Chapter Twenty Five

Nakasuot ng simpleng T-shirt at pantalon si Kith. Sa PPB ang punta niya. Noon lamang siya nakalabas ng bahay. Sa wakas ay naglakas loob na rin siyang lumabas at dahil na rin ay gusto niyang makita si Theron. Pasado alas diyes na ng umaga. Alam niyang nasa PPB na si Theron dahil ayon kay Noam responsible raw ito pagdati sa oras nito sa company.

Dahan-dahan at tahimik na minamaneho niya ang kaniyang sasakyan. Bagong bili ‘yon. Dahil ang kotse niya ay iniwan niya noon kay Theron at hindi niya alam kung ginamit ‘yon ng huli. Umaasa siya na sana gamitin ‘yon ni Theron.

Marami siyang iniisip habang minamaneho ang sasakyan. Kumakanta-kanta pa siya ng biyahe ni J Roa. Ang gaan-gaan ng pakiramdam niya. Pati ang puso niya ay tumalon at sumasayaw sa tuwa. Sinabayan niya ang kanta and he feels enraptured. He’s damn happy.

Bigla niyang naalala ang liham na kasabay ng presenta ni Theron. Lalong nagbibigay ‘yon ng tuwa sa kaniya. Pero ng papalapit na siya sa PPB ay lumakas at bumilis ang tibok ng kaniyang puso. He exhale five times before he got out of his car. He feels diffident and he walked timorously inside the company.

Ngiti lang ang naging sagot niya sa mga trabahanteng bumabati sa kaniya. May ilang employee ang nataranta sa bigla niyang pagsulpot sa company. Noon lamang siya muling pumunta roon pagakalipas ng halos limang linggo. Ang bilin niya ay si Noam muna ang samantalang mag-manage sa company dahil magbabakasyon siya. Pero hindi alam ng mga ito o kahit pa ang sekretarya niya that he and Theron were working under his offer. He chose not to disclose it kahit pa kay Yesha o sinumang pinsan niya. It’s his private life.

He thought of Orville Palmer bonus ‘yon kung bakit siya pumunta ng Company dahil gusto niyang kausapin si Palmer. Pero nitong nagdaang linggo ay wala pa siyang natanggap na salita mula kay Yesha.

Mabilis ang kaniyang paglalakad patungo sa elevator but he suddenly stops. His heart beating faster and faster. His eyes were about to fill and its corner warmth. Sa bawat pagtibok ng kaniyang puso ay nagdudulot ng sakit sa kaniya. Hindi siya makapaniwala sa nakita niya. Si Theron at si Syd. Kitang-kita niya na inakbayan ni Theron si Syd habang pumasok sa elevator.

He was freezing to death and he cannot even take a step. Hindi niya kayang ituloy ang paglalakad. Hindi niya kayang sumabay sa dalawa. How Theron would explain the whole fuck things to him? May bagay ba siyang hindi naiitindihan? May bagay ba siyang kailangang malaman sa kay Theron at Syd? Are their paths cross again? Siya man ay naguguluhan sa mga tanong na ‘yon sa kaniyang isipan.

Bago sumara ang elevator ay tumama ang kanilang paningin ni Theron. Kitang-kita niya ang buong mukha nito. Mukhang masaya ang huli. Pakiramdam ni Kith ay nahuhulog ang puso niya and it was throbbing while it slide through his skin down to the floor. It was painfully throbbing. Nagsisi-unang pumatak ang kaniyang mga luha. Ang sakit-sakit ng pakiramdam niya.

Mabigat ang hakbang niyang tinungo ang comfort room. Matamang niyang minamasdan ang hitsura niya sa salamin at umiiyak. Hindi niya naiintindihan ang bagay na ‘yon. Bakit nga ba magkasama si Theron at si Syd. Gusto niyang mawala. He wanted to become dust in the air and vanish.

