Chapter 44 44
His lips were on her hair as he murmured another apology and eventually Stefan stopped trying to reason with words and just soothed with shushing sounds and gentle strokes down her back. Rocking her and listening and being supportive as best he could. Forcing his own lust down, just cradling her like the sad friend she was. She needed arms and ears more than passionate aerobics. She was in no state for it and he didn’t want to confuse things or annoy her more.
He wanted to know all her secrets, her fears and sense of loss. And then he wanted to fix it somehow, but how could he, when he was the one who'd hurt her now? His heart filled to bursting as he felt the break in hers. He wanted her and Juliana to be his family. A real kind of family that was there through thick and thin—those people who made mistakes with each other but who forgave regardless.
After a long while he moved. She’d cried herself to sleep and his arms were beyond aching and right on into numb, but he didn’t care. Didn’t want to give up the burden of her. He laid her down and began to loosen her clothing.
A single key fell out her hand and Stefan picked it up, stared at it in confusion for a few seconds before placing it on the bedside table. Then he shrugged out of his shirt. Slipping between the soft sheets, he pulled her towards him, curling around her, listening to her jagged breathing and the occasional hiccup.
Hours later he still couldn’t sleep, lay with his head propped on his hand watching her face in the dim room. Her cheeks were pale, a bit blotchy, tear-stained and tired. He bit the inside of his cheek, feeling a strange stinging at the back of his own eyes. He clamped his teeth together then. She made him weak. But somehow she made him strong too. He needed the morning to come. Needed to be able to talk to her when she was calm and rested.
The only problem being that he was far from calm, and found any kind of rest impossible.
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He eventually fell into a troubled sleep, but woke very early in the morning when Juliana started to cry.
Alana started to rise, but he gently pulled her back into the bed. “I'll handle it,” he said softly.
She looked surprised to see him in bed with her, but she must have been really exhausted because she did as she was told and settled back onto the pillows while Stefan went to pick up Juliana.
“Her princess” he cooed, “Why so grumpy this morning?”
By the time Alana woke up, Juliana was smiling again, fed, and bathed. Stefan felt very proud of himself. He was starting to get a hang of this daddy thing. If only he didn't suck at being hubby.
“Good morning,” Alana said as she entered the kitchen. She'd showered. Her hair was piled up on top of her head in a messy bun and she was now wearing a short sleeved muuumuu dress that covered her almost down to her toes.
God, she was sexy, Stefan thought, but he couldn't help noticing that her bare face and eyes were a little swollen from her sobbing the previous night. He hated that he'd been the cause of that.
“Good morning, Alana,” he replied, noticing immediately that she refused to meet his eyes or even look at him. “I hope you don't mind that I spent the night. After you slept, I decided to stay for a while but I guess I was exhausted too because I fell asleep,”
“It's alright,” she replied, still not looking at him. She bent to lift Juliana out of her chair, focusing all her attention on her daughter. She hugged her gently, then sniffed and kissed her.
He wanted to be a part of that attention and that hug, Stefan thought as he watched them. If they were married he'd be able to. He'd stand up and put his arms around them, then he could make them breakfast and after they'd eaten and Juliana was napping, he could take her back to bed and strip off that dress and make love to her, pleasure her until she begged him to stop.
He was pretty sure she wore nothing underneath that dress. All he'd have to do was lift it, slip his hands between legs and his fingers would find —
No.
Bad time to be thinking in that direction, he cautioned himself. Gosh, how could one dress make him feel this way? Although he knew it wasn't about the dress but the person wearing it.
“Would you like something for breakfast?” he asked her, hoping she'd at least look at him. Give him something, “I could make you some toast and…”
She shook her head, still not looking at him, “No. No need. I'm not hungry,” she reached into the pocket of her dress and withdrew something and placed it on the table, “You should have that,” she added.
Stefan stared at it. It was the key he'd found in her hand last night, “Why? What for?”
She kissed Juliana's forehead and played with her hands, “Well, if you are going to be moving in you're going to need a key to the house,”
Really? Stefan almost couldn't believe his ears. Did she really want him to stay? He was so happy about it, but he needed her to look at him. He needed her to look him in the eyes and tell him that she wanted him there with her. This was her house after all, and if she wasn't really comfortable with it then he wouldn't stay.
“Alana…”
“Yes,” she replied, but she still wouldn't look at him.
“Look at me, Alana,”
She did then. “What?”
Her eyes looked sad. Was it about yesterday or was she sad about him moving in?
“Why are you giving me this?”
She shrugged, “You asked for it. You said you wanted to live here with us, so here you go,”
“And is that the only reason? Because I asked?” he didn't even know why he was pushing things.
There was a moment of silence, “Yes,” Alana replied truthfully, and his heart sank a little but then she added, “But I think it'd be good if you did. For Juliana. It'd be easier on us both to take care of her, plus you're so good with her and she's pretty used to you now. I think she'd appreciate having you around more often…”