Chapter 13

The plane landed closer to seven than six, and by that time, Azure was stiff, sore, and cranky. She was also starving, but her first concern was getting to St. Luke’s. She hailed a taxi that drove directly to the hospital. Traffic was still congested in Denver, but it was moderate compared to what she had grown accustomed to in L.A.

Azure paid the cab fare and lugged her suitcase into the hospital with her. At the information desk, she asked for directions to her grandmother’s room. The volunteer directed her to the seventh floor, and Azure took the elevator up. When she left the cab, she searched for 714 and found it after asking a different nurse for more directions.

She wasn’t surprised to see Ruth sitting in a chair near the bed. During her years of employment, she had been more of a friend and companion than a housekeeper. She was one of the few people who liked Brigette, and Azure often thought she was the only person Brigette could even tolerate.

Ruth looked up with watery eyes when she eased into the room. “You’re here.” She stood up, embracing Azure in her girth. “Let’s go down to the cafeteria.”

“Grandmother?” Azure questioned, though the word felt rusty on her tongue. “Can we leave her?”

“She doesn’t know we’re here right now.” Ruth wiped at her eyes. “She’s been in and out of consciousness, and she isn’t really lucid when she’s awake.”

She nodded and followed Ruth back to the elevator, after placing her suitcase in the corner of the room.

“How is she?” asked Azure as they got out of the elevator.

Ruth shook her head. “The doctor doesn’t think she’s going to make it, honey. I’m sorry.”

Azure searched for some scrap of sadness at the news, but all she could summon was a bittersweet wish that her grandmother had been more loving, allowing Azure to love her more in return. “Do they know how long she has?”

“Hours, or a few days, maybe?”

“Will I be able to talk to her?”

“I don’t know.”

They entered the cafeteria. After not eating for most of the day, Azure’s stomach growled at the selection of food, and she grabbed a sandwich, chips, and two cookies. She paid for Ruth’s coffee, and they took a seat at a table, where she began to eat quickly.

“I hardly recognize you,” Ruth said.

“Is that good or bad?” asked Azure after swallowing the bite of her sandwich.

“Neither, really. Just different, you understand? When you left, you were still a child, and now you’re a woman.” She was misty-eyed again and dabbed at her eyes with a napkin. “How have you been?”

Azure planned to give her a trite answer, but somehow the truth came spilling out. Ruth had been the one who had truly raised her for thirteen years, and she was more of a mother or grandmother than Brigette could ever have been. “So, they both love me, and I don’t know who I love,” she said as she finished.

Ruth didn’t show a hint of disapproval, and in fact nodded with understanding. “It’s natural to be confused, honey. You are still so young, and thanks to Brigette, more naïve than most girls your age. It’s no wonder you can’t decide what your heart wants. Perhaps you’re having difficulty because you don’t really want either one of them?”

Azure’s stomach clenched, and she shook her head. “No, it’s not like that. The problem is, I think I love them both.” That was the source of all her problems, and she finally acknowledged it. “Mat wasn’t honest with me,” she added, “And I still don’t know what Dante wants from me.”

“Have you been honest with Mathias?” Ruth asked gently, squeezing Azure’s hand. “Have you told him you love him while you’re also in love with his brother? Have you admitted your true feelings to either one of them?”

Azure shook her head. “I didn’t want to do that until I know who I want.”

Ruth smiled. “I think that’s not the truth, Azure. I think you don’t want to admit you love either of them because you’re afraid of getting rejected. I’m a good friend of your grandmother, and it pains me to say this about her, especially now, but what she did to you was criminal. She blamed you for the supposed sins of your mother, and she rejected you more times than I could count. I watched you fade from a happy little girl to a withdrawn old woman in a child’s body. You’ve learned that love hurts, and I think you’re hiding from your true feelings by using them both as a shield.”

“I don’t want to be hurt again,” Azure whispered in a choked voice.

“No one wants to be hurt, but you can’t love without the possibility. I think love is worth the risk of being hurt, Azure. Don’t wait until it’s too late to change your mind.”

There was a ghost present with them at that moment, but Azure didn’t pry into Ruth’s personal pain. “How do I know which one I love—or which one I love more than the other?”

Ruth shrugged. “I don’t know, kiddo. That’s something only you can decide for yourself. I’ll tell you this as some advice only. Love, true love, is not just sex and passion. It’s friendship and conversation, fun and laughter, tears and pain. He’ll be by your side when you’re hurting and when you’re not. He’ll love you without condition, and he’ll accept you, flaws and all. If he doesn’t do that, or you can’t do the same for him, it isn’t real love.”

