12: Pray

Malapit na ang schedule ko para sa first chemotherapy session ko. Hindi pa ako handa, pakiramdam ko lahat ng ito ay pagsasayang lang ng pera pero iisa lang naman ang kakahantungan ko.

Sa ilalim ng lupa. Kamatayan.

I'm so scared, fuck...

Gaslighting myself that it will only feel like I slept but I will no longer have the ability to wake up again or take a glimpse of my friends and family.

I hope in my next life hindi na puno ng drama ang buhay ko. Sana paggising ko isa na lang akong batang masaya at spoiled ng mga magulang niya.

Duh, sino bang hindi gugustuhin ang pera? Pagod na akong maging mahirap.

Kaya nga ginagalingan ko sa pag-aaral ko tapos ito lang pala ang kahahantungan ko. I wasted my 18 years of existence for this.

It's coming into an end.

Nothing changed, the only difference is that I already told David that I don't want to see him anymore even if it's a lie. Hindi pa rin kami gaanong nakakabalik sa bahay dahil parang naging tirahan na namin ang Ospital dahil sa walang katapusang tests at treatments. Iniiwasan ko pa rin ang mga tawag niya dahil hanggang ngayon, ayaw niya tumigil.

"Lychie!" Jarell hugged me and cried. "Kumusta ka na ba? Hindi mo na kami kinakausap! Nag-aalala na kami sa 'yo!" Hinalikan niya ang noo ko.

Nasa likod niya ang kaibigan niyang si Brelenn. He even side eyed me.

He's suspicious.

"I'm sorry but I couldn't stop myself from telling this to Armenia, Monica at Erin. We miss you so much! Galing pang US si Armenia at si Kahel galing pang France dahil alalang-alala siya sa 'yo..." Jarell says.

I saw Armenia next to Kahel. They both look uncomfortable with the presence of each other. I never knew what's happening between them and I'm still wondering but it's not my business to interfere but I miss our bondings together.

Monica and Erin are just talking. They seem pretty close than before. I smiled.

"Girls!" Jarell called.

Agad na napunta sa akin ang reaksyon nilang lahat. Nanlaki ang mga mata nila at nagsi-tayo mula sa waiting chair.

"Oh my goodness, after mong maka-recover ipapalamon ko sa 'yo ang buong restaurant namin!" Napatakip ng bibig si Monica habang mangiyak-ngiyak na nakatingin sa akin. "Bakit hindi ka nagsasabi? Ano pa't tinatawag mo kaming kaibigan kung wala kaming maitutulong sa 'yo? Tangina..."

We group hugged then tell each other some stories. They told me about their college life.

Jarell flirting with guys after her boyfriend cheated on her, Erin who's stressing out with his CEO boyfriend, Kahel and her settling for her boyfriend's superficial love, Armenia while she was at the US and Monica and her stressing journey to be a pharmacist.

It's crazy that a day before yesterday we only talked about our assignments, yesterday about our crushes, today about our careers and tomorrow about our future...

Time flies. Everything changes, so was I.

I wonder how's David. I miss him so much.

I felt empty when my friends left me. It's the similar atmosphere when I left David there crying on the floor with both of our hearts shattering. I felt empty.

"Ma, gusto ko pong magsimba... Gusto ko po sa simbahan na malaki, hindi sa maliit na simbahan ng Ospital na ito..."

I became more silent. More silent than before. Everyday I wake up with pain, not just physically but also emotionally.

It's so fucking painful.

Kaming dalawa na lang ni papa ang magkasama sa simbahan. Yesterday my mom flew to Dubai to work again because she needs more money for my chemotherapy sessions. Mas lalo akong nalungkot.

Inaalalayan na ako ni papa sa paglalakad. Ang dating Lynelle Chevan Centeno na taas noo palaging naglalakad mag-isa, hirap nang makahakbang kahit isa.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

Walang masyadong tao sa simbahan. Kakaunti lamang ang natatanaw kong nagdadasal.

I don't know if this will be the last time I will ever see a church, or the last time I pray. Because this might be the last time I wake up. Hope not. I still want to say goodbye for some people who's close to my heart.

I closed my eyes and prayed, hoping for the best.

