CHAPTER 8

Even though we’d radioed Badger to let him know we were okay and, on our way back, we’re still greeted at the steps of the library by faces with varying degrees of expression, from relief to worry to anger. The anger from Sam is quite evident as we approach, and I feel like I’m doing the proverbial walk of shame. I know I have nothing to be ashamed about, but that doesn’t help the way he’s looking at me.

Gordon is the first to speak. “You guys went without us? Really? And you stayed all night?”

“Good morning to you all, too,” Luke responds with a huge grin on his face. I groan as I notice his expression. His look is the epitome of the “morning after sex” dude with his mysterious grin and fake cheerfulness. Is he doing this on purpose to irritate Sam? If he is, it seems to be working because Sam’s expression sours even more. I know he doesn’t like Sam much but come on. That’s something a sixteen-year-old kid would do, not a grown-ass man. And Sam’s not the only cranky one. Robyn is giving me so much side eye and shooting daggers. Girl obviously don’t believe in doing things half-assed. What’s that old saying? If looks could kill, I’d already be urn shopping for my ashes. Nope, that’s not right but something like that.

Badger glances back and forth between us with an expression of pure amusement. “Hope you got what you went for,” he drawls.

I cringe a little more as my cheeks flush. Christ, what’s wrong with me? We didn’t have sex. I shouldn’t be feeling this guilt. But just looking at Sam right now and knowing how much I would have jumped Luke’s bones at the slightest invitation from him, I feel as guilty as hell. I glance over at Luke, and he’s still grinning from ear to ear like he knows exactly what I’m thinking. The idiot.

“Yeah, we did.” I direct my answer to Badger and hold up my backpack. “We brought back as much food as we could carry and radioed Kip and let her know to be waiting for us outside the city.” I toss the backpack Badger’s way, and he catches it with a huff. “Want to start divvying it up? Everyone must be starving.”

“But you went without us. Why did ya do that?” Gordo is like a freakin’ broken record. I glare at him.

“Because you all needed the time to rest up.”

“Well, what about you and Luke? Didn’t you guys need to rest up as well?”

“Jesus, Gordo,” Mike responds, a smile tilting his own lips. “Sometimes, you can be so dense. Hard to believe we’re related.”

Gordon gives his brother a bemused look as Luke reaches over and tousles the boy’s hair.

“Don’t you worry your bushy little redhead about it, Gordo,” he answers before I can, giving him an exaggerated wink. “Bix and I… rested just fine. Didn’t we, Bix?”

I return his wink with an irritated raised brow. “Really, dude?” I switch my gaze back to the others. “We were caught in that hailstorm and got soaked to the bone. Nearly froze to death. Not the most restful of nights.”

“Yeah, but we managed to warm up nicely enough.” He leers at me, and I shake my head at him, hoping he gets the drift to shut the hell up. As if he knows he’s taken his little joke a bit too far, he lets it go.

“Good news, Gordo,” he says, switching his attention back to the kid so fast it almost gives me whiplash. “We spoke to Kip. Evie and everyone made it to the farm just fine. No losses.”

Gordon’s face sags in relief. Mine too, since the new topic seems to have diverted Gordo’s attention from our night out.

“That’s great.” Gordo smiles around at everyone. “You guys hear that? And did Kip say it was okay for all of us to come as well?”

“Yup. Take this.” Luke hands Gordon his backpack full of dried packets. “And go cook some of it up. Make sure everyone eats. We’ll be hitting the road shortly after.”

“Yes, sir,” Gordo responds, eager to forgive us deserting them now that he has news on Evie.

The others appear to lose interest as well at the mention of food, and they follow on Gordon’s heels back into the library. Sam lingers behind, ignoring Luke’s smirk as he strides by him. I, too, ignore Luke’s raised brow and his quiet laughter as he disappears inside, Robyn trailing him like a lapdog. Sam’s features are set in stone as I approach, but I do what I do best. I pretend nothing’s wrong.

“How’s Ames this morning?”

“She’s fine.”

“Has she asked about Liv yet?” I know it’s bound to happen sooner or later, and I’m feeling kind of guilty in secretly wishing Sam to be the one to deal with that dilemma.

“No.”

“Why is that, you think? She must know by now that something isn’t right since Liv isn’t here.”

“Don’t know.”

“Maybe we should have a talk with her. Bring it out in the open.”

“Yeah,” he says.

I cross my arms and narrow my eyes.

“Can you give me more than one syllable answers?”

“I can,” he responds. “If you answer some of my questions.”

I shrug. “I got nothing to hide. Shoot.”

“Did you fuck Whitman last night?”

I choke on my own spit.

“Jesus, Sam. Subtle much?”

