I Am Home
"My female." Deimos calls out to me.
Though I cannot see, I hear his voice. Though I cannot see, I feel his warmth. "Come." He says. "Come to me, Lumina." A smile graces my lips as my heart swims in his ocean. If this is a dream I don't wish to wake up. I wish to stay here and keep listening to his voice.
I feel as though I am lost in a vast land, searching for him. Only following his voice to find where he resides. The green grass reminds me of his eyes that sparkle like a jewel in the sunlight. It's a beautiful place with no wolf but he and I. I search frantically trying to reach him until a silhouette comes into view.
Patiently, I wait for the male to turn, I wait for him. The silhouette startles as he senses me and he slowly turns to look at me. My eyes widen as my body trembles. A soft smile graces his lips, his eyes gentle. I stand still not moving an inch from the spot dragging my eyes over his body.
He slowly opens his arms for me to run into and without hesitation, I run. Lifting my white dress off the ground, my bare feet strikes deep into the mud. He waits for me to stumble into him, my hands extended in front of me.
Just a little more. Just one touch, please! But before my finger could even graze him he distorts and disappears into thin air like pieces of torn paper and I fall to the ground. I look around aimlessly and a laugh leaves my lips, knowing the truth I must accept.
Either he is dead or I am.
I lie back onto the grass floor. Looking at the blue sky I find no thoughts provoke me. I feel peaceful. Perhaps I have finally reached my destination, this must be the end of my fight. The end of me. Placing my palms beneath my head for support I close my eyes slowly.
I might be going crazy at the moment that I am quiet and relaxed when I am supposed to be in fear and anxiety of this unknown situation but this is how it is and I-
"Has she still not awaken?" I hear Guaritrice's voice and I get up quickly looking around only to find eerie emptiness.
"No. I guess we need to try again." Elriam says and I turn quickly running in circles finding the source of their voices.
"Yes I agree, let's try again." Ragon replies from another side. Their voices boom all around me making it difficult to look for them. I don't understand, are we all here together? Now the fear finally hits me. The sky releases a sudden boom of thunder and I scream covering my ears. It's too loud... too loud to be a simple thunder.
The blue sky darkens to a pitch-black and the clouds release their tears as rain pounds the earth. Lightning strikes the tree next to me and I startle watching it go up in flames. The thunder keeps striking and the rain falling upon my skin burns me.
I search frantically for shelter but I find none. The field becomes smaller and smaller encaging me in a circle leaving me no way to run. I am surrounded by darkness as my heart pounds with fear. My nails itch my skin heavily trying to soothe the burn but makes it bleed.
I look up at the sky in fear of the lightening but the second I do it directly strikes my body flinging me back as a loud screech leaves my lips. A black hole opens wide ready to swallow me as I try to grab onto something along the way. But this place's power is more than mine to win over. I am thrown into the hole and I fall aimlessly, my hands failing.
My body seems light as I sink deeper. The cold breeze carries me downward and I know I am close to the end. I shut my eyes in fear of hitting the ground soon. The impact will be painful. My body hits the ground hard however I feel no pain as if I am lying upon a soft bed. A sudden jolt pulses through my body like an electric shock and my heart pumps again.
My eyes flutter open slowly but my view is blurry as my dry eyes begin to adjust. I find four silhouettes' in front of me and hear their voices all mingled together. One of them turns towards me and quickly walks to my side.
"Look who is finally awake." Elriam says.
"She probably cannot see us. Bring me that." I hear the voice of the healer. A few seconds pass and my eyelids are pulled back whilst droplets of something cold eases over my sclera. My eyelids are pressed close and massaged softly in circles.
"Open your eyes, slowly." The healer says and I pay heed to her words.
The blurriness has disappeared and I see every wolf clearly. I am pulled up into a sitting position. "Oh thank Goddess." Elriam brings me into her arms. Her nose stuffed into the side of my neck taking in my scent. Ragon stands behind her hands crossed behind his back watching quietly.
