Chapter 43 43
A leaded feeling coated her heart just then. "And she's the reason you're still here." Alana added.
Stefan's features darkened. "Not true."
"And how would I ever know that for certain?"
"You won't. You just have to trust me."
She scoffed and pulled free. Stefan felt helpless, watching her close the door again and secret away the key just when he'd managed to find the lock.
"I think your being around all the time is just making this harder on both of us, Stefan."
"Maybe you're right."
She looked up, still as glass. His gaze locked with hers for a moment, then he stood and headed to the door.
She rose and rounded the back of the couch. "Where are you going?"
At the door he stopped, his hand on the knob, his gaze clinging there. "I don't know." He looked at her, wanting a magic wand to make things perfect and realizing they never would be. "All I know right now is that I want you in my life like there will be no tomorrow. I care about you and I love my daughter. I'm sorry it's not enough. I was just trying to make things right for our baby."
"Stefan."
"I'll see you later." He stepped out and closed the door.
Alana stared at the door, a knot working up her throat as she sank slowly into the nearest chair, stunned. What have I done? she thought. What now?
Outside the door Stefan stopped, wanting badly to turn around and walk back inside. To take Alana into his arms and kiss her until she couldn't argue with him anymore. He left the porch and climbed into his car, driving toward his sister's place because he needed to talk to someone.
Every mile he put between him and Alana didn't help. But she did have a point. She was the mother of his child and nothing would change that. And Stefan had to ask himself if that was all he wanted from Alana. Their names on a license? What did it mean, in the long run, to marry her for the sake of a name? To keep old women like the one in the park quiet?
He pulled into Emily's driveway and shut off the engine, sighing back into the seat. When had he thought of marriage as just names? When had it come down to that between him and Alana?
He slammed out of the car, marching to the door and using the key Emily had given him, threw it open. No one was home. Inside it was dark, and the loneliness that he'd lived with for years screamed back at him.
He would give up anything for his daughter. He had given up his job and he didn't regret it one bit. Yes, it had something to do with Alana too, but another truth was that after he found out about Juliana, the thought of returning or getting a call that would take him away from her made his stomach clench. Up until he found out about his daughter he hadn't been afraid of dying. Now he was.
Because Juliana needed him. Alana didn't. She'd proved she could handle anything on her own. It also meant that if he'd left, she could have handled it all. He snorted to himself. Yeah, you act like you matter, he thought.
If they married, she'd be his wife, and she'd also have a ring on her finger that would keep her from finding someone she could truly love. Oh, God, he thought, dropping his head back against the closed door.
The idea gouged his heart. Deeply. Was he asking too much of Alana to sacrifice her chances for his need to give his daughter his name?
__________
He came back to Alana's place hours later.
Alana had just fed Juliana and put her to bed. She didn't say a word to him when she opened the door and saw him standing there. She was probably still furious with him, Stefan thought.
He stepped inside and she waited as he closed it. As he turned back to her she put her arms around his neck. Not wanting to talk, just wanting to forget and to feel. “Kiss me.” She said,
Stefan was stunned for a second. “What? No.” He didn’t move. There was sadness in her eyes, he observed, but she didn't look like she'd been crying… Even though she looked like she might start any minute.
Her fingers threaded into his hair and she pressed down hard, wanting to bring his head closer to hers.
His hands gripped her wrists, and he removed her arms, pinning them to her sides. “No, Alana. We need to talk,”
She leaned forward, sinuously pressing her breasts and pelvis against his body. “Kiss me, Stefan.”
He stepped back, hands sliding up to her upper arms, forcing her to stand alone. “No.”
No.
She heard him then.
No. No. No.
She was blind to everything but that denial; her tears splashed on her arm—on his hand. Oh, God, he was rejecting her right now when she needed him most. Right when he'd basically told her that he didn't love her and yet she was ready to give in and accept anything from him—no matter how little. Now he was taking it all away.
She wrenched away from him. Walking away fast. Running.
“Alana!” he called.
She curled her fingers round the key that she held; the one she'd decided to give to him right before he showed up—gripping it so tightly her skin was almost pierced by its jagged edge.
He caught up with her and grabbed her. “Stop, please Alana,”
His voice was rough but his hands were gentle as he slid one under her thighs, the other behind her back. He lifted her and began to walk towards her bedroom.
Her fist clenched on his chest. She could feel his heart pounding. “I hate you,” she choked, knowing she was lying and felt the complete opposite towards him.
“I’m sorry.” He held her close as they entered her room, then he kicked the door and closed it behind him. Five strides later he was on her bed and sitting on it; his grip loosened a little then but she didn’t have the energy to pull up and away.