“No subtle way to put that. You two sneak off together without telling anyone, stay away for the night, and come back this morning with Whitman looking like the cat that ate the canary.”

I know his question stems from jealousy. I understand that. Knowing that still doesn’t ease my annoyance.

“No, we didn’t fuck, to use your term. We got caught in a hailstorm and nearly froze to death. That’s what took us so long to get back. We had to at least dry our clothes the best we could or freeze to death before making it here. Luke was just yanking your chain, for some unknown reason. Does that answer your damn question?”

Sam doesn’t reply, but his light eyes stay glued to my face as if he’s still sensing a lie. My cheeks heat up at his perusal, even though I keep telling myself I have nothing to feel guilty about. Wanting desperately to jump Luke’s bones isn’t the same as actually doing it, right?

Finally, he sighs and drops his eyes. He runs a hand through his dark hair, sticking it up at odd angles.

“I’m sorry, Bix. I had no right to ask you that, and you have every right to tell me to go fuck myself. It’s none of my business. I know things aren’t the same between us anymore, as much as I want them to be. Until I know for sure that I’m okay… that I’m not a threat to you, I can’t give you the old Sam back. That doesn’t help the way I feel about you. Or the anger and jealousy that boils in my gut every time I see you two together. But that’s my problem, not yours. You’re a free agent. You can sleep with whomever you want. I have no say in the matter.” He turns to walk away, but I grab his arm.

“Sam, wait.” He turns back to me and shutters drop down over his eyes but not before I see the twin pools of hurt. “Luke is a good friend. He’ll always be my friend. Could our relationship have continued to be more? Maybe.” I think about my own question before nodding. “Definitely. But it wasn’t to be. I don’t know what will be. Maybe mine and his relationship will weather this storm. Maybe you and I will. I can’t predict the future, and I don’t want to. Right now, we need to think about everyone else. About Amy and Cookie and all the others. We need to get them to the farm safe where we can let our defenses down and take the time to grieve and heal. Once Amy realizes Liv and Coop are gone, she’s going to need us. Both of us. And I promise you this, no matter what happens with you, no matter what we find out after Jess tests you, I’ll be here for you. I’ll always be here for you. Got it?”

He nods and flashes me a smile, trying to hide his pain from me. “Got it.”

“Good.” I sigh in relief. “Now, why don’t we go inside and get some of that food before it’s all gone. Don’t know about you, but I’m starving.”

We fall in step and head inside the library, his hand on my back. We barely make it inside the door when a wail of anguish and grief hits us like a wall. Sam and I stare at each other in horror as recognition sets in. That scream belongs to Amy.

# # #

We take the stairs two at a time as Amy’s screams grow louder. What the fuck is happening?

Storming into the room, we find a wall of people with the shrieking coming from the center. Barreling our way through, I call Amy’s name, trying to let her know I’m on my way.

She’s sitting on the floor, her knees pulled up to her chest, banging her head against her knees, and emitting a wail sharp enough to bust an eardrum. Cookie and Jess hover over her, trying to calm her, but to no avail. Pushing Cookie out of the way, I grab Amy’s shoulder’s, preventing her from doing any more harm to herself as Sam plants his palms on her cheeks, attempting to pull her focus to him.

“Amy! Amy, look at me. What’s wrong?”

She ignores Sam’s question, still shrieking. I glance up at Cookie’s worried expression. “What the hell happened?”

Cookie’s mouth thins to a grim line. “She overheard that we were going to the farm instead of home since everyone at the Grand was… gone.”

I know Cookie substituted gone for dead, and I know Amy has finally made the connection. She knows about Liv and Coop. Dammit. We should have told her.

“Christ,” Sam mutters as he pulls her upright. She melts into him, her arms going around his waist like she’ll never let go. He strokes her hair, repeating over and over, “It’s okay, Ames. It’s okay. I’m here.”

Her wails finally subside to muffled sobbing as she buries her face into his chest. Just knowing she’s hurting rips my heart apart all over again, and I press hard on my eyes, trying to stop the damn tears from falling and wishing I could take away her pain. She didn’t deserve to find out this way. We failed to protect her from this. We failed her in so many ways.

I wrap my arms around her and Sam and kiss the top of her dark head. “I’m sorry, Ames. I should have told you. I’m so sorry.”

We stay that way for some time, just holding each other. Luke shoos everyone away, giving us some privacy, and I send him a look of gratitude. Amy’s sobs ebb away to sporadic hiccups as she calms down. Finally, she raises her face to look up at Sam. Her gray eyes, rimmed with red, are round and confused and glistening with tears. Some of the tears linger in her lashes, and one drips down her cheek. I reach out and gently brush it away.

“They said Liv died. And Coop, too. They’re gone, just like Daddy. Is it true?”

