Chapter Twenty-Eight

I wake up next to him in his bed.

I'm naked and the sheets covering my body are thin and transparent. Sunlight pours into the room and my eyes sting. I rub them, but lifting my arms hurts my shoulders. I look down and there's dried blood on my arm and chest, no doubt from the bite. I fainted yesterday, that much I remember. But what happened afterwards?

"Did you sleep well, my love?"

I want to jeer at him, but I can't. Something inhibits me from doing so. I run my neck and pain radiates down my arm. I don't say a thing to him. I simply get out of bed and I make my way to his bathroom. I want to lock the door, but there's no lock on the door. How convenient for him. I stare at my reflection in the mirror and I gasp. I almost don't recognize myself. There are dark circles under my eyes my skin is pale. As white as the moon. I open the tap and wet a towel. I clean all the blood and the towel turns red. I don't care. I throw it on the ground and then I decide to take a shower. I need to wash Reed off my skin. The thought of last night makes me nauseous and I get on my knees in front of the toilet bowl. I'm having a hard time registering all this. I try to think of Raphas, but there's no longing, no ache. It's like everything I ever felt for him disappeared. I heave again, but nothing comes out.

I close the lid and start running a bath. The water is scalding and it's exactly what I need to feel clean again. Reed doesn't barge in, doesn't interrupt me and I'm thankful for that at least. I sit in the bath until it gets cold, then I drain the bathtub and fill it with water again. I don't ever want to leave this bathroom. I just want to stew in this bathtub and think about how fucked up my life is. I can't think of Raphas and it frustrates me. I try to remember the feel of his lips on mine, of his body against mine, but Reed replaces him, and I know there's no difference between them but that scar. That damn scar haunts me.

"Oh, Raphas." If there ever was a connection between us, it's long gone now. There's so thing left of him in me, not a single remnant. I can't even think of him without Reed obfuscating my thoughts. This must be what mating is. Reed should be my everything now, my soul mate, but I'm fighting it with all my might and it's killing a part of me.

It's late afternoon when I finally leave the bathroom. My fingers and toes are wrinkled, and I walk into the room without a towel. I'm dropping water on the floor, but I just don't care. I hate this house now. These walls are caving in on me and there's nothing I can do about it. I want to rip this house apart brick by brick. I can't believe I never wanted to leave. I got what I deserved.

There's another dress waiting for me on the bed. It's green and made of silk. I grab it and rip it to pieces. It looked expensive. Good. It feels great to ruin something so beautiful. It's exactly what he did to my love for Raphas. He uprooted it and tossed it aside, and replaced it with a seedling of his own. It's more of a weed than a seed, but whatever. No one comes for me, and there's no note from Reed. I sit naked on the floor and let the air dry my body. I must have fallen asleep because now I'm in the bed, tucked in, and it's nighttime. My neck aches when I turn it, so I stay in the same position. Reed isn't here, and I sincerely hopes he finds someplace else to sleep because if I find him here, I'll gouge his eyes out with my own fingernails.

I wake up in the morning and I'm still alone. His scent is all over the place, but not on the pillow next to mine. I don't have the strength to do anything else. I fist his pillow and I throw it across the room. I try turning my neck, and it feels a bit better today. The closet is open, and there's a selection of clothes there. I want to stand and investigate and rip them to pieces, but I can't. Everything hurts now, and I can barely move a finger. I oscillate between waking and sleeping, but I'm not truly resting when I sleep. I wake up even more tired and disoriented and thirsty, but there's nothing I can do about it. I sleep again, and wake again, and sleep again.

On the third morning, I wake and see Reed's face. It shocks me and I draw back. He looks awful. There are dark circles under his eyes and his cheeks look caved in. He shakes his head at me. "Are you trying to kill us both, is that it?"

I groan. My voice is weak and raspy. "Go away."

"And let you waste away in that bed? You haven't eaten in three days. You can't keep this up. Look at yourself."

I glare at him. "Death is preferable to having to couple with someone like you. Don't you get that? I'd rather die than be mated with you."

He flinches, and leaves the room without another word. I go back to sleep. I no longer feel hunger or pain. Just numbness. My dreams are terrible. I dream of Raphas screaming in agony and calling my name, but he can't see me and I can't show myself to him. I can only watch from a distance. I wake up with tears running down my face and his name on my lips. Is this what dying feels like? This feels a hell of a lot like it.

It feels like I'm floating and when I look around, I notice I'm being carried by strangers. I try to fight them but I have no strength in my limbs. Where are they taking me? Is this another dream or reality? I can't tell them apart anymore.

I see Sylvia's face hovering over mine. She rubs something on my face, something wet and cold. She moves her lips. I grow weak again and I pass out once more. I don't know where they're taking me, or what will happen to me. I'm giving up.

I dream of Raphas again and this time, he's burning. I watch the flames devour his body and there's nothing I can do about it. I fall to my knees and I wail for what could have been, for not being able to save him. It's like I'm burning with him.

Death is preferable.