Chapter 40--Fear

Ryan's hands heft me up and place me on a windowsill, parting my legs so he can settle between them.

I have no problem with that. Neither do I have a problem with his hands that rise dangerously high in my gown, tracing slow lines toward my sex.

I bite down on his lower lip and he chuckles, before letting his tongue slip into my mouth. A moan slips my mouth as his hands on my thigh rise higher and higher, until my dress is bunched up around my waist. I would be worried that we might be found if I were able to think properly. That too and the fact that I had stopped running when I reached here because it is the only part of this manor that doesn't have people lingering about it.

Ryan's lips leave mine and I feel his lips a heartbeat later on my neck, nipping, caressing, licking. My folds tighten at the overwhelming sensation that is heightened with the fact that his fingers have found the lacing of my pants.

He groans, jutting his groin forward and I marvel at the hardness I find, pushing against the v of my heat.

"Ryan," I start to say but a sharp breath escapes me when I feel his lips on the swell of my breasts. He tugs down the fabric, exposing my breasts to the soft caress of the wind. He palms one and flicks his thumb over the hardened crest, causing my entire being to shiver with need.

My hands reach for the buckle of his trousers and I start to pull at it earnestly. I want more. I might lose it if I don't get him in me, right now. Ryan grabs my hand and places it behind my back. He pulls back and my back arches in response. His bright eyes lower to my chest and his eyes darken. His head lowers and I jerk when his tongue drags over my nipple lazily.

"More," I plead, raising my chest for more access.

He stops abruptly, pulling away from me and leaving me cold.

I feel the sudden urge to cover my chest and cower, but I don't. I stay on the window, bare chested, and I ask, "What is it?"

He runs his fingers through his hair and catches himself when his eyes drop to my chest again. He groans and lifts my silky dress up, covering me up. "I want more than just a kiss from you, Amber," he says, tugging the fabric higher, though I have a feeling he is pretending to fix my dress just so he can avoid meeting my gaze. "I want more than stolen moments with you. What are the odds that I take you back to the hotel, we have sex and things just go back to being the way they are? I want you and I have been intentional about it since the day we met, but I do not see myself going back to being strangers after being with the woman I'm in love with in that sense. I'd much rather avoid it than go ahead."

I bite on my bottom lip, disappointed. Disoriented. "I want you," I blurt and Ryan laughs, shaking his head.

"Don't do that, Amber. It's completely fine. You do not have to mind hurting my—"

I cradle his face in my hands, forcing him to look into my eyes. His eyes search mine for answers that I am willing to give today, unlike every other day. "I want you, Ryan, but I need you to be patient with me. It's been hard. I've been alone for a while and I'm not sure how to let someone... love me anymore. I wish to be intentional about what I feel, but I do not know how to. I want more with you, but it doesn't change the fact that you deserving someone who isn't as broken and messed up as I am."

That is the most I have said to anyone for a long, long time, and I mean every word. Taking care of Ash, I dedicated every hour of my time to him and to earn so we don't get thrown out of our apartment.

I haven't looked at any other men. Or gone on dates. Ryan coming back into my life was unexpected and it has knocked me off balance in more ways than possible. I'm willing to try. For Ash, and for me.

Because I know deep, deep down, I have fallen in love with this man.

And it scares me.

The fullness in my chest whenever I look at him. Stealing glances at him whenever he is near and stopping myself from caressing him every time. I have loved before, and I have been hurt. It has grown harder now, to express what I truly feel. To tell him that my heart yearns for him and my body aches for his delicious touch.

What if he hurts me like his brother did? What if he is doing all of this because of Ash? What if his parents never approve of our relationship?

These questions scare me. But right now I don't care.