I let the wolves perform several check-ups on me as they make me read and speak what is written on a board. I don't speak another word as I swim in depression. I look around the white room and smell the familiar disinfectant.
I am back, aren't I? To a world where my male still sleeps.
Elriam hands me a cold glass filled with a bitter drink but I still gulp it all down with no expression or protest. "How many days?" That is all I ask her.
"Five." She replies. "You could have woken up earlier. But your body did not respond." She continues.
I stare at her blankly as the memory of the field takes over my thoughts. "Is that so." I say. She sits on the bed slowly looking into my eyes.
"Did you not wish to wake up?" She questions me a look of fear encaged in her eyes. Silence envelopes us and as we stare at each other. Her body trembles as she prepares herself for my answer.
I finally look away giving her my answer quickly. "No." I say and a soft cry leaves his lips. Her fists clench the sheet of the bed and she gets up and walks out of the room without another word as my eyes follow her.
I have hurt her. A stab hits my heart as I look down playing with my fingers. A confused Ragon enters the room watching Elriam leave in a hurry. "I-Is everything all right?" He questions and I shake my head in disapproval.
"Nothing seems to be all right these days." I reply softly.
"Why?" He questions and I frown.
"Why what?" I ask.
"Why aren't you asking about him?" He says and I smile. Not a happy one but a smile that hides pain and fear.
"I am not ready. This here keeps showing me a lot of images I don't wish to see anymore. I remember what happened to him before I passed out so I pretty much know the result." I reply jabbing a finger to the side of my forehead.
"Luna Lumina, he-" Ragon begins, his voice slow and gentle to deliver the bad news and I cut him off, my palm raised facing him.
"Not another word!" I command harshly as he startles and bows. "Has Giovanni returned?" I question and Ragon quickly nods.
"Take me to him." Tearing the drip off my flesh I walk head held high as Ragon leads me to him.
The healer stands in our path. "You need to rest and I need to treat your mark." She says as I tilt my head at the scrawny old female. Who does she think she is to order me around? Give them a little authority and they think they are above you. I try to walk around her and she blocks my path again.
Bending down to her level so she can meet my eyes I lean towards her as she leans back with a gulp. "Block my path again and I will end you. Do you understand me?" I smile. She nods and Ragon allows a chuckle to leave his lips.
"Luna will come visit after meeting Alpha Giovanni. Giver her some time, Guaritrice." He says.
Not wishing to stay another second in the damn clinic, I stride along the hallway quickly. Ragon rushes forward and opens the main door of the clinic. My eyes find just another regular day playing out in front of me.
Females chattering in groups, pups playing around, warriors training. As soon as their eyes find me everything comes to a stop and they all rush towards me leaving all aside. Some stare at me with a soft smile, eyes filled with joy others with tears.
Immediately after every wolf is near me, the pack bows deep in unison. This was their thank you for protecting their pack with my life and my male's. For being there when their Alpha had to leave whilst having a dying mate. I feel all of their feelings as though they were mine.
Pups bring me flowers and I kneel taking each one, ruffling their hair as they giggle and run back to their family. Then the females come standing around me in a circle enveloping me in their warmth.
The oldest comes to me first, she places her palms over my cheeks and brings me down to place her forehead over mine. I startle, my eyes widening. "We heard this is how you welcome someone as your own at your pack." She says softly.
I watch quietly stunned by their actions. "It must have been so hard to remain strong but you did it for us. For a pack that wasn't yours to care for. You and your male have provided and fought for us. So we shall do the same for you." She says, her eyes gentle. My eyes blur with tears and my lips wobble to her words.
"Siamo tuoi come tu sei nostro. Siamo uno e diamo il benvenuto nelle nostre anime." She screams loudly as the other females follow her in unison. "This is how we welcome a wolf as ours." She says.
After that, every female placed her forehead over mine whispering the same words to me mixing both our traditions. I sob uncontrollably allowing each of them to comfort me in their ways. They had made me one of them.
