Chapter 37 THE WEIGHT OF LOVING HIM
Kael’s POV
I thought a week was a short amount of time. A collection of days. Manageable. Endurable. Something that passes quickly if you’re busy enough.
But this week has dragged like a lifetime.
Every sunrise feels heavy. Every night ends with me sitting a little far from Adam, but close enough to listen to him breathe…just to make sure he’s still here, still alive, still with me.
I have faced wars. Led armies. Buried loved ones. Cursed the moon itself when I get angry enough.
But nothing, absolutely nothing, has terrified me more than watching Adam slowly disappear inside his own mind.
He hasn’t spoken to me in over seven days. Not a single word. Not even a whisper. His eyes follow me sometimes, but they’re distant, wary, scared… not of me, but of himself.
And spirits, that hurts more.
Because I know what’s happening to him.
I know what that bastard confessed… what he did to Adam’s body long ago, what he forced into him, what he tried to awaken before Adam was even old enough to choose a life. I know why Adam’s skin feels foreign to him. Why his temperature spikes. Why he wakes up screaming in the night.
Why he feels like he’s becoming something monstrous.
He isn’t a monster. He never will be.
But how do I tell him that when his every breath trembles like someone drowning?
I run a hand through my hair and stare down at my palms. They’ve been shaking more than I want to admit lately. The stress is eating at me from every direction.
Star Moon pack rejected every peace offer I’ve made.
Gold. Land. Rare metals. Diplomatic contracts.
They threw it all back in my face and demanded only one thing:
“Give us Adam.”
Never.
Over my dead body.
Over the corpses of every Alpha that stands behind me.
But my people… my strong, loyal pack… they’re afraid. I can see it in their eyes. Fear where trust once sat. And some of them have begun to whisper that I’m putting one outsider above them all.
Maybe I am.
Maybe love makes fools even of kings.
But I can’t give Adam up. Not after what they’ve already done to him. Not after I’ve seen the way he's haunted by nightmares. Not after he has clung to me, shaking, thinking I couldn’t hear his muffled sobs.
Not after realizing the truth I have been running from:
I want to marry him.
I want to mark him.
I want to make him mine in every way the moon allows so that Star Moon can never lay a finger on him again.
But how can I claim him when he can’t even look at me without flinching? Does he think I'm a monster too? Does he think my presence in his life is what's turning him into a supposed monster? I don't know.
How can I ask him to trust me when he doesn’t even trust his own skin?
A loud, sharp sound cracks through the hallway.
It wasn’t a crash, more like a choked scream.
Adam.
My heart jumps into my throat. I run before I can think, every instinct exploding into panic. The door is halfway open. I push it wider…
…and the world stops.
Adam is curled on the floor, knees drawn to his chest, shaking violently. His hands are clawing at his own skin, dragging red marks across his arms, his shoulders, his neck as if trying to peel himself out of his own body.
He’s sobbing. The raw, broken kind. The kind that doesn’t sound human.
“Adam!” My voice breaks as I drop to my knees. “Adam, stop—don’t—”
He doesn’t hear me.
Or he does and can’t stop.
Or maybe the thing inside him is louder than my voice will ever be.
He scratches harder, nails digging deeper. His breath is sharp, panicked, wild.
“I can’t—” he chokes. “I can’t— I hate this— I hate—! Get it out! I want it out—!”
My chest aches so violently I grab him without thinking, pulling him against me, wrapping my arms around him with more strength than gentleness.
He thrashes.
He screams.
He claws at his arms even as they’re pinned to my chest.
And then he completely collapses into me, sobbing into my shoulder with a sound so fragile it makes my entire body tremble.
“Adam,” I whisper, holding him tighter, burying my face in his hair. “You’re safe. I’m here…”
His tears soak into my shirt. His body heaves against mine like he can’t breathe.
“I want it to stop,” he cries, voice cracking. “Kael, I want it to stop—please—please—please make it stop—”
Oh gods.
His voice.
The way he says my name.
It destroys me.
“I’m trying,” I breathe against his temple. “I swear to you, I’m trying. I won’t let anything hurt you. I won’t let anything take you away.”
His fingers clench weakly against my chest, desperate and shaking.
I clutch him closer, folding my body around him like a shield. He feels so small like this. And yet inside him is a force powerful enough to tear him apart.
“Kael…” His voice is barely a whisper now, more a breath than a word. “I don’t feel like me.”
That sentence is a knife.
I close my eyes, fighting back tears that burn.
I know why he feels that way.
I know the truth he hasn’t been told.
I know the wolf inside him was tampered with, suppressed, strangled… and now it’s forcing its way out in the only way it can: violently, painfully, tearing at the edges of his identity.
But I can’t say that to him. Whatever Star Moon pack did to him, I can't reveal to him yet.
So I held him.
And I breathe for both of us.
“I’m here,” I whisper. “Look at me. You’re still you. You’re still Adam. My mate.”
He shakes his head weakly against my chest.
“No… no I’m not… I’m not anything— I’m nothing—”
“Don’t you ever say that,” I whisper fiercely.
I pull back just enough to cup his face, brushing my thumb over his cheek, even as tears keep pouring from his eyes.
He won’t meet my gaze.
“Adam,” I breathe, “do you trust me?”
For a moment he goes still.
His lip trembles.
His throat works in a silent swallow.
Then he bites down hard on his bottom lip…
and looks away.
He doesn’t answer.
He doesn’t have to.
The silence is enough.
He doesn’t trust me.
And it feels like something inside my ribcage tears open.
I swallow hard, forcing myself to stay composed, forcing myself not to cry in front of him, forcing myself not to crumble.
I lean forward and rest my forehead against his.
“I’m not leaving,” I whisper. “Even if you don’t trust me yet. Even if you hate what’s happening. Even if the whole world is screaming for me to let you go. It'll be okay, I promise.”
I pull him back to my chest, rocking him slowly, whispering little nothings, trying to keep him grounded while he sobs silently into me.
Because I’ve made up my mind.
I will marry him.
I will mark him.
I will bind our souls if I have to.
He might not trust me yet, but I trust him enough for both of us.
And I will keep trusting him until the day he finally finds himself again…
and sees me standing exactly where I promised I’d be:
Right here.
Holding him.
Loving him.
Even when it hurts.