Chapter 169 Charlie's Tale- Dark and Stormy Night
I startle awake, panting. I cover my mouth, so I don't accidently scream and wake someone up. I don't want anyone coming to ask me what is wrong.
Josie always seems to know when something is wrong, and I can't do that to her! I'm trying to keep her happy and calm. Rick didn't even have to say anything to me for me to know it's best for her and the baby if she doesn't stress right now.
If she comes in here, I'll have to lie to her, and she'll see right through it. I know she does. She won't push, she never does, but she will worry about me.
I hate lying! It makes me sick inside, but unfortunately, I've had to lie for years now. Just what else am I supposed to do?
I can't go to Liv! She's younger than me, and she never listens anyway. She's much more childish than she should be.
If I had ever gone to Aunt Beth with the truth? She would've beat the shit out of me, and I was already dealing with shit from her husband. No thanks!
It's just a nightmare, Charlie! You know it!
Just breathe! You've got this. In and out. In and out. Push it away. Don't think about it. I need to focus on something else...
Think about Josie's baby. She's almost here! I'm going to be an auntie, even though I'll be gone when she's due. That just depressed me even more.
But depression I can handle. Panic attacks are hell.
For years I've had the same damn nightmare. Different variations of it, but still the same thing. Well, I supposed you could call them memories, they are close enough.
Same damn brown eyes. Same fucking hands. Same panic. Same blood and pain. Same fucking fear racing through my body, even though I should be over it by now!
Breathe... In and out... Calming thoughts... Happy thoughts... I'm safe. No one is even in here with me. No one is ever going to touch me again, or Rick will be sure to take care of them.
Rick's a good guy like that. I'm so glad he finally grew up and married Josie. Now they are the cutest little family... I wish I was capable of having a family, but somehow, I think I'm too broken for that.
And even though I know somewhere in the back of my mind, it's not real, it doesn't stop the pain and panic racing through me. All my panic responses start to flare up. All the physical memories turn to sensory overload and my brain freaks out.
Josie always used to ask me about my nightmares, I'd always lie. I don't even know if she believed me back then! She has this way of looking at me like she is searching for my deepest darkest secret, and I just can't let her get too close! So, I had to lie! It was to save her from the truth, that I don't even know if I told her now, she'd be able to handle.
"It was just Mom and Dad in a car accident," I'd tell her, or sometimes I'd be closer to the truth, "It was just Aunt Beth."
But I would never tell Josie what my dreams really are. I never will. They have to be a secret. It's for the best.
I can't! That would break her all over again.
Recently Josie tried to commit suicide, but somehow, she completely forgot all the shit she went through. I wish I was that lucky. But I don't think I want to try to die on the off chance someone saves me and I block out all my mental anguish like her.
I've tried like hell to be the dependable sister. The one everyone can turn to (even if I'm just the middle sister) when things go wrong. Liv is the pain in the ass. The mess up and spoiled princess. I can't act like the baby! I didn't want to burden Josie more than necessary.
I run my hand over my lower belly and sniff. I'm sure it was for the best. But it doesn't make me feel any better! I was just 17! What was I supposed to do? It would've made things really awkward, I suppose, if it had come to term. There would be questions, and secrets no one wants to reveal.
But still, I would've at least liked to have the choice to keep it! I wasn't even given that! Maybe if I had been born at a different place or a different time, none of this would've happened.
While most stories start with once upon a time, mine begins with it was a dark and stormy night. And I mean that literally.