Chapter 93

"No, don't say that. You are not dead, you are alive. We can work this out, please Olivia, don't do this now" he pleaded, holding his wrist.

She turned to face him. She missed a heartbeat and then another. It was weird that the way she felt towards Chester had not changed. Looking at him, she still longed for him like they were in college.

"No, no, no Chester, I disagree" she objected, shaking her head.

He took her other hand, looking into her eyes. "Let me be honest with you. I said goodbyes to you a long time ago, but it still cuts deep. I still can't think of you without wishing we never parted. I still can't think of you without feeling guilty. I still can't think of you without feeling like I'm suffocating. The beautiful moments crowd my memory, but it's not long after they bring unwanted invitations to the heartache cycle continues. Loving you is like Deja Vu, I know I won't be able to love another without remembering you."

She could not help but laugh. "What? Did you not plan to say this to Harlow?"

"I say this every year to the beach on your death anniversary" he confessed, looking away.

"What?" She whispered, staring at him in shock.

"Your death still hunts me. I tell myself, if only I had not gone for that meeting, if only I contacted you, if only I sent that message, if only, you would not have fallen for Harlow's tricks"

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, suddenly recalling a podcast she had listened to on their way to Dradevows. The lady's voice was fierce and her message was like a sword piercing her heart. She felt every word that came out of her mouth.

Standing before Chester, her words began to make sense to her:

"The most toxic and destructive kind of love is the kind of love that isn't reciprocated. The type of love you lose yourself trying to keep them together. When your heart is big, you find yourself attaching yourself to people who need saving, to people who are broken in hopes you can heal them. In hopes, you could be the one who shows them their worth. No amount of energy you put into this toxicity will ever be worth your sanity or your ability to give someone your heart that deserves to love you. We confuse love with lust a lot and attach love to almost everything in hopes of filling the void we've longed to fill within ourselves. Don't ever lose yourself trying to fight for "love" that only exists to you. Stop finding reasons to hold onto hopes that love might visit because you're sure they will love you with time. Some people don't deserve the love you give. You won't need to fight to make your love noticed; when you find your soul's match, you won't ever need to second guess that love because it's the kind of love that will be instantly reciprocated."

Her kids were right, for the past 6 years, she lost herself trying to fight for love. She lied to herself that she needed to seek revenge but the truth is that she missed Chester. For over 2 years after the incident, she kept finding reasons to hold onto Chester, she wanted to believe she was wrong and Chester was right.

Although, Chester had confessed that he had nothing to do with her death but something still felt odd. He may not have killed her but he lived through the years like her absence was all he needed. Staying with him also proved that fact.

"Chester....I don't believe you. No matter how I think about it, we cannot be together. I know I missed you but we can't be together. You don't understand that I've lived the years telling myself that you murdered me, you are evil, cruel, and wicked. I said a lot of things about you to myself and I don't think I can lay next to you and look at you like Chester, the man I met some years ago"

"You love me, Olivia. It's a truth you've never wanted to accept. Why do you think Harlow was suspicious of us? Because it was obvious, we could all see it. Accept that truth!"

"How many years must we put between us to prove we are no longer in love? How many summers and Septembers, distractions and chance meetings, remnants of our sad, hopeful love in another's look, an all too familiar gesture. how long do we go on dragging our bodies day after day through this yawning, yearning world, searching for a glimpse of what could have been? How long, Chester Perkins?!" She shouted as the tears she was holding back swiveled down her cheeks.

"After all this time, my love for you burns constant and true, my guiding light, my morning star. Time is a testament to the relentless, unyielding power of this old, ancient love. A love I will carry with me, from eons to oceans to inches, back to you."

"Chester, stop! Stop, please"

"Tell me there has been someone else like me, for you. That your experience of love has not been defined by the way I spoke your name into the hollow of your neck, read you poems, took you on dates, cooked together, messed her face with flour while baking. Tell me there has been someone else like me for you and I will leave this moment."

She sobbed instead.

"Look at me, Olivia Perkins, and tell me you do not love me, I promise I will leave and never come back to you again. I will get married to Harlow and your existence will be another miraculous recovery in history. Tell this to my face, Olivia" he commanded.

"Falling in love with you was easy! She shouted immediately he was done. there was nothing complex about the way you were ready to embrace me. I fell in love with the way you helped gather pieces of my soul, the way you held my hands and craved me in ways I always praised. I....."

"Olivia, do you love me?" He repeated, holding her face to look at him. "No, you don't have to feel bad about saying no. I will leave. We shall separate peacefully. I will get my Attorney and we will officially sign the divorce papers. All I need now is your response, Olivia, for the last time, do you love me?"

"I love you!" She confessed, with her eyes closed and a few droplets of tears flowed down her cheeks. "I've always loved you, Chester. I love you so much that I risked everything just to meet you. Do you know how I got when we first met in the mall? Do you have any idea how my heart longed for you when I saw you around Adriana? I love you, Chester, I have always loved you"