Chapter Nineteen ~ Past Lives-2

I did, I really did. But if he knew the truth, he'd know who I really was. And there was no way we'd have this fragile connection when he found out. But, the thing was, it didn't feel fragile. When we kissed or touched it didn't feel like things would fall apart at any moment. That one secret alone would be enough to destroy the rush I felt from the moment we connected. Maybe I could start small. It could start tomorrow, even. I'd been thinking over how I'd get to the party. With Penelope home in the morning, I couldn't exactly pretend to live at her complex. "I'll be alright," I said, almost forgetting that his question was still hanging in the air. "Will food help?" he asked. I smiled, rising from my spot and entering the kitchen. His hands were covered in flour, still kneading the dough on the benchtop. I came up behind him, wrapping my arms around his torso and resting my cheek on the back of his sweater. I felt his back muscles roll as he shaped the pizza base. "Are you ready for tomorrow?" he asked. I could feel his voice vibrate through the back of his ribcage. "Physically, yes," I said. I screwed my eyes shut. What if Cole did dump Penelope and she resorted to exposing me? This could be a real problem—trapped in a room with Penelope and Felix, someone who knew all my secrets and someone who might never forgive me if he did. "You know, I feel a little the same," he said. "I'm not really a big fan of Penelope's birthday parties." "She does this every year?" "Yeah. Last year it was the roaring twenties, and the year before that secret forest. It's like high school prom wasn't enough. Her and Cole went crazy trying to win prom king and queen, and I think Penelope's still riding on that high." "And Cole?" He laughed lightly. The sound was nice. "I think he'd rather move on from the high school glory days." Considering he was seeing someone else, it seemed he'd definitely moved on from any feelings for Penelope, at least. It sounded as if he were about to continue his sentence. He took a deep breath, and then shook his head slowly. "What were you about to say?" He turned, careful to hold his hands upwards so he wouldn't get flour on me. "Penelope has ways of getting under people's skin," Felix said. He was looking at me so intently I felt I might break beneath the scrutiny. "I need you to know that." I gulped. "Should I be scared?" My voice wavered. If Felix noticed how uncomfortable I was, he didn't show it. "Just don't get on her bad side." Again, I was thrown into the catastrophic idea that Felix knew more than he should. I wanted to panic, but also the way he was looking at me told me he wasn't about to call me out and throw me under the bus. "How well do you actually know her?" I asked. Did he even know what she was really capable of? "I know her better than I'd like," he said. He dodged me so he could go to the sink and wash his hands. "What are you saying?" I asked, an edge of humor to my voice. "I mean, not in that way, but she likes to... control people. Especially people around Cole." I knew that already, of course, I was one of her puppets. But...was Felix? "That's toxic." "Uh-huh." He was pulling things out of the fridge now—vegan cheese, a bag of spinach, artichokes, and tomato sauce. Of course he was prepared for this. He always seemed to have a meal planned and food for me in there. For the first time in the last few months I felt like I wasn't completely alone. Ella was like me. Felix knew what Penelope was like. But would it be enough? Not with the secrets I was harboring. "Let's not talk about that anymore, though," Felix said with a kind smile. He paused his food-prep to walk to me and wrap me in his arms. I felt his lips against the top of my head. "It's in the past." But, it was still my present. Penelope's pay check had come through for the week, but she was still yet to reply to me since I sent her the photo. As far as I knew, she was done with me, and if she was done with me, then I was in trouble. "Come on, help me put these toppings on, I'm trying so hard to impress you here." After dinner and a shower shared with Felix, I curled up beside him in his bed, a candle flickering on his bedside table, reminding me of the night we'd shared in the Kensington beach house. Maybe this was the last night we'd share forever, if everything backfired tomorrow night. I closed my eyes and took in the scents and sounds of Felix and his bedroom, tracing patterns on the smooth skin of his chest and planting a kiss on his shoulder. I was quite possibly the most selfish girl in the world, but thinking about it, I'd never felt this reckless before. Like it was worth losing everything—worth the destruction that would inevitably come—just to share another moment as intimate as this. Growing up, I'd never felt safe or truly loved. Felix noticed when I was lost in my thoughts. He thought of things I didn't know I needed, whether it was a distraction from my reality or just to warm my hand beneath the lecture tables. I don't think anyone's ever thought about me like that. Don't cry, Joselyn. Don't cry. I leaned forward and kissed him deeply, feeling his full lips open beneath mine as he grinned, his hand slowly trailing the length of my spine and pulling the back of my thigh so I was wrapped against him. "I hope you know you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," he murmured as his hands stroked my curls and his eyes locked mine in a trance. "If you tell me that again I might have to stay here forever," I whispered. He was too much—too perfect—for this to ever work. But for now, I wanted to bask in it, to take every moment and etch it into my mind, my soul. Deserving or not.