Guilt

Guilt
Carrie

“What did you just say?” I rushed to the front door, and I managed to push Alessandro to the side. With every nerve awakened, I stared at the tall man who lowered his head. “Who died? Which Mr. Edwards?”
The man looked at Alessandro. And I did the same.
“Alessandro. What is he talking about?”
Alessandro peeled his eyes off mine. “Calistus, grazie. Let’s talk some other time.”
“Alessandro!” I stomped a foot before I could lose every bit of my reasons. “Please…”
With a hand, he hugged me from behind and closed the door. “Relax, Carrie. Or you'll hurt yourself.”
“How can I relax? How can…” Tears began welling in my eyes. Alessandro's hesitation to speak was enough to tell that the mentioned Mr Edwards was indeed my father. “My… My Dad… is dead.”
“Carrie…”
“Don’t even lie to me.” My lips curled. “Don’t.”
“Carrie…” With careful steps, he led me to the living room. He made me sit, then our eyes met while ugly tears threatened to bloat my throat if I didn't let them out.
“It’s… It’s my father, isn’t it? Please, tell me.”
Another sigh, and Alessandro replied, “Yes.”
“Uhm…” I nodded as if I was okay with that. “I see.”
“Carrie?”
But I could not pretend for long.
I quickly buried my head in Alessandro's shoulder, and with silent tears, I replayed his response.
“What… ha… happened?”
“Carrie, you-”
“Tell me.” I sniffled and shook my head. “I need to know.”
“He had been sick for a while.”
“This is all my fault,” I whispered while my heart shattered.
“Carrie, you know that’s not true.”
“If only I didn’t become a disappointment to my father. If only I...” My head lifted to the ceiling. “I shouldn’t have left. I made my father sick.”
“Carrie…” Alessandro held my hands. “Can you please stop with the guilt? You are not responsible for your father’s sickness. And you'll never be.”
Alessandro’s right.
He is so right, but I can’t help but get angry at him.
“What do you even know?” I asked with a thickened, trembling voice. “What do you know?”
“Carrie.” His voice turned stern, and he gripped my shoulders. “Snap out of that useless guilt. You didn’t kill your father.”
“Why are you getting angry at me? Did you kill him?”
“What?”
Even though I knew that I wasn’t making sense, at this point, I didn't care at all whether or not I was speaking reasonably.
“Are you the reason he died? Did you kill him like you killed Frank Maximus?”
“Where is this coming from, Carrie?”
“Don’t tell me what to feel. Don’t say I’m not guilty or I have to calm down. I already feel like the disappointment my father saw me as. Just… Just stop talking.”
“Carrie…”
I rushed to the bedroom. I locked the door, crashed onto the floor, and my quiet tears turned into wails that mourned the man I’d been quietly wishing to meet again.
~~~
Time passed, I don’t know how much.
All I know is the way I felt as I opened my eyes was not a friendly feeling. My bones felt sore, my throat wasn’t at ease, and my eyes were drowsy.
I sat up and slowly blinked at the unused bed, making me wonder if Alessandro was on the other side of the door.
I said some stupid things earlier, but I doubt that I’m ready to face him.
So, I remained in that position while an inner voice reminded me that my father was dead.
I can’t believe it. I don’t want to.
I don't want to believe that I’ll never get the chance to at least apologise for being a pain to him.
I should have fought for a chance to return home, at least for a few days.
If I had…
If I…
The tears rising within me halted my thoughts. This time, it came with the familiar feeling of wanting to throw up.
With haste, while I made gagging noises within sniffles, I rushed to the bathroom. As I moved, I heard Alessandro’s voice from the other side.
Once I got rid of the nasty thing that almost made a mess all over the bathroom floor, I washed my face and proceeded to stare at my unusual paleness in the mirror.
Bothered by the view, I concluded that I needed to go to the hospital. I would be foolish to think that I look like a ghost because I’ve been crying. I only cried for like two hours.
“Oh…” I groaned within my soul when I felt a sharp pain in my right leg. “What the…” My head swirled, something painfully hot rose within me, and I rushed to grab the nearest support.
I didn’t make it.
Despite the fight within me to remain upright, I lost my balance and, like a deflated balloon, I crashed into the ground.
~~~
Alessandro
Carrie has been inside that room for more than ten hours, and all she did for most of it was cry and sleep; the light snores I heard assured me that she was somewhat okay.
But now, I can’t keep waiting. My worries are eating me up, and I might lose my mind pacing the entire house.
Swiftly, I went to get the spare key to the bedroom.
“Carrie.” I heard nothing. “Are you there?”
The lack of response was my cue to unlock the door. Once I did, the space was void of Carrie’s presence, so I approached the bathroom.
“Carrie!” My knees dropped to the ground. I hurried to her. Her seemingly breathless state wrenched my heart. The growing lack of blood in her face pumped fear into me, but I didn’t let that fear cripple me.
I pulled out my phone from the back pocket, dialled the emergency line, and my other hand did not leave hers for even a second because I wanted her to know that I was with her. Always with her.
~~~
The ride to the hospital was thankfully short, and the medics were quick to take over.
In the ER, they got to work and ensured they did their best to restore Carrie’s health. The moment she could breathe better, the moment they informed me that she was out of danger, I finally became whole again.
Now they’re transferring her to the VIP ward I am entitled to as a major shareholder, and I’m filling out some form to allow for a more seamless treatment. But as I stared at the paper, I held my breath and wondered if I was already being punished for my sins.
If I had been a second late, Carrie’s state might have worsened. Death… could have taken her away.
No. That mustn’t happen. If I must pray to the one in the heavens to ensure nothing happens to Carrie, I’ll do that. I’ll whisper a prayer every minute if that’s what it takes to protect Carrie from whatever sinful burden I’m meant to carry.
Well…
Perhaps I should worry about that later.
The doctor already assured me that both Carrie and our baby are unharmed.
Completing this form should be a priority so I can be next to her.
Minutes later, I was done and headed for Carrie’s room.
When I reached the corridor leading to the exclusive area, I paused and looked around with narrowed eyes as a feeling within me suggested that something was wrong. I didn’t see anything out of place, but I hearkened to that feeling and ran to Carrie’s ward.
I rolled the door open, and my chest thudded.
Her bed was empty. She wasn’t seated on the sofas or looking out of a window. She wasn’t in the bathroom either.
“Ah…” Slowly, I stepped out of the room. With deep chuckles that reflected the hell that had been let loose within me, I took out my phone and initiated a call. “Someone had better fucking have an answer to this,” my voice boomed to the other person on the call, “Where. Is. My. Wife?”