Chapter 39--The Proposal

*Amber*

Ryan stands across from me, watching me vent out my frustration the only way I know how to at the moment. In his eyes, there is fear and remorse.

I can almost read the thoughts that glare back at me from behind those bejeweled eyes. He thinks I'm going to leave again. It is no doubt the only reason why he was searching.

Or maybe to apologize for setting me up here, in a place where I am utterly alone, vulnerable, and out of my element.

I raise my left hand, waving my fingers in his face, so he sees the ring he deceived me into putting on this morning. "What is this? A farce? Why would you do something like that to me without even asking me?"

His jaw clenches and his eyes gutter. "I had no choice. You wouldn't have said yes if I asked you to marry me."

I want to retort with the most popular comeback in the books —*You don't know that* — but I don't.

He is right. I'd probably have panicked. And run.

That still doesn't make any of this right.

"You should have spoken to me first. You made me walk in here, looking like a complete idiot. Now what?" I say, slapping my hand against my other forearm. "What does this even mean? We're getting married?"

"Not if you don't want to."

"Well, I don't want to. I'm not ready for this. Any of this. I can barely grasp what is happening in my life. I do not need this wave to wash off the little I have left, the little I have figured out. And your father seems to think so too."

He sighs, taking a step forward. "What father thinks doesn't matter." He pauses when he reaches where I lean against the wall. "And I understand if you do not want to go through with this. I am sorry I didn't mention it to you first. I had no time to call a raincheck on my plans. Had I not done that, he would have found me a woman and gotten me engaged tonight."

I take a step back, scoffing angrily. I start to take the ring off but Ryan's fingers suddenly capture mine and he pulls me into him. "Though, it might have come to me in a spur of a moment, I meant it."

His words are like jellies, melting to my very core and setting my skin on fire. It feels so good to have his arms wrapped around me.

I push back against him. "I don't care."

His lips curve into a rueful smile and I hate the way my breath catches at the sight of his lips, so close to my face. If he leaned in right now, he would probably hear my heart slamming viciously into my chest. "But you do."

My fingers curl in his shirt, and though I want to push him off me, I realize I want to kiss him too.

I swallow, ringing bells in my head, screaming one word to myself— to the woman who seems to have been reduced to nothing but the feel of Ryan's breath tickling the tip of her nose.

"I really am sorry," he starts again, holding my gaze with his stark one, baring himself open for me to see him and through him. "Your safety matters more to me than anything else. I had no choice. It was either that or begin the squabble of who is going to keep Ash and who's gonna sue who. None of which the options are safe for you. I keep Ash, you never get to see him again. You keep Ash and they will do whatever they can to ensure they get custody. Marrying you was the only way I could think of, to avoid all of that."

My eyes search his and I see the truth in his words. I believe him, but it doesn't change a thing.

"I'm not ready--"

Ryan's arm tightens around me. "Whenever you're ready, we'll get married."

"I don't think I ever will be," I whisper.

Ryan smiles sadly. "And that is fine too. I am content with whatever part of you I get to keep. Even if it is only Ash." He pauses and his eyes brighten a fraction. "I love you."

The air I breathe in gets stuck in my throat, as do my words. Love. He loves me. My tongue feels heavy in my mouth. I think of what to say but come up with nothing.

Am I insanely attracted to Ryan? Yes. From the first day we met.

Do I love him? Am I allowed to love again? Can I love again? Can I let myself truly feel the depth of all of my emotions when it comes to Ryan?

I already know the answers to those questions. Ryan does too, because rather than let me speak the words, he leans in and kisses me fiercely.