“How did you get so smart?” asked Azure, blowing her nose in a napkin.

The pain returned to her eyes. “Personal experience. Maybe I’ll tell you about it someday, when we have more time.” Ruth pushed away from the table. “For now, I think we should return to your grandmother.”

They left the cafeteria and took the elevator back to the seventh floor. When they entered Brigette’s room, she was still asleep.

“How long have you been here with her?” asked Azure, taking in the fatigue on Ruth’s face and the slump of her shoulders.

“Since the stroke last night.”

“I noticed a Howard Johnson just two blocks away,” said Azure, digging in her purse and pulling out her debit card, abstractly wishing she had taken the time to apply for a credit card. “Take my card and get a room. I’ll stay with grandmother while you sleep.”

“I can’t—”

“Yes, you can.” Azure pressed the card into her hand. “When you’ve rested, come back to the hospital, and I’ll go nap. I don’t want to see you before morning.” After a bit of urging, Ruth gave in and left Azure with her grandmother.

Alone with her for the first time, Azure studied Brigette objectively. When she had left, her grandmother had still been vibrant despite her advanced age, but now she looked years older. Her skin was chalk-white, and her always perfectly coiffed hair was messy on the pillow. She seemed to have lost some weight, and it couldn’t all be attributed to the stroke. Idly, Azure wondered if Brigette had regretted driving her away.

The ringing of her cell phone interrupted her inspection, and Azure snatched it up. “Hello?”

“Hi,” said Dante from a thousand miles away. “How is it going there?”

“She’s isn’t awake right now. Ruth told me the doctors don’t think she has long.”

Dante asked, “Will she be able to understand you when she does wake up? I imagine you have some questions for her and some things to say.”

Sighing, Azure sank into the chair Ruth had occupied. “They don’t know. She’s been awake a few times, but not lucid. They don’t know the extent of the brain damage, and I got the impression from Ruth there wasn’t much point in trying to determine it.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Numb.” She pressed the phone closer to her ear. “I didn’t know if I would ever see her again, and I certainly didn’t expect it to be like this. I feel like I should be crying buckets of tears if I were a decent person, but I can’t. It just doesn’t feel right to me.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over that,” Dante answered as the phone made a static hissing sound. “Not to be cold toward a dying woman, but she wasn’t exactly affectionate, darling.”

“Yeah, I know.”

A nurse entered the room, interrupting her. She took Brigette’s vitals and looked over at Azure with a polite smile, before frowning. “I’m afraid you can’t have your cellular phone on here, miss. It doesn’t mix well with pacemakers.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“What is it?” asked Dante.

“I have to get off the phone, Dante. I’m not allowed to have it turned on here in the hospital. I’ll call you tomorrow from the hotel if you want me to.”

“Which hotel?”

“The Howard Johnson near St. Luke’s, but I don’t know my room number yet. I’ll call you when I find out. Right now, I have to go.” She hung up and turned off the phone under the watchful eye of the nurse, stowing it in her bag. “How is she?” she asked the nurse.

“No change.” Her tone was brisk, but not unkind. “I’ll be back in a while,” she added before leaving the hospital room.

Azure’s long flight and stretched nerves caught up with her, and she dozed off in the chair. Something woke her near dawn, and she realized it was her grandmother’s wheezing. She got up from the chair and approached her timidly, wondering if she was awake, and if she would recognize her, or if Brigette would even acknowledge her.

She leaned over the bed and saw her grandmother’s eyes were open, but a bit unfocused. “Grandmother?” she whispered. “Do you know me?”

Brigette blinked at her, stupefied for a moment. Gradually, her eyes cleared, and her mouth moved, but no sound emerged. Her hand shook as she raised it a few inches and tried to speak again, this time saying, “Aaa’zzz’rrr,” in a weak and trembling voice.

Relief washed over her at her grandmother’s recognition. There were some things she had to say to her, had to ask her, before she lost the opportunity forever. “How are you feeling?” Brigette shook her head just a bit, and Azure found the next question springing to her lips without thought. “Were my parents married? I got my birth certificate, and it said they were.”

Brigette screwed up her face. “Yyyy’sss.”

“Why would you lie to me?” asked Azure, more harshly than she intended.

Brigette shook her head. “Lll’yyy’rrr.”

Azure couldn’t make out the words. She could see what the effort was costing her grandmother, and though it was her last chance for answers, she dropped the subject. “You’ll be home in no time.” She lifted Brigette’s hand.

“Nnn,” Brigette contradicted. “Ddd’yyy’ing.”

Azure didn’t try to argue with her grandmother. “Do you want me to get Ruth?” she offered.

