Chapter 45 A hard time deciding
Celine’s POV
“Is that what you feel?” Lila asked.
We’d gone over this countless times in just these moments, going back and forth, finding loopholes in my decision.
I didn’t even know if I should call it a decision, because even if I’d told Lila it was my choice, I had doubts. It was conflicting—something in me wanted to go with the flow, but another part didn’t.
And I couldn’t choose either path.
If I chose one, then I betrayed the other. But neither felt worthy of betrayal.
“I know what I feel,” I said. “And I’ve been… I’ve been suppressing it.”
“You have doubts, don’t you?”
I shouldn’t admit that. I didn’t nod or shake my head.
Then I noticed her eyes were wet. I thought this was my burden to carry, so why did she look as though I was making a decision for her?
“It’s all because I believe a connection exists between us. I’m tired of denying it.”
“Is this your way of running from your fears? Accepting whatever comes to you like there’s no other choice?”
“I’m not running from my fears… they’re always with me. Accepting Tristan has nothing to do with my fears—they’d still haunt me.”
“I told you to avoid him… I told you he’s no good for you.”
“You did, but I don’t know that.”
“You don’t believe me? You don’t trust my judgement?”
“It’s not about your judgement.”
“I know him better than you do. You don’t know him.”
For the first time with her, I began to doubt whether to trust her or not. I thought I’d gone past that, but I had to re-evaluate her all over again.
I furrowed my brows. “How does my acceptance of Tristan affect you?”
“Because I care,” she shot back quickly.
“Is it just about care?”
“Celine? What else would it be?”
“Who knows?”
I turned toward the door, but she caught my arm. “You don’t care to listen to me?”
“I’m doubting if I do.”
Regret hit me the moment those words left my lips. They hit her even harder. She let go and sank onto the bed.
“I didn’t mean to,” I said.
“I understand you don’t trust me.”
“I do trust you—at least I did… but you’re being too vague.”
“I’m being too vague?”
“Yes.”
“Okay… I’ll tell you. It’s about your parents.”
“So what about them?”
She inhaled as though the truth was trapped inside her, studying my expression.
“Please don’t leave me in this darkness. I deserve to know…”
“Your parents were killed by werewolves.”
Silence settled between us. She stepped closer and held my hand as she waited for my reaction. But it didn’t feel like new information—not exactly. Not because anyone told me. But if a werewolf I once called my lover could betray me, then much could be said about my parents’ fate.
“Isn’t that obvious?”
Her face twitched. “They killed your parents and made you see them in that horror state.”
“I thought as much.”
“Aren’t you concerned about that?” she asked.
“Is there something else I need to know?”
“You… you don’t seem bothered? They murdered your parents.”
“And not a single day passes without me seeing it again. But I already knew filthy werewolves killed my parents.”
“I know, but—”
“You think I’m not concerned because I haven’t shed a tear?”
“No, but you should be careful with them—with someone like Tristan.”
She couldn’t mean that this was all she’d been hiding. There had to be more. But if she refused to speak, I couldn’t dig it out of her.
“I should be careful with werewolves,” I said. “I should avoid Tristan because he’s a werewolf. Is that all?”
“Kind of.”
“Or is there something more?”
“Uh… nothing. I just need you to stay safe.”
“But you’re also a werewolf. Shouldn’t I be careful with you too? Maybe I should avoid you.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“That answers the question.”
I walked out. She didn’t try to stop me, though I felt her gaze lingering. Maybe she called my name; if she did, I didn’t hear. Even if I had, I wouldn’t have turned around.
Back in my room, I couldn’t stop thinking about Tristan.
And I couldn’t stop thinking about Lila’s concern. There was a lot to admit—to admit she was right, but I still wanted to step into the chaos. To admit nothing good could come from Tristan.
But I didn’t care anymore.
I didn’t care about internal validations. And in this case, I had both validations and invalidations, none heavier than the other.
“Celine.” Lila opened my door.
“I thought we were over this?”
“I’ve come to terms with you,” she said. “I should understand you better and accept whatever you decide for yourself.”
“Is that so?”
It came out faster than I intended. I didn’t know whether to believe or doubt her. She wouldn’t pretend to accept my decisions when she had nothing to gain… right?
But her care had never been about gain.
“I want to believe your instincts,” she said.
“So you came here to tell me that?”
“I have this habit of taking a stroll after heavy conversations, just to clear my head.”
“But we can’t leave.”
“Oh.” She smiled. “I talked with Alpha Tristan, and he said it’s fine if you come with me. It’s not like last night.”
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We were outside the palace, and for the first time, I saw the Blightmoon Pack properly. From the palace grounds, the noise grew louder—people moving in every direction.
It felt like I had been here before.
The setting was familiar, but I couldn’t grasp the memory.
Was it the air? The way people spoke?
Even the guards’ black-and-white uniforms tugged at something deep inside my memory. But that didn’t mean much—uniforms could be similar across different places.
“You see this pack,” Lila said. “I never thought of leaving since my secret was safe.”
“Your secret?”
“Everyone has secrets.”
“Like the ones you’re keeping from me?”
She let out a forced chuckle. “Not that. This is about me. But it’s not important.”
“Okay.”
I still didn’t know why she suddenly wanted to take a stroll. There had to be a reason.
We walked until there were no guards in sight.
“I never thought of leaving,” she said. “But sometimes conditions force you into choices you don’t want to make, right?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your decision might be because you feel you have no choice.” She took my hand. “We could leave, and Tristan wouldn’t be able to find us.”