave a pitiful laugh.

Jacub let a second pass, their gazes fixed on the other.

─Because I love you ─he said.

Elsa gave another laugh of pain and covered her face, beginning to walk in circles.

─Don't say that, please ─she asked─. Don’t do it. It is very painful.

─But it's the truth ─Jacub insisted.

─I know it's true. I don't put that into question ─Elsa stopped─. And that's the worst, because I love you too ─she smiled briefly, before continuing, under a face that was breaking into tears─. But I don't want to hurt you... any of you, and I know I will because that's what I do... that's what I am... A fucking inexplicable creature that can't even get the arena off her feet without hurting herself!

In dealing with this, a spark had come from the touch of her hand with the tip of her foot and, desperate, she sank down onto the old bench, her face buried in the scarf that her hands held.

Jacub admired her in silence for two seconds, then kneeling before her.

─You say you don't want to hurt me or others ─he said─. But believe me, nothing would affect us or me, especially, more than seeing you leaving us… I love you, Elsa… and I don't want to live without you now that I've found you. That would be the most painful.

Elsa lifted her face between her hands, her hair tousled around her and her cheeks slightly glowing, as she fixed her gaze on Jacub's.

─But, Jacub ─she exclaimed─. Can you imagine how all this will end if I continue like this? If it gets worse? It won't end well, I know...

─Maybe not ─Jacub shrugged─. But it's also not a good idea to end your story with us because there was hardly a problem. I know you don't believe in happy endings, but then don't finish the story. Not yet. Stay with us... stay with me and I promise we will find a way to deal with whatever it is. Please.

Elsa let a few seconds pass in silence and sighed. The idea of being with them, of being with him, captivated her... but the uncertainty and fear did not leave her mind; and the pressure of her stab, made her convince herself that it was not a good idea.

─Jacub, I really don't think it's… ─she tried to say.

─Even how to wipe the arena off your feet ─Jacub interrupted her off, grabbing a pair of flannels and not knowing what else to say or do to dissuade her from her idea.

─No, no, Jacub, please… ─Elsa got nervous.

But with a flannel in each hand, Jacub took her left leg behind the knee with one and passed the other under the sole, cleaning it of much of the arena from the heel to the toes... and then repeating it with the other foot, while Elsa rested her nervous face on her hand.

─See? ─he said with a smile─. There is always a way, little lights...

Elsa admired him for an instant. Heat rose to her eyes and nose; and on her lips, a smile was drawn, moved by the detail and effort that the boy showed.

─I love you… ─she exclaimed.

─I love you too ─Jacub replied, then noticing something─. Wait a second ─he said─. You are no longer electrocuting yourself...

─Ah?

Jacub pointed to her face... to her hand touching her cheek without problem.

─Wait, it's true! ─Elsa realized this─. I can...! I can feel my touch! ─her hands ran over her face, arms, knees and even feet without any discomfort and then noticing something even more relevant as she brought her hands to her chest─. It has disappeared! The stinging! Jacub, the sting is gone!

─What? ─Jacub exclaimed, sharing her emotion.

─It’s gone, Jacub! ─she repeated─. It’s not there... I don't feel that pain anymore. How…?

─What do I know? It's your thing! ─Jacub laughed─. But are you still electrifying or...?

─No… I don't know… ─she replied in confusion.

She searched for a light bulb in her suitcase. She took out a small one and took it by its base. This time it lit up, but it didn't pop. Her joy turned to confusion.

─I am... ─she said.

─So I can't touch you without, you know, being electrocuted ─Jacub raised.

─I don’t think so, no... ─Elsa expressed doubt with some regret.

Jacub let a second pass, his gaze fixed on her. The excitement of their discussion and the various disturbing thoughts he had throughout the day lingered on him.

─Well, I guess there's only one way to be sure, little lights ─he sighed.

Elsa didn't have to ask what he meant. She knew it. And although her logic made her fear that it could be a bad idea, her emotion was not very different from Jacub's and she let him take the bulb from her hand and hold it with his… so that he could kiss her again. As they have seen several times through their experiments and actions, the girl's electricity was transmitted to the bulb... and it shone as their lips touched and pressed on each other's.

Not suffering any negative reaction from the kiss, they shared a smile and did not prevent themselves from repeating it a second, third, fourth time, with the light bulb not ceasing to shine at each touch... and shining even a little more when deciding to undress one to another, driven perhaps by the catharsis of the tension of that day and the previous ones or perhaps by their feeling... that of joy and love that she finally allowed herself to accept and feel, but that made the enigmatic jellyfish girl finally meet what was a hand running down her bare back... and kisses over her face, neck and chest.

Elsa laughed as she could finally feel this... and in her chest a great lightness that almost made her feel like she was floating reappeared. If this was due to feeling loved or happy, she did not know... But outside the rain was falling, accompanied by some thunder, and this made her remember that dream... and imagine herself again submerged in the sea, completely free of everything and not fearing the touch of nothing.

Was the act invented by Giusseppe right? Was she a creature that simply sought to be able to love and be loved? And now that she was, could she finally feel free from what was limiting her? She could not tell. None of it made sense, but neither did her own case... And neither did love. As much as it could be limited to a substance emitted by the brain, it was still illogical. What difference did it make if it was due to something scientifically explainable or something magical? Seeing that boy be able to wipe the sand of her feet without fear of her touch and declare that the most painful would see her go and not any other thing her condition could do, something had happened inside of her... and the sting was gone completely.