She sounds so broken. I bite my lip to stop from bawling.

Sam nods. “Afraid so, kiddo. Liv and Coop… died at the Grand when all that bad stuff happened there. That’s why we’re not going back.”

She blinks, trying to take in Sam’s words. “So, does that mean Liv’s in Heaven? With Daddy? That I won’t see her ever again?”

I swallow the lump in my throat. Sam’s sigh tells me he’s about to burst her bubble, and I interrupt before he can say anything. Let her have that small comfort at least.

“Not exactly, Ames. Liv is gone from the Grand, but that doesn’t mean you won’t see her again. She is in Heaven with your dad, waiting for all of us. And we’ll see her again someday. Maybe not soon.” Hopefully not soon. “But we will be together again. All of us.”

She sniffs and rubs her nose with the back of her hand. “Not being able to see her everyday makes me sad. She was my best friend.”

Oh, lord. I can’t take this anymore. My breath hitches in my chest, but I still manage to keep the tears inside. It reminds me of when we lost Sam all over again.

“I know. It makes me sad, too. But we’ll always have our memories of her, and she’ll always be in our hearts.”

Amy’s eyes widen. “That’s what you said about Sammy, and he came back. Maybe Liv will too, Bix. Maybe she’ll only be gone for a bit but come back home, just like Sammy did.”

Christ. Seriously? I said the same thing about Sam? Trust Amy to remember my exact words. I need to work on my sympathy speeches. Frantically, I search my brain, trying to think of a way to respond to this. What do I say? I suck at this shit. I’m grateful when Sam takes over.

“Afraid not, kid. I was only missing, remember? Liv is really gone, and she can’t come back, no matter how much you wish it. You just gotta have patience and wait to see her in heaven, like Bix said. So don’t be sad. Liv wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

She blinks. “Yeah, she never liked it when I was sad. She always made me smile.” She tilts her head and looks up at her brother. “I’m tired, Sammy. I want to lay down. Will you lay down with me?”

“Whatever you want, kiddo.” He kisses the top of her head before glancing at me. “I got this. Can you rustle us up some food for later? She’s going to need to eat before we hit the road.”

“Of course,” I say, glad he’s handling her so well. I don’t think I could do it in my agitated state. I watch them walk away to the cot in the corner before pivoting on my heel and heading straight for Luke. Anger brews in my gut, overriding the grief, and it must be plastered all over my face since Luke sees me coming and steps back, hands raised.

“Before you ask, I don’t know who let it slip. Could have been any of them. None of them are thinking straight right now, Bix. You can’t hold anyone responsible.”

“Twenty bucks it was that twat-waffle right over there.”

I point to Dom, and as if he knows I’m talking about him, he looks up and catches my glare. Not quite sure if it’s my imagination or not, but I swear he looks away to cover the glint of guilt in his eyes.

“Whatever. Let it go. It sucks that Amy found out that way, but she needed to know sooner or later. Sam handled it well. We need to focus on getting everyone ready for the trip. It’s not going to be easy keeping all of them protected. We don’t have enough guns, but it really doesn’t matter. Most of them have never even held one before, let alone shot one. But they are going to need some form of protection. Morley and his crew are digging up what they can find. Knives, hammers, axes, anything that may give them a fighting chance if we come across a horde.”

I tamp down my anger, focusing on Luke’s words. He’s right. I never even thought about that aspect of it. Kip’s trucks will only be able to meet us halfway. They don’t have enough battery power to travel farther, so we’ll be on our own for three or four days at least. Anything can happen in three days out there. We learned that the hard way so many times.

“Morley and Tina and the others are going with us?”

“Yup. Seems so. They don’t have a choice, really. The city’s supplies have depleted to nothing. At least the farm offers them some sort of chance to start over.”

“A chance to start over,” I whisper as my eyes seek out Sam and Amy huddling in the corner. “I hope that statement applies to everyone, Luke.”

He follows my gaze. “Everyone who’s not infected, yes.”

I glare at him. “We don’t know anything yet.”

“No, we don’t, but the deal still stands. We hide nothing from Kip, and we get him tested as soon as we’re able. If anything seems out of whack with his results, he needs to go. You know that. Not to mention, what the hell is going on with Amy? I hope we get to the bottom of that, too. I’m hoping it’s nothing more than a combination of a vivid imagination and shock.”

I pray Luke’s right, but he didn’t witness what I did. Some kind of connection existed between Amy and that queen leech, and I’m convinced she’s the only reason I’m alive right now. I’m sure of it. Like Luke, I’m determined to get to the bottom of this if it’s the last thing I do. Things were bleak enough for Sam and possibly out of my control. There’s no way I’m throwing Amy under that same bus as well. No way in hell.