After a while, as things settle Giovanni finally comes from the shadows of a tree to greet me as the males do not take part in this tradition. "Luna." He bows as I smile.
"How have you been?" I ask him and he chuckles.
"I should be asking that to you, no?" He questions. "I have a gift for you." He says and I frown in confusion.
"A gift?" I ask him and he nods a smirk playing across his lips.
"It is what you requested. They are locked under, would you like to play?" He asks me and my eyes light up. For the first time excitement floods in my system.
"Take me to them." I say and with a curt nod, he guides me to a private location as we head down dark steep stairs, where the only light was coming from the fire torches attached along the way. The howling of wolves and the clanking of chains booms across the walls and I find delight in the sounds. It thrills me from inside.
"I shall leave you to it." Giovanni says dropping the keys in my palm and goes to stand far behind leaning on a wall hands folded across his chest, watching quietly.
I turn around to face the three rogues growling inside the three separate silver cages. "Hello there." I say to them softly as if I am comforting them. Easing their fears.
One of the rogues' snarls and bombards straight into rods of the cage. The silver burns her flesh but she pays no heed to it. She takes my attention as she attacked first out of the three. I can smell her fear but I cannot see it for she hides well. Kneeling on the ground I look deep into her eyes.
"Are you scared? Don't be. I am not here to harm you." I say, my tone gentle. Just watch you die, I think to myself. The other two males snarl and growl fangs out to tear into flesh whilst looking from me to her. They are nervous and they are trying to distract me, to grab my attention from her to them.
I see. She's important to their pack. She will be my first then, I want them to suffer. I want her blood. "You three are the last left of the shit I need to clean up. I have been waiting patiently. Isn't it respectful to always give back what you are given?" I question.
I distract her with my talk and with no hesitation I plunge the hidden knife swiftly straight into her stomach through the silver rods and twist tearing open her stomach as she screams in pain, blood and pooling down coloring the floor with red along with sliced pieces of flesh.
She shouldn't have come too close to me for I shall take it as an opportunity. She underestimated me for she thought I would fight her first, that's where she was wrong. I only came for one reason... a direct kill.
"The knife I used was the one you specifically made to eliminate my male. How does it feel to die from something you forged?" I ask. She begins to crawl and stumble backward as I finally open her cage.
The other two whimper feeling her pain whilst one looks away from the revolting sight. The flesh of her stomach is torn open and a gaping hole lies with the open sight of her intestines. Funny, she cannot even put pressure on her wound now.
I straddle her and she begins to fight me with every ounce of energy she's got and I laugh loudly. Her hands hold onto my wrists trying to throw the knife away from my grasp. Does she not see her death lies in the palm of my hands, I don't need the knife.
The weak female tries to land a punch and I let her, the punch rather feels like a soft pat. Blood gushes more and more. She must be hallucinating by now. Lifting the knife high into the air, I scream to the other two. "Watch!" As soon as I feel their eyes on me I strike it deep into her heart.
One of the male releases a loud howl of pain head raised into the air whilst the other brings his wolf forth snarling banging his body upon the silver rods, watching me with utmost hate.
My clothes are drenched with her blood, droplets splattered on my face and I lick the remaining off the knife satisfying the thirst of my wolf. "I will not kill you two. You will watch her body rot with maggots eating her remains and you will not be able to do anything. Exactly how you made me feel with my male."
Getting up I wipe her blood over my pants and look straight at the males. "It's good that this ends here for if you had escaped and continued your generation. I would have killed every last one of you." I say my tone strong and fierce.
With that, I leave them not looking back at all. I will see them again once I have buried my male. Giovanni doesn't speak a word and neither do I. My mind swims in peace and I take a deep breath of fresh air. Elriam waits with a towel and I stop in my tracks. She doesn't meet my eyes.
"I will see you tomorrow, Giovanni." I tell him and walk to my upset beta.
Taking the drenched cold towel softly from her hands I wipe my face, neck, and hands keeping my eyes on her. "I am sorry." I say and she snaps her head to look at me. "I don't know how to explain why I didn't wish to wake up but you knew."