And it was while she was lying next to him, being able to feel his naked torso on hers, that an epiphany came to her... Everything that referred to that terrible and incessant stabbing in her chest, was not due to anything other than fear and rejection that she could have towards her own... and her own fear or denial of being able to feel loved and be happy...

After all, that annoyance had appeared after a night that was most lonely... it had worsened under the approaches of romance or love... and improved to the point of disappearing when she was completely well with everything around her... with her personal acceptance, with her relationship with Jacub, with her friendship with the circus... And it had become something completely fatal when she feared that it was threatened by change.

In the end, it was what she allowed or denied herself, what actually produced that sting in her chest… and that level of electricity in her touch.

And now that someone had told her that the worst thing, she could cause was nothing more than a life without her, she had managed to feel something more than a threat, a danger or a kind of strange attraction... She had managed to feel, well, loved...

─So ─Jacub said to her─, do you have any idea how this was possible?

─Not really ─Elsa replied─. But I don't care... What difference does it make? I'm happy right now… and we don't know how long that might last, so let's just enjoy it, alright?

─As you like, little lights ─Jacub smiled─. As you like...

They shared a kiss and wrapping her under his arm and with Elsa's face resting on his chest, they clung to each other, only letting the rain and the afternoon itself pass... at least until the moment they heard a series of steps abroad, then followed by various family voices asking each other if that would be the place.

─Are those…? ─Elsa asked.

─I think so... ─responded Jacub, just a moment before Clothilde and Matthieu appeared by the door.

They stopped in their tracks as soon as they saw the young, embarrassed couple... and an expression of surprise (and no small hint) appeared from the hostess and the knife thrower, who were followed by the others.

─Oh my, I think we found them, indeed! ─exclaimed Clothilde.

─Oh, well, well, well! ─Matthieu exclaimed, insinuating─. It seems that someone no longer has touch problems uh! Or was it an electrifying affair?

─Shut up, Matthieu ─they told him at the same time, but without managing to diminish his insinuation.

─Clothilde! How…!? ─Jacub asked, hurrying to dress with Elsa.

─A kind peasant told us that she had seen Miss Ludgate and then you come in this direction ─she replied─. Who knew that would be the right address!

Barry, Ann Marie, Tilda, Louis, and even Giusseppe appeared now.

─Oh my! ─Barry exclaimed.

─So this is what you have been doing while we were there finishing dismantling the circus and then fleeing from the Bordeaux gendarmes in the rain, ah ─Tilda claimed.

─What you want? It’s winter ─said Louis─. They had to warm up...

─Surely! ─Giusseppe joked now.

The resplendent Elsa could not do more than cover herself from the shameful and absurd situation she was in now. Of course, such a tense situation had to end that way... with them being discovered by their other companions at the moment when she finally felt an inner peace. However, this didn't bother her beyond that… or at all. She really enjoyed having fun with this group of people and even the most embarrassing things could be enjoyed to some extent.

─Where are my stockings? ─was the only thing Elsa could ask then.

─Are these here, Miss Ludgate? ─Barry took them from the window.

─Yes, yes, they are… thank you ─Elsa grabbed them and covered her face in sorrow.

─I see that you did try everything to convince her… ─Matthieu kept joking.

─I wonder if that's why there were lightning bolts ─suggested Ann Marie.

─You too? ─Jacub exclaimed.

Ann Marie shrugged in amusement.

─What really matters here ─Giusseppe replied─ is what has Elsa decided?

─You won't let us now, will you? ─Clothilde continued─. We have travelled quite a lot searching for you!

─I don't know if that much, really ─Matthieu said─. We are only a few hours away from Bordeaux...

─Shut up, Matthieu ─Tilda said now, hitting him with her elbow.

Like Clothilde and Giusseppe, the rest awaited Elsa's response.

After looking at them for a moment, Elsa lowered her gaze and shook her head. In her chest there was no longer any sting, no doubts in her mind... only the points of her hair on her cheeks.

─No ─she said─. I won’t leave you... Not anymore ─she looked at Jacub, taking his hand.

The group celebrated, congratulating Elsa on her decision.

─Good! ─exclaimed Clothilde─. Because there has been a whole brawl after Giusseppe hit Chevalier and we must go as soon as possible...

─Did you really do that? ─Elsa looked surprised at Giusseppe.

─Someone messes with my family, they pay for it ─he replied, shrugging.

The others laughed and Clothilde continued:

─Come on then! Let's go to Bergerac! You will love it; you’ll see!

No more to say or comment on either side, except for a small electric shock that she dared to give Matthieu to silence him from his insinuating comments – and to which he protested:

─Come on! I was the one who told Jacub what to say!

Elsa followed her companions towards the circus truck (the same one with which they arrived at the place) and returned with them to the train, finally convinced not only that she was one of them, but that that had been the correct decision and that this it was her place.

Of course, doubts and insecurities both personal and about the future would not be lacking in her... but this time, perhaps the first one, she felt that being in that company... with the love of Jacub, the support of Clothilde and Barry, the grace of Matthieu, Tilda or Ann Marie, the empathy and good humour in general of Louis, Raoul or Wally, and the wisdom and diligence of Giusseppe Vaccaretti, she had a way of dealing with those concerns that all people, with electric touch or not, affect occasionally.

She finally felt she belonged to a place, to a society, no matter how small, where she could feel useful, where she could love and be loved... and where she would fear less for the nature of her person, of which she would never have all the answers, but without this being important to her beyond being what served her act.

Elsa had managed to accept the nature of her being... that of a jellyfish girl.