Nang muli siyang tumingin sa salamin ay iniba niya ang kaniyang ekspresyon. He clenched his teeth and due to the hatred and profound repugnant in his chest, he punched the mirror. Blood spurts everywhere, in the sink, in his white T-shirt, in his face, it was from the big and small cuts on his fist. And there’s still part of the mirror hanging he punched it again with his other fist he doesn’t want to see his reflection. An amount of blood from his two fists spurts on the floor.

Kith found himself sitting on the floor. As moments pass he kept looking at his bloody wrist the blood on his shirt, on the sink, and on the floor. Dahan-dahan siyang tumayo at sapo niya ang kaniyang ulo. He felt dizzy and nauseous. He saw nothing but white light. When the door opened he look and gave a wan smile at the guy who was entering the bathroom.

NANG nagmulat siya ng mga mata ay nakita niya ang sarili niya na nasa kaniyang kama at silid. Hindi niya alam kung paano siya nakauwi ang tanging naalala niya ay nawalan siya ng malay due to the amount of blood he lost. Hiling niya ay sana ay namatay na lamang siya. He glanced at his wrists it’s covered by a semi-occlusive bandage. Natandaan din niya na may lalaking pumasok sa banyo. ‘Yon marahil ang nakakita sa kaniya at nagpagamot sa kaniya.

Nagpakawala siya ng isang malalim na buntong hininga. Masakit pa rin ang mga kamao niya. Mahapdi ‘yon. Pero hindi niya ininda ang sakit at tumayo siya’t lumabas ng silid niya. Bumaba siya ng hagdan. Wala siyang nadatnang katulong sa sala pati sa kusina. Hindi niya alam kung nasaan ang mga ito. Napanganga siya ng napatingin siya sa malaking orasan at pasado alas nuwebe na ng gabi. Huminga siya ng malalim at kumuha ng brandy sa loob ng ref at bumalik sa kaniyang silid.

He celebrates the new failures and vitriolic attacks on his innocent feelings. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam niya. Pakiramdam niya ay pasan niya ang daigdig sa kaniyang balikat o parang sabay-sabay siyang binagsakan ng lupa at langit. He feels lost, fragile, shattered and for hundred fucking times he’s broken into a million pieces.

What is left to him? Nothing, absolutely nothing, he was being fooled. He was lost in the game. He doesn’t want to play anymore. Itinungga niya ang basong puno ng brandy. He doesn’t feel the bitterness of the liquor parang tubig lamang ‘yon sa kaniya.

His sighed labeled with pain. He was totally tired and only people who fit themselves in his shoes can understand him. He wished again that if he woke up one day his feelings for Theron will completely lost.

Umaasa siyang hindi na mauulit ‘yon. The feelings of being defeated and abandoned will never happen again. He raised the shot glass and he shit gulped in it. He was feeling shit sitting there in his room alone. Alone? It was his heart that expected Theron to listen, to be with him, to fix his broken heart. But Theron never appeared. His heart even decided to give up. And he’s easily forgotten by the man he helped, by the man he loves the most.

Napailing siya sa sarili niya. Hindi lahat ng taong mahalin natin ay mahal tayo. Hindi lahat ng nandiyan ay para sayo. He learns a lot of things. Theron never realized that Kith loves him completely, Kith loves Theron’s voice, he loves everything about Theron and still Theron doesn’t know how to love him back. Siguro nga ay mahirap siyang mahalin.

“I’m not sad. I’m just okay” He said gulping in his shot glass. Why is it difficult to say ‘It’s okay’ in front of everyone? He wishes that he could be like Theron. Who is not feeling sad when he lost someone and when he hurt someone. Bakit ang rurupok niya, bakit madali siyang nasasaktan. Bakit hindi siya katulad ni Theron?

“I don’t want to love you anymore….” How many times has he said that? But this time he wanted to happen it for real. He threw himself in the bed. “I finally say ‘I’ve never known anyone like you,” He said and close his eyes.