Chapter 180 Worthy of your love.

Chapter 180 Worthy of your love.

CHAPTER 180

Worthy of your love.

SAINT

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“Do we simply stare at what’s horrible and forgive it?”

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I have been awake for about an hour, staring at the ceiling, overwhelmed. It feels as if someone placed a boulder on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. It must be attached to the base of my skull because I feel like shit. The heaviness keeps spreading through me, like insects under my skin, moving through my veins as if they’ve found their own ecosystem.

I stay in bed until I cannot take it anymore. Reid is my boyfriend, and I was an asshole to him. I want us to stay together, but if he wants to break up with me, he might as well do it to my face. I get out of bed and walk to his bedroom. I knock and push open the door without waiting for his response.

He is in the bedroom, but he is on a video call with Ivy. His eyes widen when he sees me.

“Hi.” He whispers, and the pressure seeps out of me slowly.

“I can come back.” I glance at Ivy.

“Actually,” she stops me. “If you both don’t mind, I think a joint session would do some good.”

“Together.” Reid frowns at her and looks at me. “Do you mind?”

This is good, right? Fixing our relationship together is a good thing, right?

I nod, and lock the door behind me. He always locks his door, but he didn’t tonight, as if he was waiting for me to come. He always leaves room for me, even when I have been the biggest asshole to him.

“How are you feeling now?” She smiles at me.

“Like shit.” I take the seat beside him, and his scent floods me. My cheeks colour because I definitely smell bad. I didn’t bathe after the match. I got home and fell asleep immediately. I always prefer to sleep off my low, or else I become an asshole like I was to him.

“I’m sorry about that. Reid told me about your fight, about the words you exchanged. Do you want to tell me anything about it, from your perspective? It’ll help to narrow this down easily and solve the issue.” She suggests, and frowns at me. “You do want to solve the issue, right?”

“Yes, I do., I answer quickly, avoiding looking at him.

She nods, pleased, and waits for me to fill the gap. I pull myself together and tell her about what happened before the match, the way withdrawal hit me so hard, the way I saw my Dad for the first time since Vegas, the way Jace’s face morphed into his, the way I couldn’t do it, and had to use. Then, the aftermath – Reid finding me in the bathroom, the disappointment in his words, the game, and after the game.

“Tell me about his disappointment. How did that make you feel?”

I exhale and glance at my hands, running my finger over his name etched on my ring finger. “I don’t like letting him down, especially when there is so much on the line. He is putting so much on the line to be with me. I let him down, and I hated myself for it, so yeah, I lashed out because I wasn’t ready to face it then.”

She doesn’t respond, and neither does he. I feel raw, as if I’ve been rubbed with sandpaper and left to prune in the shower. I push away my discomfort and turn to him.

“I didn’t mean anything I said, well, not really. I know it …” I grit my teeth and sigh.

“Look, I know it is a big deal being with me. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, which is why I suggested we break up in Vegas. I have tried all my life to be less of a burden to everyone in my life, and it is different now, because you have chosen to stay with me, despite everything you know about me. I am in constant awareness that I have to be worthy of that choice, worthy of your love and faith in me. So, when you saw me in the bathroom, using, I was disappointed in myself, hated my weakness so much, and lashed out at you. I’m sorry.”

“Worthy of … what? What do you mean worthy of my love?” He looks tortured. My heart breaks even more at the rings around his eyes.

“Well, loving an addict is hard, you know.” I shrug, trying to play it cool.

“You said that, you did, not me. Loving anyone is hard. Look at Clark and Chloe; their relationship has issues too. Allie and Bodhi do not know what to do. Blake and Birdy are a whole different thing. Look at my Dad and my mom -- he cannot move on after losing her. Loving is hard, in general. This is not specific to you, Saint. When you love someone, you are signing up for hardship, for vulnerability and the possibility of being abandoned, but we choose to do it anyway, and that is what makes it special.” His breath hitches, and the words come out ragged.

“Fuck, Ivy, you are right.” He groans, running his hands through his hair in frustration.

I am confused.

He turns his chair towards me, takes my hand firmly and murmurs. “Have you been trying not to use because you want to be worthy of my love?”

My cheeks flush. I haven’t thought about it that way, but obviously yes.

“Hm.” I nod, biting my lip.

“Shit, baby, why would you do that? You have nothing to be worthy of. You do not have to earn my love. I love you. I loved you in Vegas. I loved you on the field this evening. I love you now. I mean, you piss me off more than anyone ever has, but you are the only person I have ever loved. I thought I was in love with Chloe, but that is nothing compared to what I feel for you. You have opened a new dimension of love in me. I will always love you, even if you stab me in the chest. Why the hell do you think you have to earn my love?” His hand move to my cheek, and his grip tightens.

My lungs constrict hard, and my eyes burn.

“Because you have been shrinking yourself too.” I accuse, glaring at him.

“What?” He frowns, brows knitting.

“I know you are working on your OCD, but you really aren’t working on it; you’re avoiding it, pretending it doesn’t exist. You arrange your room only twice a day; you don’t ask questions whenever I zone out; you don’t even try to follow me on walks. I know, to you, it seems as if you are giving me space, not controlling me, but to me, it feels as if you are pushing me away, as if you are avoiding everything. So, what was I supposed to do? You had so much shit going on, and I didn’t want to pile more on it, so yes, while you were hiding, I was trying to be less of a burden, because I love you too much to lose you.” I whisper the confession in the space between us.

Then, blink, heat spiking through my body like pins and needles. “Does that make sense? Do you understand? I feel like the words are all jumbled up, but do you at least understand what I am trying to say?”