Lord, sa araw na tuluyan niyo na po ang kunin... Kayo na po ang bahala sa mga magulang ko, sa mga kaibigan ko at kay David. Mahal na mahal ko po silang lahat. Sana po kung hindi ko man sila magabayan dahil kayo lang po ang may kakayahan no'n ay sana po bantayan po natin sila. Gusto ko pong manatili sa tabi nila pero kung hanggang dito na lang po ang oras na kaya niyo pong ibigay sa akin, tatanggapin ko.

Maraming salamat po sa mga araw na ibinigay niyo sa akin. Sa mga taong nagpasaya sa akin habang buhay ako. It's been a tough life for me and I couldn't complain because in this life I felt happy too. My heart always felt empty since I was a child but I'm glad I found family love on my friends and on David.

Please Oh God, please don't make him suffer too much. I love that guy with my whole heart and I would do anything for him to forget about me and continue with his life happily. I keeped his darkest secrets and he kept mine, I'm glad I met him in this lifetime.

And hopefully, I will meet those lovely people again in my next life. Please guide me through darkness. To my journey to next life.

Amen.

I felt a tear scaping from my eyes. It was a happy tear. I'm still thankful that I lived. As I opened my eyes, I saw a guy wearing a familiar shirt.

Am I hallucinating or this guy is really wearing my David's favorite dark green shirt?

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ko ang mukha nito. Side view lang ang natanaw ko at kahit malayo siya ay alam ko kung sino ito. Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali.

Did he see me? I have to leave!

Nasa harapan si David. He's kneeling and both of his hands are intertwined with each other. His eyes are both shut while muttering something. He's praying... and he's... crying. I tried to read what he's whispering.

Lynelle ko.

He said my name, I'm sure. He's praying, for me? He's begging, kneeling, crying in the church.

I tried to smile but I can't. Instead I just silently cried there while my lips our downwardly smiling. I sobbed so I covered my mouth.

I can't take this anymore. I might end up in his arms again if I keep being like this. I have to be strong. Not just for him but also to myself.

I love you, David Angelo. God knows how much I love you and I would risk everything for us to be in each other's arms again. Maybe next time? In our next life. I want to spend more time with you.

Nagpaalalay ako kay papa patayo habang walang tigil ang pag-iyak. Yumuko ako dahil ayaw kong makita ng mga tao ang namamagang mata ko kakaiyak. I covered my face with thick hair strands.

Nang matapos na ang first session namin, two weeks lang ay nagsimula nang mawala ang bawat buhok ko sa katawan. Including my eyebrows.

I'm so insecure. Whenever I look in other girls, I get so insecure. Their long hair, thick eyebrows and lashes... Lahat. Hindi naman malabong ipagpaliy ako ni David sa mga babaeng 'yan kasi ang gaganda nila eh.

Ang swerte ko nga at hanggat ngayon buhay pa ako. Iyon ang dapat kong ipagpasalamat... na nakikita ko pa ang mga magulang ko.

It was past midnight when mom called. Ngayon lang siya nakakatawag dahil ngayon lang natapos ang trabaho niya.

Tumayo ako para kunin ang cellphone ko na limang hakbang ang layo mula sa higaan ko. Nasa taas 'yon ng drawer ko. Patay pa ang ilaw kaya binuksan ko muna. Agad din akong napablik sa pagkakapikit dahil nasilaw ako sa liwanag.

"Ma..." It's almost a whisper.

"Nak..."

"Po?" tanong ko.

I'm still upset. Did they really thought their pity and efforts would make me forget about what they did to me all this time? Tsaka lang nila ako binigyang pansin noong nag-aagaw buhay na ako. Pero noon, hinihiling ko lang 'yan.

I always forgive, but I never forget. Nakatatak na sa isip ko lahat ng ginawa nila sa akin bata pa lang ako at hindi na nila 'yon maaalis.

"I-I'm sorry... Mama's sorry... I'm sorry..." She started crying on the other line.

Me, on the other hand, felt no emotion at all. It looks like I lost everything after I lost every strands of hair I have.

"It's okay," simpleng sabi ko. But no, it's not okay. I want to forget about it but I just can't. It ruined my whole system and it's breaking my heart to hear my own mother crying while apologizing to me about her actions before.

They leave me scar. Scar that can be opened again anytime but I was too numb to feel the pain.

All I can do now is to pray... and hope for a better tomorrow ahead.