Chapter 181 Hazy and dazed

Chapter 181 Hazy and dazed
CHAPTER 181
Hazy and dazed.
REID
__
“I was carnivorous about love. I ate love to the ankles – Dionee Brand.”
__

“I think he understands you; he’s only processing everything,” Ivy tells Saint softly.

I am definitely processing everything. I thought I had it all figured out, but I didn’t. I was wrong about everything, and I am not sure what to do.

“Let me tell you what I told Reid, then I am going to leave you boys alone to figure it out yourselves. You have conversations you need to have on your own. I can only nudge you in the right direction, after all.” She articulates profoundly. “You have been trying to quit for the wrong reasons, Saint, and so has he. I understand that you love each other and you are both rooted in each other, but this is something you have to do for yourselves. Quitting substances has to be because you want to, not because you think Reid wants you to.” 

“Can’t it coexist?” Saint glances at me, linking our hands together. His hands are warm in mine, sending shivers down my spine. I hold on to him tight, a little desperate even.

“I know it looks like it can coexist, but ultimately, Saint, the motivations are wrong. You cannot quit because of someone else. You cannot quit because you are scared he will leave you. These cannot be your reason for quitting. You have to sit with yourself, think about everything and decide if it is time, if you are ready to quit. I know with the pressure of your addiction being in the open, after hiding it for years, you might think there is a time constraint, but there really isn’t, not now. We are willing to wait for as long as you need to get there yourself, and something tells me you are close.” She declares, determination in her words. 

“So, not for him, but for me.” Saint sighs, running his thumb over my wrist. 

“Yes, Saint, for you. You have been through so much.” She nods and turns to me. 

“I know you are probably thinking OCD isn’t as serious as his active addiction. You’ve said this to me before.” She gives me a pointed look, and I nod slowly.

“It is serious. It has affected every aspect of your life. You need to retrace your steps, to your childhood, before your mother died, to the religious trauma you’ve buried, and you have to decide to stop. I could tell you how controlling every single aspect of your life isn’t going to work, but you already know that. You know the basics, so let’s wrap up the theoretical aspect. Let’s get physical now.” She tells me gently. “I believe in you. You have the heart, and I am here if you ever get overwhelmed.” 

With that, she ends the call abruptly, and I blink, as if I have been thrown into a whirlpool and left to drown. Safe to say I am more than overwhelmed.

We glance at each other slowly, and I don’t know what to say. 

“I’m sorry I was an asshole to you.” I decide, because I really am sorry. “I was worried that you’d hurt yourself in the game, but you obviously know what you are doing. I am sorry about everything. Seems stuffing everything in isn’t a good way to go.” 

“Yeah,” he laughs sheepishly and scratches his head. “I shouldn’t have said those words to you. I’m sorry, Reid.” 

We fell back into silence, Ivy’s words sitting between us like a third person, like an elephant in the room. I feel it press down on my chest, and it is the last thing I want to think about. How am I supposed to fix my motivations? How am I supposed to love him right, and at the same time choose to heal for myself, not him? It is all shades of complications. What if I’m not ready to let go? What if, for a little bit, I want to hold on to my obsessions?

“I know we have so much to talk about,” Saint says, and I nod.

“But do you want to fuck instead?” He asks cautiously.

My mouth twitches, and I exhale deeply because the burden of deciding has been taken off my shoulders. 

“Yes, please.” I nod, eagerly. 

He laughs at my expression and gets up. “Give me a moment. I have to take a quick shower and wash away the funk from playing.” He kisses me firmly and rushes into the bathroom. 

We can talk about it after sex.

I stand up and look around the bedroom. It is a mess. I change the sheets while he bathes, fluff the pillows and do it all over again. Then, I arrange my desk. I let down the curtains, leaving gaps for the moonlight to seep through. I make sure the soundproof click is on, and wait for him to come out.

The bedroom is dark except for the thin strip of light under the door. I strip out of my clothes and wait for him in my briefs.

He comes out as soon as I am done, and smiles at me. He is on me immediately, his mouth, hard and soft, on mine. He kisses me as if he is trying to crawl into my lungs, and I let him. I open myself to him. Sex has always been easy between us; it is the one place where we switch places without too much ceremony. He licks into my mouth, and I hold on to his shoulder, kissing him back.

I taste the residual sharpness of whatever he took before the game, the leftover adrenaline still in his body, the fights we had, and the mint of our toothpaste. My back hits the mattress, and he follows me down. My cock presses hard between us, and a groan slips from my mouth.

He bites the hinge of my jaw, then lower, teeth scraping the side of my neck hard enough to leave a hickey. 

“Oh, baby.” I groan, rough and hungry.

I yank down my brief and my cock springs free, hard and leaking against my stomach. His dark gaze drops to it, and he smiles, covering my body with his. My heart stutters when I feel his skin hot on mine, his heavy cock pressing against my lip. My breath stutters. He is solid, warm, trembling and all mine. I run my hand up his back, and feel his muscle shift. He grinds down once, and a broken groan leaves my mouth. His cock slides against mine, fucking unholy as precum smears between us.

“Saint, you’ve got to fuck me.” I practically beg him, pushing into him. 

He kisses me hard, his tongue sweeping into my mouth while his hand fists in my hair, and pulls my head back so he can lick my collarbone. He licks his way down, finds my nipple and bites it hard. The sensation goes straight to my cock, which jerks against his. 

“Ah.” My eyes burn with tears of frustration, and my knees weaken.

He doesn’t let me up. Instead, he works his way down my stomach, leaving hot kisses, scraping with his teeth until he has my cock in his wet mouth, so deep I can feel the back of his throat. 

“You’re killing me.” I spread my thigh wider and look at him, hazy and dazed.