Chapter 201 Breathing
I don't know what happened.
One moment Trent had his mouth on mine, and I was in a haze of lust, then next his hips rocked up against me and I panicked! No, panic is not the right word for what happened. I completely flipped out!
I shot out of his arms and curl in a ball rocking back and forth on the other end of my couch like a complete freak show. To be honest, I'm surprised he didn't storm out of here, cursing my name. But he's not! He looks just as upset as I am.
"Shit! Charlie! I'm so sorry, sweetheart! I didn't mean to!" Trent panics pulling away from me completely. Hands up in the air, but he doesn't approach me or try to reach out to me in anyway. He just freezes.
I hate myself! Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to overreact like this? Will I ever be able to touch him the way I want to, or will this happen every single time he tries to kiss me? Will he finally figure out I'm not worth it and just leave me?
Could I even blame him if he did?
He wasn't even doing anything! In fact, I think it was my fault he bucked up against me. I'd been leaning into him and he just responded, like a normal person, and I went all psycho on him!
Now I'm curled up into a ball, shaking with nerves. I can't seem to focus on anything right now, other than my shattered nerves and how I feel so stupid right now. I don't even know if I can face him! Will he see me as weak and useless as Uncle Jay would say?
My logical brain knows that this is Trent, not Jay. Trent won't hurt me! In fact, he completely backed off. I don't know if he will ever touch me again. And somehow that actually hurts more than it should. I should be relieved. If he doesn't touch me, this will never happen again.
But that doesn't stop my body from shaking in panic. My whole damn body is on information overload and my mind is scattered. I just want to sink into a hole in the ground and never come out.
"Charlie, sweetheart, talk to me," Trent whispers from the other side of the couch, hands up in surrender. He still hasn't left me. He's just looking guilty. But he doesn't understand. It's not really his fault. He didn't know! I didn't tell him... I haven't told anyone!
I blink my eyes, unable to stop the tears, or anything else that is happening to my body. I kinda feel like I'm locked in place, and I don't know what to do.
I want to tell him; it's not my fault... but I can't stop myself from whimpering. I can't even find my voice right now! I'm just... frozen while my senses misfire with no way to stop it.
I look up at him with pain and fear in my eyes and all I can see in his is regret.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't realize this was going to happen. But I'll fix it, okay?" he mumbles. "Can you breathe for me Charlie?"
Breathe? The word seems so foreign at the moment. And yet it's such a simple request that seems to take a monumental effort to achieve.
I only just realized I've been holding my breath, locked up in my chest, just like all my muscles. My chest is burning with the need of more oxygen, and yet, I can't. It's just stuck inside me with no way to release it.
"Let the breath out Charlie," he instructs. "Slowly, sweetheart."
I focus on his instructions, and slowly I release the breath shakily. The ache in my chest relinquishing its hold on me for a moment.
"Good girl, now in, slow and easy, Charlie. Breathe with me," his voice is an anchor, steady and calm. He takes a deep breath in with me, and I follow his actions, in and out. Over and over again. Not focusing on anything other than my breathing.
Once my breathing comes more naturally, and less shaky, I just watch him, and almost like he knows I'm asking what to do next, he answers my unasked questions.
"You're doing so good, Charlie. Now I need you to relax your muscles. Start from your fingers. Release the cramp in your hands, sweetheart. You can do it, just focus on your fingers," his voice is soft and careful.
I focus on my fingers, and I realize he's right. They are cramping and shaking. With great effort, I release the cramp in my hands and fingers. One at a time, I'm able to move them, not much, but a little bit.
"Good, deep breath in," he instructs, once again taking a deep breath in through his nose.
I breathe in deep, filling my lungs with fresh air. I guess I forgot to breathe again.
"Good, now out," he says releasing his breath slowly through his mouth.
I continue to follow his actions and notice the cramp in my hands finally disappear.