she knows

Rina Zante

As soon as we stepped into the hallway, an alarm bell went off in my head. I fastened my feet to the ground, bringing Mammà to stop as well since we held hands.

She glanced at me, looking more confused than me.

"Where are we going?" I knew the answer. I just didn't want to believe it was true. When she'd told me I'd got to see something, I'd never in my unimaginative mind thought this was the something.

She wore a blank look before turning around to continue walking.

"Mammà," I whispered, a sense of urgency woven in my voice.

"What is it? You want him to go scot-free? To keep coming after you?" Her face softened, wiping the bitter frown off. Letting out a sigh, she spoke in a calmer tone. "We have to do this. It's the only way to bring an end to the madness."

"But…" I was sure as hell my defense would annoy her. Therefore, I went for a more cowardly-looking alternative. "What are we going to tell her? That her son is a…" I trailed off when it became clear to me—from Mammà's stoic expression—that was what she had in mind. To ring it to Luna that Vincenzo had raped me. "You can't."

I shook my head, held captive by horror. "You can't say that, Mammà."

"Why?"

"It's plain trouble," I replied, although her question was baffling. "Do I need to list all that could go wrong?"

"So now, you want me to pretend my child wasn't abused? Rina, I've got to let it out now that I'm still seething. Yes. You covered up for him all this while. You made it look like I was paranoid for wondering if something went on between the two of you." Clearly, we hadn't passed that stage. "So now, what you can do to completely wipe my anger away is to follow me to that room and end this once and for all."

She meant it. Her countenance spoke all the unsaid things.

Yet, I couldn't let her go just like that. No one needed to be told this was a bad idea. And right now, it wasn't Mammà speaking but anger. I couldn't help but wonder why. Why she'd suddenly become this bitter when only some minutes ago, hours ago, she'd been anything apart from mad.

The warmth that left my hand cut the thoughts short. I looked down to realize Mammà no longer held me.

“I won't force you just in the same way you can't stop me from doing what I should do now. But I pray that someday, you'll find the courage to speak out and not let others trample on you.”

I watched as she drew further and further away from me. The hallways bore her purposeful steps. Nothing else other than my undying love for her caused me to pick up walking. In spite of my dry throat, my poor heart worked itself to death, the feeling of impending doom surrounding me.

I didn't want to be separated from her ever again. The urge to speak kicked in, only to be smothered when the door to Luna's waiting room opened.

I couldn’t talk Mammà out of this. It was useless.

Inside the room, I stood at the door while Mammà went to summon Luna. She knocked, and I opened my mouth, attempting to speak. Luna could be asleep. Maybe we shouldn't do this now. Maybe tomorrow, when I must have given myself some TED talk and have become as brave as Mammà.

Mammà's glance came and I got a hold on myself. When she turned back to the door, I returned to fidgeting.

The door to Luna's room pulled in, presenting someone who was prepared to go to bed. We're screwed.

"Camilla. You really want to have a word with me, don’t you?” she calmly spoke. I couldn't be fooled. She was good at hiding her emotions, unlike her sick son.

“I apologize once again, Luna, for disturbing you. It's just that…”

“What you have to say is so important it can't wait till tomorrow. I know." Her eyes flashed at me and the tic around the corners meant she'd wanted to make a comment, but decided against it.

She went to a couch. "I believe this isn’t about your request. I did quite a good job explaining the terms and conditions."

“Certainly. This has nothing to do with the request,” Mammà replied.

For some time, nothing was said.

“I'm all ears. What is it you want to tell me so bad?” Luna broke the silence, and Mammà moved to stand before her.

"I don’t know what other way to put this, but…" Mammà pressed her lips together. Almost bringing me to tears. "My daughter is pregnant."

A heap of shame fell on me. I shut my eyes, wishing I'd opened them and realized this was a dream.

"And—"

Luna interrupted Mammà, scoffing. "What?" She turned and condemned me with her eyes. "Really? Pregnant?" She redirected her scorn to Mammà. "Per questo hai voluto dimetterti.Why didn’t you just say it?" [This was why you wanted to resign]

Mammà went silent; I cursed myself for putting her in such a sticky situation.

"Of course you would want to cover an immoral act. Who is responsible? You know what, I don't care."

She rose to her feet.

"This is unbelievable." Her attention came to me again. "You've gotten what you wanted, right? You should be ashamed of yourself. Totally. You had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for a good life and just like that, you threw it away. For what? Two minutes of pleasure?"

I swallowed. Which was all I could do. Swallow all the blame and insult.

"And now you brought your mom to clean up the mess. So shameless."

