Trenton could count the times he’d missed work over the years on one hand and would still have had a couple of fingers left over.
Yesterday, after Scottie had left, Trenton had even managed to go in to work for a little while. But the minute he walked out of his office, he had realized what a mistake that had been.
His eyes had been drawn to the big front window, and no matter how many times his brain had tried to warn him, his legs had carried him right over there so he could look across the street.
It had become a habit over the past couple of weeks—to look over there and smile, knowing Scottie was inside that building, knowing he could even be looking back across at Trenton.
Now, though, looking over at Steamin’ Beans didn’t make Trenton smile at all. It very nearly made him cry wondering if Scottie was over there doing the same thing.
That was the moment he had decided to leave work early.
Today, he hadn’t even been able to work up the nerve to go in at all.
So he had stayed in bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to figure out where everything had gone so wrong.
He kept going over the conversation they’d had yesterday morning. Over and over again, he cursed himself for letting it get out of hand, for taking things too personally and for lashing out.
Trenton didn’t blame Scottie for leaving. That part hadn’t been surprising to him at all.
If anything, Trenton couldn’t figure out what had made Scottie stay for so long in the first place. What had drawn the two of them together after years of not speaking?
Sasha, of course.
She had been the catalyst, but there had been something more, too. Otherwise, Trenton could have just checked up on the dog and gone about his business with a clear conscience.
But he hadn’t stopped there.
He had accepted the invitation to dinner. Then the invitation after that.
And when it became apparent that Scottie might have been interested in becoming more than just friends, Trenton didn’t even try to slow things down. He didn’t try to talk it out. He didn’t even try very hard to figure out if he wanted more, too.
There was a part of him that had wanted more, though. He had just been too scared to admit it.
Trenton was ready for the commitment, but what about the labels that came with it? Why did he have to come out as anything just to be with someone?
Why did anyone care? And what business was it of anyone else’s, anyway?
But there was no way he could date Scottie and keep it a secret. He didn’t want to keep it a secret. That wasn’t fair to Scottie or to himself. And it also wasn’t fair to expect Scottie to go back into the closet—even if it was only some of the time—just because Trenton wasn’t ready to come out yet.
Which was why that part of him that wanted more stayed quiet.
He had somehow hoped that they could just keep going along like they had been. They had been in their own little bubble, where nothing else mattered. It had seemed so perfect at the time.
Right up until it wasn’t.
And no matter what happened next—whether he talked to Scottie again or not—Trenton already knew one thing for sure.
The perfect little bubble had burst. There was no going back to that place.
For better or worse, whatever the future held for the two of them—friends or not, lovers or not—it was going to be different.
Too many things had been said that couldn’t be taken back.
###
Forty-eight hours had passed since Scottie had left Trenton’s house.
It had felt at times like an eternity and at other times like it had just been minutes. Trenton had cried. He had raged.
He had questioned himself, his feelings, his heart, his brain.
His God.
And after forty-eight hours, he still didn’t have the answers he had been looking for. He still didn’t have the one answer that was most important to him—what should he do next?
He wanted to make things better. He wanted to go back in time and somehow avoid all the mistakes he’d made along the way.
But there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t have turned out exactly the same, was there?
Even if he and Scottie had talked more, or had talked earlier, who was to say that it would have solved anything?
The underlying problems would have still been there, right?
Right.
Still, it had been two days now, and even though Trenton couldn’t figure out how to fix things, he knew he couldn’t keep hiding, either.
He was going to have to go back to work, at the very least.
But as he pulled up in front of his shop, the sun still barely peeking over the horizon, he wondered if he could even make it through the day.
Maybe he wasn’t ready to come back, after all.
He turned off the ignition and drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. Unfortunately, he didn’t really get sick days as the owner. Taking off yesterday had been necessary. But there was nobody else who was going to look after his business the way he would. There was nobody else who could be expected to care as much as he did.
The business needed Trenton. And if he was being honest, he needed the business, too.
So he was going to have to stay.
He was going to have to suck it up and make it through. And then he was going to have to do it all over again tomorrow.
And the next day.
He had to keep going just like that, day after day, until things started to get better. Until business started to get better. Until his personal life started to get better. Until his heart started to heal.
Trenton knew all those things would happen in time. It might not be easy, but he would get there somehow.
First, though, he had to get through today.
###
“Hey, Trenton.” Danny cocked his head to the side and gave an inquisitive look as Trenton walked through the front door of the salon. “Is everything okay? You can’t possibly need a trim already.” He gasped as his eyes went wide. “Are you unhappy with how I cut your hair? I did it just the same way I always have, but if there’s something—anything—wrong at all, I’ll be happy to—”
“No,” Trenton said, holding up a hand to stop the rush of words that were coming at him. “No, sorry. It’s nothing like that, Danny. I’m happy with your work, just like I always am.”
Danny was visibly relieved as he nodded, taking in everything Trenton had said. But then the puzzled expression returned. “So if it’s not the cut, what can I do for you?” He cocked an eyebrow. “Do you want me to color your hair? Wax your brows? Brazilian?”
Trenton blinked. He wasn’t even sure what that meant. “No, no, thank you, though. I, um…” He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. He had talked himself into coming over here, so it would be dumb to turn around and leave now. Plus, he would definitely look crazy if he did that. “I was hoping we might be able to talk for a minute? About… something personal?”