"Knew what, Alpha?" She asks, tone filled with hidden anger.
"That I was drowning." I reply looking away and she walks to me grasping my face in her hands placing her forehead upon mine.
"What you didn't notice was that we were all drowning with you." She whispers as she brings me into a warm hug. I clutch onto her back coat snuggling into her scent as it comforts me whilst the cold breeze plays with the strands of her hair.
She hates having long hair but she hasn't cut it saying she will do so when I have found inner peace and can return to the happy world I was in.
"Where is Ragon?" I ask her.
"Back at the villa. I think we should head back now, he should be waiting for us." She says glancing at her watch.
Throughout the ride back home I remain calm, I don't tear myself apart with thoughts that would hurt me so I don't think at all. I keep my eyes forward the entire time distracting myself with the scenery and closing myself up. I am so scared that my body shivers profusely.
I need to prepare myself to hear what happened to my male, I have been running from it the whole day. But the problem is I do not possess any strength to even do that. I had used every last drop of it that when I need it the most I am left with none.
As the car parks in the driveway my heart pounds with severe anxiety in my chest, my mind grows fuzzy and all I want to do is run away again, perhaps to a place where no wolf can find me.
"Let me take a shower first." I say to Elriam whilst striding into the villa not giving her another glance in fear that she may open up the subject of my male on her own. I had kept her quiet along the way, now that we are home it is bound to happen.
I scrub myself clean of the blood, pouring water in my mouth, eyes and hair as this wasn't a normal shower. This was a shower of purification for burial. Some part of me knows that he isn't breathing anymore, that I need to bury him. I just couldn't...didn't want to accept it.
A heavy sob leaves my lips and I weep, the shower encaging my wails hiding it with its sound. My fists bang the wall, my knuckles bleed. How do I do this? How do I grab that shovel and put him into the ground? How do I face reality? How strong can I be?
I scrub my body harder wanting to rather face the pain of the flesh than the pain of heart and mind. It overpowers me and drains me from within leaving me with no fight, only tears. Once my mind accepts that I am clean enough I head out to the room he is in.
I stop in front of the door taking a deep breath. The room is so quiet, Ragon would be reading to him by now but there isn't even a single sound and my lips wobble. Ah, I want to cry again. I feel so weak.
Am I prepared to open this door? Am I prepared to hear the news? To see his lifeless body? My hand trembles hard, fingers shake as I reach for the handle.
"Open the door, Alpha. I am right behind you." Elriam startles me as she whispers from behind me. Feeling her warmth taking it as my strength, I finally push down the handle.
The door opens slowly with a creak and I am faced with the room's light. I bite my lower lip hard but don't look up at all or even take a step forward into the room. I stand by the entrance body trembling, my right palm clutching onto my left wrist for support.
"Look who has finally arrived. You took your time, Luna." Ragon speaks but I don't reply. I clench my jaw tightly, he knows why I took my time. He knows I am still not ready to see Deimos. I need to look at him, I have to! But why can't I?
I keep quiet and not say another word keeping my eyes on my feet. "You did not even let me explain today, Luna. She thinks you are dead by the way." He speaks and I frown. She? Is he speaking to Deimos? Is he still in a coma? That means he still breathes. Oh, Goddess!
"Is that so?" Another low deep voice speaks. A voice I know very well. A voice that comforted me, once scared me, a voice I grew to love and protect. A voice meant to soothe my soul.
My breath is caught in my throat, my heart thuds with force and my mind runs like the ocean. Gathering my courage, I slowly raise my eyes from the floor to the bed. My eyes run up from the outline of his legs covered by the thin blanket, his stomach, his chest, my mark on his neck and stop at his face.
His eyes look at me with so much gentleness. So much passion and need, he looks at me as if I were his world that he didn't exist without me, as if I was the mere reason he lived. He looks at me like I look at him. We see each other's souls.
He possesses a soft smile on his face as he whispers in the voice I died all these months wanting to hear,
"I am home, my female."