Concluding, she returned to her room. Or didn't. She stopped right in front of Mammà. "I don't know what you want from me. The contract still stands and…" Her condemning gaze met me briefly. "You will just have to figure things out. Send her off to wherever, I don't care. But you will remain here till the contract says otherwise. And as for you…"

The unwanted attention was here again.

"You should use this night to reflect on your foolishness. You don't even have a degree. No solid job. So much for wearing the good girl facade. I'm utterly disappointed."

Walking back to her room, she spat. "Bravo per avermi rovinato la serata, entrambi. Vedete voi stessi dispiaciuti." [Bravo for ruining my night, you both. See your sorry selves out]

"Luna Alvina" —Mammà's voice alerted me— "in spite of how you'll feel, my daughter wouldn't have been in this mess if not for…"

I rushed towards Mammà, attempting to cover her mouth, but she resisted. "If not for your son, Rina would not have been pregnant in the first place."

Luna stopped dead in her tracks—at first, frightening me that she'd fallen into a coma however stupid that sounded; then pivoting sharply towards us.

"What?"

In my life, I had never gotten this tone from Luna. A voice so shrilly, high-pitched, I feared her vocal cords would snap.

"I'm sorry, there's no better way to put it. I wish none of this was true," Mamma said.

"None of what?"

Mammà waited to make the truth less bitter. I crossed the line that ushered me into a tearful state.

"Signoro Vincenzo had his way with her." I couldn't bear finding out Luna's reaction. This situation was worse than…it was the worst thing someone could find herself in. "He's been abusing her right under my nose. Our noses. And…" Mammà sniffed. "You are right. I want out because of Rina. Her welfare is my…"

Mammà's voice thinned out because my focus swept to Luna who marched towards us with a deadly glare. Something warned me to take Mammà away from here, but stupid of me. Stupid of me to stay still, because when I finally paid heed to the voice, it was already late.

The consequence of my stupidity was a lip splitting slap on Mammà’s face.

"How dare you?" Luna raised her hand to hurt my mother again. I pulled Mammà away, burying her head into my chest.

"Chi ti credi di essere, Camilla. Come osi? I gave you a decent roof under your head and this is how you repay me? Slandering my son?" She stomped forward, digging her hands in to grab Mammà's collar. [Who do you think you are, Camilla. How dare you?]

"It's the truth! Piccolo Mastero raped me!" The admission made Luna go still. I used that opportunity to hold Mammà tighter and step back. "Ask Signora Lucia. She knows. Ask Mia too!"

My shoulders heaved as I breathed shallowly. As I watched Luna whiten every passing second.

"He's been touching me. He's been at it for as long as I can remember and he threatened to hurt me if I told anyone. Why would I want to tarnish his image? What do I stand to gain?"

"Clout. That's what people like you are after. I don't get it." Her eyes narrowed. "The nerve you've got, it's very commendable. You don't care about the consequences. You don't mind the repercussions, no, it's just about the money and fame." She advanced like one with evil intentions. "But your foolishness amazes me. You stood a better chance if you'd prattled this to the press. You get like a week of attention, before dancing to the music. And even after the unbefitting punishment, everyone would still have been talking about you. But no, poverty stricken individuals are poor in reasoning."

Gripping Mammà while backing away from Luna, I said, "Please tell me the punishment you have in store is death. That's all I want. It's not worth leaving when I've lost everything, everything I've held onto all my life."

Luna never stopped moving.

I parted my mouth, about to speak when Mammà lifted off me and dug into her pocket. She brought a flashcard, presenting it to Luna.

"He sent me this after I caught him in my room with Rina."

I couldn't see what the flashcard read. Whatever it was must be bad, so bad because Luna's face resembled that of Mammà when Mammà had caught Vincenzo kissing me. There was something about the write-up that stopped Luna from talking. That affected her so much she stretched her hand and plucked the card from Mammà.

"I never wanted to confront you with the truth, but he left me with no choice when he dropped that note," Mammà added.

For a long time, Luna stared at the card. I didn't think she'd ever take her eyes off it. Not until she shocked me.

Lifting up her gaze, I was made to see how expressionless she'd become. Deader than a graveyard.

She walked past us to where an intercom was positioned. I held onto Mammà as the implication became clear. We were toast. As if reading my mind, Mammà tightened her grip on me.

"I want to see you," Luna said to the other line. Her tone, the statement and her overall mood didn't seem like she'd summoned her son. Again, I wasn't dumb. The woman was full of surprises. I was strong in my conviction even though her head was hung low.