Chapter 72 Darkness
I don't remember making it home. I just followed my feet and somehow ended up in my bed. My body is freezing, and I'm still wearing the same clothes I was in yesterday. Not that I have a ton of options... But it might have been nice to slip out of my jeans before I passed out. I'm pretty sure I didn't need a drop of alcohol either. I just crashed onto my bed like I was dead.
I don't even remember Beth yelling at me when I came in the door. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Frankly, I don't give a shit right now. My mind is peacefully numb, and I'm scared any second the very thin layer of calm will crack and all the burning pain I have suppressed in a very fragile lock-box will come spilling out, and I won't be able to stop crying.
I don't remember falling asleep. For all I know I had been sleepwalking through the whole damn town of Echo Ridge Pass. But that's okay, because I somehow found my bed. It's not warm. It's not comfortable. But it is mine... sort of.
All I remember was darkness. Not from the lack of sun, or even the moon being covered by the clouds. Technically it should've been a bright night when the snow fell and the waning moon shined off the snow.
But this kind of darkness leaves a mark on your soul. Like a number only the grim reaper knows exists and he's just sticking around long enough until it's called. I vaguely wonder if he was following me around last night. I remember looking over the bridge at the river and just wondering what would happen if I just jumped... Obviously that never happened. But I don't remember a damn thing since then.
I woke up feeling like shit. That is literally the only way to describe what I'm feeling today. In fact, I don't even feel like getting out of bed. I just want to roll over and cover my head with this damn thread bare blanket and pretend the world just doesn't exist any more.
I stomped my way to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I would've screamed if I'd had the energy. As it was, I just grimaced and wondered if I'd been abducted by aliens last night.
My eyes are puffy and bloodshot. My lips are cracked and dry. My hair... Let's say it would've been easier to just shave it all off than comb the knots out. It was damn painful!
I don't know how I finally pulled my ass out of the house. I am still completely ignoring Beth and her bitching. I can hear her demanding that I tell her where the hell I was last night. Well, screw her. I'm 21 years old! She doesn't need to know a damn thing. I can't wait to get the hell away from that house.
My insides are still quivering with the damn fight between Rick and Dean yesterday. The word they threw at each other somehow landed hard. Harder than I wanted to admit... It wasn't Rick's fault. He was defending me. And yet, everything just seemed to bring me down, wondering if he's been lying to me just like James.
I'm glad Rick was willing to fight for me, but according to Dean, I'm not even worth it. I'm just a shit little dancing gold-digger that will ruin Rick's reputation.
I really don't know how he came up with all that, because the last thing I am is a gold-digger. It's not like I was pursuing Rick! He found me! And he's being damn stubborn about not letting me get away from him this time. He swears up and down I already belong to him... And maybe he's right.
And then he had to go and insult my dancing! I don't do it publicly anymore. It hurts too much. I haven't stepped on a stage in 5 years, but that doesn't mean I don't practice in my room when I feel inclined. I don't need the formal training anymore because, obviously, I'm not dancing to be seen. Only when I feel my heart calling for it.
On the other hand, Hailey told me not to listen to the bastard, and Rick promised me he still wanted me. I'm really hoping his promises mean more than James'. The way he's been trying to convince me to give him a chance, I really think I should. I probably should just send James a text saying 'we're done' and then delete his number. I don't know if I owe him anymore than that.