CHAPTER 6: THAT NIGHT

I walked cautiously. It’s already dark and I am no longer familiar with the place. I can no longer remember its outline. But hell, I can clearly remember what happened here years ago.

It was on the night of our graduation, the whole gang decided to celebrate by the seaside. I was disappointed because Rev brought Jean along. I turned my attention to the alcohol while we were playing truth or dare where one either choose to tell the truth to a question or do whatever the gang tells.

*FLASHBACK*

“Dare! I will dare. So dare me!” I was well aware that I am already drunk when the bottle pointed at me.

“Rein, you’re already drunk!” Noelle said.

“I’d be surprised if you are the one who is drunk, since you only had one shot,” I retorted and heard them laugh. Noelle just gave me a pointed look which I just brushed off. It’s normal for us to bicker anyway.

“Rein, you’re the star of the party again,” Daniel commented while laughing.

I don’t know why we are laughing. Maybe they are all drunk?

“So slow, dude! Dare me!” I shouted again. Again, I don’t know why.

“Okay, game. Confess your deepest feeling to anyone of us here. Even if that is hatred, irritation, hidden desire, insecurity, crush, or love. Whatever that is, confess it to that person now.”

I laughed and laughed and rolled on the sand even though there is nothing funny and no one understands why I am laughing. But it’s laughable. I am laughable. My feelings are laughable. I am so pathetic.

But this is my chance. My one chance! So I stood up abruptly and took the stem of rose in my bag. Of course I’m ready! Kidding. Someone handed me a rose after the commencement exercise earlier. He said it was from a secret admirer. I’d be damned! But I accepted it, though I didn’t believe that I have a secret admirer.

I composed myself and stopped the empty laughter.

“You guys want a confession?” they all looked excited. “Here, I have a confession to make,” I grinned and approached my handsome best friend who is sitting farther to the back and talking to Jean as if they have their own world.

I know he plans to propose to Jean tonight. Anytime now. I know because I am his best friend and he tells me all his plans, his thoughts, his feelings. I know him, I know him so well. But he doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know what I hide in the deep recesses of my heart and mind. He didn’t have an idea because he was always busy staring at his girlfriend while I was busy staring at him.

I borrowed Ricky’s guitar and thought of a perfect song to describe how I feel. I started to strum as I sing the lyrics.

The song was a lonely tale of a man who harbored his feelings for the one he calls a friend. And the friend remained clueless until the very end, giving her hand to someone else.

My voice was quivering as I sing. But it’s cold here by the seaside, and I am drunk so they wouldn’t realize that I am quivering because I am so afraid of what I am about to do. Once and for all, I want to tell him what I feel.

I continued singing, feeling the lyrics. Owning the emotions.

Great! Now I have everyone’s attention. And Jean was looking at me accusingly. But just for now, just tonight, I want to be selfish. I want to follow my heart without considering what everyone else would feel. Just for tonight, please let me.

“There, did you hear that, Rev? I know you so well, but you don’t know me at all. You don’t know that I’ve been loving you all this time, watching you give your heart away to someone else. I’m done confessing,” I faced our friends who all looked shocked and urged them to clap. “Oh, and here’s the rose to go with that confession!” I grinned at him. The usual grin I give him whenever I am pulling a prank on him.

“I love you!” And then I kissed him full in his lips.

The next thing I knew, Jean was running away, Rev following her wake.

He stopped to look back at me, confused and angry. My heart faltered, his pained expression instantly made me sober.

Gripped by shame, I ran away, grabbing my things on my way out.

And then I walked and walked without destination. My friends kept on calling my cellphone but I ignored all of them. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to undo the damage I caused.

It was almost midnight and I was still on the street. I hailed a cab when I saw one.

The maid opened the door and let me in. They know me because I always sleep over.

“Is Rev here?” I asked.

“Yes, he just arrived. He’s already in his room.”

“Thank you.”

I ran the distance between the main door and his room. I knocked tentatively. No one answered. I was about to open the door when it was yanked open forcefully from inside. I hit my head on his chest.

He didn’t speak, he just stared at me, his face devoid of any emotion.

“Rev.. I.. I..” I stammered. I have no idea how to start explaining.

“Rev, I was just kidding earlier. You know that, right? I’m sure even Jean wouldn’t think I was serious.”

He narrowed his eyes at me. I can clearly see his anger, and honestly I’m getting scared. I’m getting scared because it feels like I am losing him.

“Jean wouldn’t care about that anymore. Do you know why? Because she’s gone. She’s gone from my life and it’s because of you. Everything is ruined now, and for what? For your entertainment? Thank you so much, you’re such a great friend! You can easily play with my feelings just like that!”

“Rev.. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean everything. I didn’t mean to hurt you or her. I just.. I was just drunk and I thought it would be fun for everyone. I didn’t know it will create such serious consequence.”

He looked stunned for a while before he slowly walked back to his bed. I watched him sat down on it and pressing his hands against his face. Then his shoulders rocked. He’s crying! Hell, he’s crying, and it’s my fault.

I knelt in front of him to look at his face. I tried to touch him but he flinched.

“She broke up with me. She doesn’t want to see me again. I don’t know what to do now..”

“She will come around, she loves you.”

“Why did you have to do it?”

“What?”

“Why did you do that? Why did you have to tell me that you love me and kiss me in front of everybody? What girlfriend will not get mad?”

“Then, she should be mad at me, not at you. I’m taking the blame, because it’s my fault.”

“Bullshit! Bullshit, Rein! That’s not the point! The point is.. the point is..”

“The point is..?”

He stopped talking. Then after a while, he spoke again.

“Get out now. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t even want to see you. Disappear from my life.”

I froze. Surely, Rev is not serious, right?

“Now!” he shouted at my face and pushed me.

The door flew open.

“What’s happening here?” Auntie Eva came in. She looked like she just woke up because of the noise we created.

“Nothing, Ma. She’s leaving.”

He held my arm tightly and pulled me towards the door.

“Rev, wait!”

“Remember, I don’t want to see you again. EVER.”

“Rev! Do you know what you’re saying to Rein?”

“Ma, don’t interfere with us!”

Pak!

I gasped when Auntie Eva slapped him hard. Rev clenched his fist but didn’t speak.

“I don’t know what’s happening, but whatever it is, I can see that you are hurting Rein. You don’t just push her away, because someday, you will regret losing someone important in your life.”

“She doesn’t matter to me anymore.”

I gasped again. I felt Rev’s conviction when he said that. I ran away.

There was cold finality in his voice when he said that I don’t matter to him anymore. I became numb with pain, so I ran. I escaped the place.

I did not plan to show up in front of him again, even though what I really wanted to see him, to call him, to text him and beg for forgiveness. I will no longer wish for him to love me back, I will be content with his friendship. I just want him to forgive me.

But I cannot bring myself to face him again. I am ashamed of myself. And I cannot bear to see his hatred and disappointment again.

I love him I’ve loved him for five years. And yet, I’m not strong enough for this searing pain. It’s going to kill me.

Then this opportunity to work in another country came and I decided to start a new there. I cut all communications with everyone I left behind.

But before that, I went to see Jean. To set right what i have ruined.