Danny looked from side to side and then behind him before finally checking the clock on the wall and the front door. “Okay,” he said, giving Trenton a conspiratorial look as he patted the barber’s chair next to him. “Come have a seat. Tell me what’s going on.”
Trenton wondered for a moment if Danny was going to be disappointed when he found out. The look on his face seemed like he might be expecting government secrets or some juicy bit of gossip.
All Trenton had to share were a bunch of jumbled feelings that he couldn’t seem to untangle on his own.
Once Trenton was settled in the chair, he decided to just say what he had to say as plainly as possible. He needed some advice, and Danny seemed to be the only gay man in town who didn’t hate Trenton at the moment.
“I need to ask your opinion about something,” Trenton said. “But I’d really like this to just stay between the two of us.”
“No problem,” Danny said without skipping a beat. “Whatever you want to talk about stays inside these four walls.”
“Great. Thank you.” Trenton paused, trying to collect his thoughts. “I know this is probably going to seem weird, but I think if anyone can help me with this, you can. I need someone’s advice who has maybe been through this before. Someone… who is gay.”
Both of Danny’s eyebrows shot up, but he didn’t say anything, so Trenton continued before he could talk himself out of it.
“I’ve been seeing someone, as you probably guessed the last time I was here, but…” Trenton only hesitated a moment before continuing, “that someone is not a woman.”
“Okay,” Danny said, seeming to take the news in stride after his initial surprise. “That sounds like good news, but it doesn’t look like you feel good about it.”
“Everything was going fine—going great, in fact—for almost three weeks. There didn’t seem to be anything we disagreed about. He’s so easy-going and funny, smart, good-looking… just… everything a person could want, you know?”
Danny smiled. “Again, that all sounds like good news… So far, I’d say go for it.”
“I wish it was that simple,” Trenton replied.
If only it were.
“So where does it become complicated?” Danny asked.
“His friends and I don’t get along, for one.” Trenton sighed. “And I don’t know if… I mean… when did you know it was time to come out of the closet? How did you know it was going to be okay?”
A look of understanding finally appeared on Danny’s face. “Oh, okay. I think I see. Let’s take the easier part first. You don’t have to love his friends. You don’t even have to particularly like them. They’re his friends, after all. You can either make friends with them or go make your own friends. Whatever. But I think it’s probably an issue if you actively dislike them. Or if they actively dislike you. Is that the situation?”
“Pretty much,” Trenton said, trying not to feel defeated already. If that was supposed to be the easy part, he might just be doomed. “Do you think there’s a way to make peace with them?”
“I think that depends on you. If you know why you don’t like them, or vice versa, you can try to fix whatever is at the root of the problem. But at the end of the day, it’s not fair to ask or expect someone to choose between their best friends and their boyfriend. That just never ends well, and it’s not a great way to start a relationship.”
Trenton nodded. Nothing Danny had said so far had been a revelation to him. It was all pretty much common sense, but it still helped to hear it said out loud.
“Okay,” Trenton said. “I can do some more thinking on that. Now… what about the other part? The, ah… coming out part?”
“That part is a little more complicated.” Danny gave him a sympathetic look. “Nobody can tell you when the right time to come out is. Nobody can tell you that you have to come out, period. Full stop. That has to be solely your decision, and you have to be okay with it. It isn’t easy—even for me, and I was never really in the closet.” Danny smiled for a moment before turning serious again. “But the most important part is that if you decide to come out—and it’s okay if you don’t—that you’re doing it for you. Don’t do it because someone else thinks you should, or because you think someone might like you more if you do, or whatever. Do it for yourself. You’re the one who has to live with the decision and whatever comes after. You’re the only one who can determine if it’s the right decision.”
It was a lot to take in, but it all made perfect sense. Of course he couldn’t expect anyone else to tell him it was going to be okay to come out of the closet—although it would have been really helpful if someone could have done that.
Trenton was going to have to decide what it would mean for him and then he was going to have to decide whether or not he was ready.
Today, right now, this very minute?
He wasn’t sure.
“Thank you, Danny,” Trenton said, finally. “I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. This has been really helpful, more than you know.”
“I’m glad,” Danny said, reaching out to squeeze Trenton’s shoulder. “It’s a scary thing to do, no matter how easy it might seem for someone else. We’ve all been through the nerves and the fear. But just speaking for myself, I can tell you that almost all of those fears were unfounded. Sure, there will be some assholes out there, but aren’t there always in life? They’ll still be there, regardless of what you do. But the sky didn’t fall. The world didn’t stop turning. The sun still came up the next morning, and it started to get easier and better, almost immediately.”
Trenton nodded. “Thank you for that. Truly.”
“Come back and talk to me anytime, okay? No matter what you decide to do, this will just be between us.”
“Thank you,” Trenton repeated. “I won’t forget this.”
For the first time all day, Trenton felt like he could breathe. He still didn’t know what the hell he was going to do about Scottie, or his friends, or coming out, or any of it.
But at least now he knew where to start. He knew how to approach the decisions he was going to have to make. Danny had absolutely helped him with that.
And for the first time in forty-eight hours, Trenton didn’t feel helpless or alone anymore. There were people out there who had been through what he was going through.
People like Danny. Like Scottie. And Calvin, Jack, Gage, Newton, and countless others.
They were all living, breathing proof that it could get better.
Trenton just had to decide if it was the right move for him, and if it was the right time.
He had already found the right person. There was no doubt in his mind about that.
It was just everything else that he was going to have to think about.