Chapter 130: A Past Revealed

I hate waiting.

No matter what the circumstances, waiting is a nuisance. But this is unbearable. I am stuck wandering around the house, hoping to hear something about Brian’s whereabouts. I don’t even want to take a run, even though I could really use it. We have to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. I couldn’t take the tense silence of the room so I go into the kitchen to make everyone something to eat.

I have no desire to eat anything myself. Normal activities like eating and sleeping seem trivial to me right now. But everyone has to keep up their strength and I need something to do. Felix follows me into the kitchen and sits at the island to watch me.

“Need any help?” he asks.

“You know how to cook?” I ask in return.

“No, but it seemed polite to offer,” he replies, shrugging his shoulders. His statement is so like him I almost chuckle, but humor is escaping me right now.

“Tell me a story or something,” I say.

“Like what?” he inquires.

“I don’t know. Anything. What was your childhood like?” I say.

“That is not a subject that will lighten the mood. Trust me,” he replies.

“The mood couldn’t be lightened anyway. You don’t have to talk about it if it’s painful. I’m just trying to distract myself,” I say. He gives me a sympathetic look and then sighs.

“Well, my parents were lone wolves. They didn’t really belong to any particular pack and we were very poor growing up. I had 4 brothers, all older. I was the ‘runt’ of the litter, as my parents so fondly called me,” he starts his story and I notice he said the word had instead of have.

I throw some pasta in a pot of boiling water and crush tomatoes and onions in another pot. I start rummaging through the cupboards for spices as he continues talking.

“My brothers were always picking on me, so I tried to become invisible. I was successful most of the time. Since we were so poor and my father had a hard time holding a job, I started stealing things like food and toiletries. I became very good at it. Everyone knew what I was doing, but nobody said a word. My brothers actually went a little easier on me after that, knowing I was the reason we were able to eat most nights,” he says.

I taste and season the sauce and throw some chicken in a pan as well. I’m probably making more food than I need to but I don’t care. In the past year Annalise has been teaching me how to cook and I’ve come to rely on the comfort it brings to create something that other people enjoy.

“I was also pretty good in school. I worked hard because I didn’t want to end up like my parents. I studied and applied for scholarships so I could get out and make something of myself. My brothers would make fun of me for it, but I think they were jealous because they knew they would be stuck in dead end jobs the rest of their lives,” he says.

“Here, taste this,” I say and hand him a spoonful of the sauce. He makes an agreeable noise and I continue to stir it and flip the chicken.

“The night before I was leaving for college, I went to a house party that I knew some of the neighborhood kids were throwing. I was so focused on schoolwork and feeding my family for such a long time, I felt like I deserved to let loose a little. I had such a good time. I drank beer from a keg and talked to girls I never had the nerve to before in school,” he tells me. He has a wistful smile on his face as he remembers.

“Then all of a sudden, sirens start flying by. Everyone at the party went to the front yard to see what was going on and that’s when I saw the smoke. It was coming from the direction of my house. I started running and I kept running until my lungs felt like they were going to burst. When I got there the house had just started to collapse,” he says.

“Oh my god,” I remark. I don’t know what else to say and I have a feeling I know what’s coming.

“I could hear my mother screaming and I tried to run in to save her, but the police held me back. The firefighters couldn’t go in either, it was too dangerous. I just stood there and watched my family and my home burn to the ground,” he says sadly and my heart breaks for him.

“Felix, I’m so sorry,” I tell him and put my hand on his.

“I told you this wasn’t a very uplifting story. Afterwards, they identified four bodies, my parents and three of my brothers. They said it was possible the other body was burned so badly that it disintegrated, but I always hoped one of them made it out. Even though they were cruel and cold to me my whole life, they were still my family,” he says and then adds, “Sorry, this is not very good pre-dinner conversation.”

I realize something about him then. He uses humor and sarcasm to deflect any real feelings or emotions. His flippant remarks and devil-may-care attitude are really just a defense mechanism to keep everyone at arm’s length. I squeeze his hand in a gesture of empathy.

“I know what it’s like to lose your family in an instant. It’s horrible to be the survivor of such a terrible circumstance. The guilt you feel...even if it’s not your fault. I’m here for you, if you ever want to talk about it, or them,” I say and he gives me a kind smile.

“I admit, I always wondered if things would have gone differently if I didn’t go to that party that night. When I went away to college I became reckless and partied all the time. I hit on girls that had boyfriends and put myself in risky situations. Maybe I was punishing myself, I don’t know. That’s how John found me. He pretty much saved me from myself,” he tells me. His brutal honesty makes me feel closer to him somehow.

I am about to tell everyone that dinner is ready when Derek walks into the kitchen.

“We have a lead.”