Chapter 139 139
I was staring at the TV while eating ice cream. I'm just staring at it as I don't understand anything... I was trying to focus on the movie, but my mind was flying elsewhere.
"This ice cream tastes bitter," I muttered and stared at my vanilla ice cream.
I don't know why my ice cream suddenly tastes bitter. I don't know why my heart suddenly feels heavy... This is a feeling that isn't familiar to me, and its unfamiliarity is what scares me the most. I get scared when I don't understand my own feelings. I get scared when I get to a point where I can't control myself and what I want to happen... I get scared when I start to feel things that I don't know how to handle.
I just shook my head and looked at the paper bags beside me. I didn't put the books Luca bought on my bookshelf...
I looked at the wall clock; it's already 8 pm. It looks like Luca had too much fun with Sasha.
I just bit my lower lip and tried to focus on the movie. I just continued eating the ice cream so I could at least be distracted because I'm not understanding anything in the movie I'm watching.
I only froze when I heard the door open. I turned to look, but I immediately looked at the TV again when I saw it was Luca. I bit my lower lip and gripped the spoon tightly. I tried to calm my raging nerves and did my best to act cool and unaffected.
"Crescent..."
I remained eating my ice cream and didn't look at him even though I felt him sit beside me. I felt Luca seem to gather his thoughts on what he should say to me... I just fixed my glasses and took another spoonful of ice cream.
"Are you mad at me?" he asked.
I didn't respond and just continued eating my ice cream. I don't want to answer his question or say anything. My voice might just break, and I'll cry... I cry easily. I cry even over trivial things. If I speak, I'll just end up crying, which I've been trying to hold back... even though I don't know why I'm crying.
"I'm sorry for suddenly leaving you like that... Sasha just cried because of some assholL-- I mean, because of his boyfriend. I couldn't leave her alone just like that; she needs company."
His apology should make me feel better, but it didn't... It just made me feel worse... My chest just got even tighter because of what he said instead of it making me feel better.
I put the ice cream on the mini table then turned to him. I prayed several times that my voice wouldn't break before I finally spoke.
"You're an asshole."
Luca froze for a moment at what I said... even me. I'm not really a person who curses. But when Luca left me at the mall earlier, I couldn't count how many times I cursed him in my head.
Luca bit his lower lip and nodded. "Yes, I'm an asshole, and I'm sorry, really," he said.
I bit the insides of my cheeks to control my emotions. I don't want him to think that I'm angry because I'm jealous or anything... I need to think. I shouldn't just let my emotions take over now. I need to think of a good reason... I need to calm myself a little.
"Y-You were the one who invited me to the mall, and then you'll just leave me like that? Y-You're so disrespectful... I get that she's the woman you love, b-but it's too much that you'll just suddenly leave me there." I looked away from him and looked at the ice cream again. "You were the one who asked me to go to the mall, a-and then you'll just send me home alone,"
the last thing I said was almost a whisper.
"I'm sorry, I won't do it again..." Luca said softly and held my hand.
I subtly removed his hand from me. I took my ice cream again and started eating it. I just looked at the TV and didn't look at him anymore.
"H-How's Sasha? Is she alright?" I asked... I guess I'm trying to hurt myself more.
"She's fine, I guess... I don't like her boyfriend, but it seems like he really loves her," Luca mumbled, his voice weakened.
I bit my lower lip and nodded. So Sasha has a boyfriend... Is that why Luca didn't court her?
"By the way, the books that I bought for you... why are they still here?" he asked and pointed at the paper bags beside him.
I stopped myself from snorting. "I'm not in the mood to put them on my shelf," I just said and ate my ice cream again.
"Hey... are you still mad at me?" Luca asked in a soft voice and touched my arm.
"I'm not mad at you," I just said and fixed my glasses.
I don't know... Am I mad at him? I can't even figure out what I'm really feeling. I don't know if this is anger, disappointment... or jealousy. I hope it's not... I have no right to be jealous. Our status is clear. We're just fuck buddies. We both benefit from it, no strings attached... just lust and sex.
"Are you sure?" he asked and held my hand again.
I bit my lower lip and stood up. I closed the ice cream and put it in the fridge, then washed my hands. I went back to the living room and took the paper bags from the sofa. Luca was just silent and watching my every move.
"Luca... let me make things clear to you," I said, trying to sound tough. "You don't have to buy things for me. You don't have to be sweet and nice to me... That's so unnecessary. It's not needed in our relationship... You can only act sweet and such when..." I trailed off, "when we're having sex... That's all there is to our relationship, and please leave... Only come here when we're going to have sex."
I didn't wait for him to answer. I immediately went into my room and closed the door. I put the paper bags on my study table then just lay on the bed. I snorted when I realized I haven't drunk water and brushed my teeth yet... I'll just wait for him to leave. I'll hear it, anyway.
With what I said earlier, he'll surely leave... He might not even come back.
I just bit the insides of my cheeks and stared at the ceiling... What if he leaves and doesn't come back? It's much better. I can finally do my plans that I had in the first place... He's just a distraction, and I hate myself more for letting him distract me.
I sighed and stood up. I went to the door and pressed my ear against it. I still haven't heard him leave... What is he still doing? He should be leaving now. He surely has other women who can be his fuck buddies besides me, who are more beautiful, sexier, and more experienced than me.
I bit my bottom lip harder... I hope he didn't take what I said earlier too personally. Maybe I was too rude earlier.
I just shook my head and gently slapped my cheek... My goodness, I hate myself for being like this. I get a conscience easily even over small things... I think I even get a conscience from just killing an ant. Ivana was irritated about it, too. She said I'm often taken advantage of because I'm too nice.
I just swallowed and waited a bit more. I just sighed when several minutes passed... I want to text Luca to apologize, but I think that would be ruder... but I don't want to face him either.
I gulped and slowly opened my door. Whatever. I'm hoping that he wasn't here anymore, but I'm also hoping that he's still here... I really don't understand myself anymore.
I slowly peeked. My shoulders dropped when I saw that Luca was no longer in the living room... Of course he left. What am I expecting? I told him to leave, anyway. I should be glad that he's not here anymore.