Brigette shook her head. “Sss’ttt’aaa’yyy.”

Azure held her hand until her grandmother’s eyes closed again. The sadness that she hadn’t allowed herself to feel until now welled up in her, and it took all her strength to maintain composure. She stayed with Brigette throughout the night, but her grandmother didn’t regain consciousness.

When Ruth arrived the next morning, Azure took her case and walked the two blocks to the hotel, wondering if she would ever see her grandmother alive again.

She had barely set her case on the bed that hadn’t been slept in when there was a knock at the door. Azure opened it as she fought back a yawn and was stunned to see Dante standing in the hallway. “What are you doing here?”

“You sounded like you needed some support.” He shrugged. “I had some free time, so—”

The tears she’d fought off poured from her eyes, and Dante took her into his arms, offering comfort. She wept until no more tears came, and he continued to hold her, rubbing her back. “I didn’t think it would bother me at all. Does that make me a bad person?”

“No, love. It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love you.”

Though Azure knew he was referring to her grandmother, the words brought fresh tears to her eyes. Did he feel like that? Did he love her while thinking she didn’t love him? She hugged him, offering him comfort whether he knew it or not.

Slowly, she pulled him down on the bed beside her, and her hug turned to kisses.

“Azure, this isn’t a good idea.”

“It’s a great idea,” she said huskily. “Don’t you want me?”

His eyebrow shot up. “Of course I do, but nothing has changed. Nothing’s been resolved between us—you, me, and Mathias.”

“Please,” Azure pleaded. “I need you, Dante.”

“For how long?” He sounded bitter but allowed himself to be pulled into her arms. He let her draw strength and comfort from him, but he wore an expression of pain—as if his heart was breaking—the whole time they made love. When it was over, he laid beside her on the bed, and remorse for causing him pain overwhelmed her. She started crying, and he soothed her about her grandmother’s situation. She was too upset to explain the tears were for him, and what she’d done to him again. Instead, she cried herself to exhaustion and was soon snoring.

They were awakened by Ruth, frantically shaking Azure. “Honey, wake up. You have to come to the hospital as soon as you can. Your grandmother is slipping away.”

“Why didn’t you call?” asked Azure groggily as she sat up, clutching the blanket to her naked chest. In different circumstances, she would have been embarrassed by Ruth finding her in bed with a man, but there was no time to indulge in such emotions right now.

“I tried, but the phone kept ringing, and no one answered. I even had the concierge come up and knock on your door,” Ruth said. “I’m going back now, so do try to hurry.” She shot a quick look at Dante and hurried from the room.

Azure rose from the bed and fumbled for her clothes, sliding on her underwear and pants before putting on Dante’s shirt without realizing. He had also been dressing with haste, and she saw him remove another shirt from his case rather than ask her for the one he had been wearing. When she realized she wore his shirt, she thought about changing and decided there was no time.

Holding hands, they covered the two blocks in a near-run and hurried into the elevators.

“I don’t want to do this.” She squeezed his hand. “I know I have to though.”

“You’ll be fine.” Dante kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll be there, and so will Ruth.”

Azure nodded and led him into 714.

Brigette’s eyes were closed, and her breathing was shallow. The monitor reflected a slow pulse and erratic blood pressure, along with low oxygen levels. Azure leaned over the bed and touched her grandmother’s wrinkled face. “Grandmother.”

To her surprise, Brigette’s eyes opened very briefly and she said one clear word before her eyes closed again. “Letter.”

Azure frowned. “What, Grandmother?” she asked, but there was no response. As they watched, within a matter of minutes, the iron bitch who had ruled her life and denied her so much just faded away. Her life signs ceased to register, triggering an alarm, and Azure had difficulty believing her grandmother had surrendered so easily. She turned away and buried her head against Dante’s chest, feeling the tears clog her throat once more, but they refused to fall.

A doctor had arrived for the final few minutes, and she scribbled something on Brigette’s chart before shutting off the monitors. “I’m sorry,” she said on her way out of the room.

“Let’s get out of here,” said Azure in a rush. Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe in the small hospital room, and she hurried to the door, quickly followed by Dante. Ruth lingered for just a moment to squeeze the hand of her friend before following them.

In the elevator, asked Azure, “What letter? Do you know what she was talking about, Ruth?”

Ruth shook her head. “I don’t, Azure, I’m sorry. Perhaps Kenneth Seals, her attorney, will know?”

“We have to bury her now,” said Azure in a distant tone. She turned to Dante. “When do you’ve to get back?”

He put his arm around her. “I bought an open-ended ticket, so I can stay as long as you need me.”