Chapter 112 Leaps of Faith

Chapter 112 Leaps of Faith
"Easier said than done, but you can't base your decisions on fear of what the other person may or may not want to or can't handle." She sighed and squeezed Lydia's hand. "Sometimes... you have to take a leap of faith and... deal with whatever happens at the end." 
"I'm tired," Lydia whispered. "I'm... so tired of leaps of faith."
Aegis, art, lawyer after lawyer for Quillan. Yes, it had all led her to this villa, living with two amazing, supportive women, it had gotten her brother free, and yet...
"Then, maybe you should work on that."
Lydia flinched, trying to pull her hand away, but Dani held tighter. Lydia opened her eyes to meet Dani's. No anger, but a gut-wrenching compassion. 
"I..." She cleared her throat. "I understand that it's a lot to ask. You've been carrying it alone for... years. Hiding it. Pushing through it. Coping in ways that weren't healthy, but got you through another day. Running forward when all you wanted was to sit down and... not."
Heat welled in her eyes, pressing from behind her nose as tears steamed down Lydia's face. The understanding in Dani's eyes as she came closer. 
"And maybe you had people there to ask, but you never had the words to tell them. Couldn't bare to have them look at you different. Couldn't bare to... infect them with that pain."
Lydia shook her head, fighting the urge to run. Dani scooted closer, taking the bowl of ice cream away and pulled her into her arms, forcing her there when Lydia tried to pull away and squeezing tight. 
"You haven't even found the words for yourself. You've tried to move on and act like... it doesn't affect you, like there are bigger things to deal with. Distratcted yourself, reaching for something else that would fill that gaping, bleeding wound."
Lydia sniffled. "Sh-Shut up."
"There's not enough paint, Lydia."
Lydia screwed her eyes shut and shook her head. "Shut up."
"There's not enough... cooking, either."
Lydia sniffled and lifted her head, hope and agony twined together.
"There's not enough... math." Dani's lips twitched. "Or ribbon to tie, or cards to write, or markers or charcoal, or ignored hunger... There's not enough to fill the holes life and circumstances have left in your heart. You can't even start if you don't acknowledge, at least to yourself, that it's there. You can't punish it out of you or bleed it into your art. You have to deal with it."
"Have you..." Lydia swallowed. "What do you... know?"
"Nothing, but I suspect a lot... Reign suspects a lot more. And we're both around and here and willing to help."
"I... I shouldn't ask, but..."
"You want to know if either of us has experienced anything like it."
Lydia grimaced. "That's so fucked up."
"You're reaching for connection, a way to say it without having to explain. That's just human, Lyd'." Her voice cracked. "It hurts. You don't want to be alone with that pain. That's not fucked up, and it's not wishing bad on anyone."
Lydia shuddered through a whimper. The words pressed down her guilt, but it didn't go away.
Dani hushed her. "I can't speak for Reign. As for me, my... issues don't take the same shape I suspect yours do."
Lydia sniffled, shuddering under the rush of relief. 
"For one... I loved my Dad, and I never knew my mother."
Lydia stilled.
"I never knew my grandparents on either side... I didn't have a sibling to grow up with the way you did, and I don't have the age gap Reign has with her siblings, so I don't have the elder sister vibe the way Reign does."
"You feel like more and less of an older sister."
She laughed. "My younger, half-brother and sister can't hold a candle to either of you. It's sad."
"Thanks... to be fair they sound like total assholes."
"They are, so are their parents." Dani stroked her hair. "You have time to figure out how and what you want to disclose to who and when. And if Dorian is worth his salt... he'll want to hold your hand while you finally take a moment to untangle it all. Trust him at his words."
"And if not?"
"I've got Mace and Ani' on speed dial for a friendly intervention."
"Should call Reign."
"No, he might actually get killed and then there goes the Centurion legacy. We call her in only if absolutely necessary."
Lydia laughed and nodded. "She really would kick his ass... She's so fucking scrappy. Why is she like that?"
"She's got a lot of rage to work out. You should see her in kickboxing."
Lydia's jaw dropped, and she pulled back. "There's kickboxing on the island?"
Dani grinned. "There is very little that you could want to do that you can't find on Fortuna."
Lydia nodded and dropped her gaze, nodding. "... you're telling me to go to therapy, aren't you?"
"I'm telling you to do something that will help you before you end up drowning yourself in it."
Lydia swallowed. "Do you... think one of you could come with me?" She cleared her throat. "I just... Someone to block the door maybe?"
Dani nodded. "You decide when and we'll get a security escort together."
She laughed and pulled back, nodding. Dread crept through her, hope nibbled at the edges.
She hissed. "No!" She scooped up her bowl and pouted looking into her bowl. "Ice cream soup."
Dani snorted and took the bowl. "Sounds like a giant unhealthy shake to me."

She could admit she was nervous. The woman sitting across from her, a Dr. Rebekah Whitmore, or Dr. Beka, was nice enough with a pleasant smile. It helped that she was Black and reminded her a little of her mother from the glints of grey in her curly hair to the softness of her face. 
Dr. Beka wore a sundress with little sunflowers dangling from her ears. Reign and Dani had helped her find her office in L.A., taken the ferry, and registered for their own therapy sessions with Dr. Beka' sisters: Dr. J, for Jezebel, and Dr. E for Esther. The sisters had all smiled, amused when they came out to collect the three of them, Lydia first because she was the most likely to bolt. 
Dr. Beka's office was splashed in color and scented with jasmine and lavender. The windows were open, letting light fill the room. The space was bright and open, and not at all what she was expecting. 
"Can I offer you anything?"
Lydia shook her head, looking out the window over the sparkling ocean. This office had to be pricey, pretty. The fact that the sisters were 'in-network' per Jane meant they had some connection to the 
"What brings you in Lydia?"
She swallowed, and twisted her shirt hem. 
"I..." Lydia shut her eyes. "I really want to be... whole."
Her jaw trembled. 
"When you say whole... what do you mean by that?"