Chapter 21

I hated the way she looked at me, as if I was a monster. The one that I’d kept hidden from her after the time she’d spent in the dungeon. I’d shoved the real me aside, thinking that she would forget about it.

How could she?

I took a nap after we had lunch, and then I went around town to do some business. She wanted to catch up with her friend Jen, her best friend. The thing loved the most about Adrianna was the fact she’s hardworking; she could have lounged around the house acting as if she was the queen of the castle, but from day one, she’d involved herself in helping around the house and more than once, she’d taken recipes from Lourdes so she could cook my favorite meals.

She may not have been Mexican, but she was more than a wife to me and I’d only known her for five weeks now.

Yet, the episode with Gold had completely changed us. It was as if we were the same two strangers again, and I had to figure out a way to change things, before they got even worse.

I couldn’t help who I was or the fact I believed what I had done was right. She didn’t have to agree with it and I sure as hell didn’t need her permission.

“Jefe, you busy?” Juan asked as he hovered by the door. I didn’t even know he was here. He had told me he was taking the day off to spend time with his new lady friend.

Then, I realized not only was Juan here, but Diego was, too.

I had a book open, a shot of bourbon by my side, but if someone asked me what I was reading, I couldn’t tell them. It was as if the book was on my lap for decoration. I’d tried taking a nap, but after ten minutes I found myself restless and not wanting to deal with anything, so I decided the best thing to do was to come down here to try and chill.

“Primo,” Diego said as he moved out of the shadow of Juan and entered the library. He was hesitant, as there was bad blood between us, starting from the moment I accused the team of stealing from me, and ending the moment he drove Gold to the hospital. One thing I admired about Diego was he always looked fresh, as if he’d had twenty-four hours sleep and was ready to go out and fight the world. He wore a black and gold jacket and had jeans in every color under the sun. He’d maintained his youth, unlike most guys in the business. They tended to start young and by the time they reached thirty, they looked twice their age. Looks were everything when it came to Diego. He was the son of a nurse and had learned so many things about health over the years. His mom was recruited to deal with facilities when the doctors couldn’t be reached. She was good at her job and I was sure if she sat down and took medical exams, she would pass them with flying colors.

“Primo,” I replied while putting the book at the side table and standing up. I stretched out my hand to shake his, usually as soon as he saw me, he would run into my arms and we would hug like the brother I never had. I was trying to fix things, but I was failing miserably.

He shook it, and then we stared at each other for a minute as he removed his sunglasses. His eyes were bright. No one would have guessed he’d spent nearly a week at the hospital trying to find out if Gold would live or die, then had accompanied me to visit Gold’s wife. Mainly, because Juan asked him to do it.

“We need to talk,” Juan said, breaking the silence.

I moved away from Diego and sat down. I knew I needed to finish my bourbon and most likely have another shot before hearing what they had to say and whatever was on their minds.

“Go on then, talk.”

Diego cleared his throat, and then sat down at the edge of the sofa, which was strange, maybe out of fear.

“This whole shit’s going down, it needs to stop before someone else gets hurt. Since Pa died, you’ve been acting all messed up. Get the funeral out of the way and get to business. First, you jet off to Sicily, which Juan didn’t even understand. Fuck, we both don’t. I mean what was it all about? You don’t even go to the office or anything, you hide in this tower and then call us to go fuck up Gold. For what? I mean, you’ve been calling him a prick for years. Now, his business is your problem cause of some chick.”

I flared up. “Steady on, Adrianna’s not some chick.” I hadn’t decided what she was exactly, or where we were going, but I had feelings for her, for sure. She kept me calm, at peace. This was my first drink in weeks, which was a big deal for me since Pa had died. I’d been drinking cognac as if it was water; every opportunity I had, it was in my hand and within seconds down my throat. Even Lourdes told me to slow down, which I’d been doing, not feeling the need to drink, but indulging instead in Adrianna’s body.

“Jefe, I went to Sicily with you, hoping you would lay this business with Pa to rest, but then you accused us of stealing and all this shit. It’s as if you don’t care. No one sees you anymore. Unless they come to the house, you’re not involved in the business anymore, it’s as if I don’t recognize you.”

I shook my head in my defense. “I didn’t accuse you of stealing…”

Diego blurted out, “The fucking gang, have you even checked your accounts? Is there any more money missing, 'cause since that day, I haven’t even heard you mention it. For all we know, you could have done a transfer and forgot about it because you were too busy being drunk or something. Everyone’s ready to quit, I think Marta has because I can’t reach her. Frank will follow soon; he’s answering calls but not as actively as he usually is. You know he still has a thing for her.”

I shot up and decided to pour myself another glass, I didn’t bother asking if they wanted a shot too because I had a feeling they would be leaving soon.

“Frank needs to start thinking with his head and not his fucking dick.”

Diego laughed. “Fucking rich coming from you, seeing as that’s all you’ve been doing lately. Walking around here like you’re on some honeymoon. You told us she would be here for only thirty days—he’s not listening, Juan. I told you this was a waste of time.”

I couldn’t believe not only was Diego giving up on me, but he was causing a rift between us, one I had a feeling couldn’t be mended.

“You need to stop fucking drinking, get some sleep, and put the past behind you. We have, we’ve forgiven you for it, and you have to do the same.”

I choked. “You’ve forgiven me? Tu? I don’t need your forgiveness, you’re the one who should be thanking me for not popping you. It’s as if you don’t know who’s boss anymore.”

Then I threw the glass at him, and he dodged it in time.

“I’m fucking out of here!” he said as he stormed out, as the glass started to scatter in the library.

“Good! Before I get my gun out!” I shouted at him, before finishing another shot and then turning my head to Juan waiting for him to say something.

Juan sighed. “Jefe, por favor get some rest and let’s bury Pa and put the past behind us; you’re breaking us all up. We forgive you, fuck we all had a hand in it. You don’t have to keep blaming yourself for it.”

“Shit Juan, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Since we went to Sicily, I heard from Vedova Nera twice, and she told me to get a girl. I did, and then she fucking disappeared, I can’t be bothered with all this shit, it’s doing my head in. I don’t know what’s going on.”

He sighed. “Vedova Nera knows…”

“Knows what?” I shouted. “What’s the big fucking secret?”

He opened his mouth, and then shut it again. Adrianna was standing by the door, she was in shock, not only by the broken glass, but by Juan’s reaction to everything.

“What happened here?”

Juan shook his head. “Nada. I need to get going, I’ll see you later, jefe, when you’re better.”

“Are you sick?” Adrianna asked me.

“Apparently so, I’ll clean up the mess as soon as I’ve had another drink. You better get going. I thought you’d already gone.”

“No, Jen said to meet later. I checked on you earlier, but you were in bed, so I caught up on my social media. Then I heard you guys and wanted to know what’s going on. Is this about Gold?”

I had to think for a second, what did she mean about Gold? Then, I remembered, and realized maybe Juan and Diego did have a point, I was forgetting things so easily, losing the will to try and amend the past and move forward. I needed to stop hurting the ones close to me or I’d end up alone.

“You better go. Otherwise, you’ll be late.”

She shrugged. “It’s okay, Ricardo. You can tell me you want to be alone. You don’t need to make up an excuse.”

And she was gone. I didn’t clear up the mess, I decided I should stop filling the damn glass and drink through the bottle. If Pa was here, he would know what to do. I was fucking alone, I’d experienced more pain in the last few weeks then I had in my whole lifetime, and I hated it. I hated what I’d become, and I didn’t know how to stop it.