Chapter 12
Mathias arrived a few minutes later, and Azure opened the door, looking nervous. There were tears on her cheeks, and he touched one with a gentle finger, brushing it away. “What happened?” he asked.
She hurled herself into his arms, and he hugged her. Never in a million years had he dreamed she would be in his arms for any reason after their confrontation in the garden.
“Dante left, but he said something to me—”
“He’s met someone else?”
Azure tore away from his embrace, and he followed her inside the rest of the way, closing the door behind him. “No, there’s no one else, Mat. I think he’s in love with me.”
Swallowing with difficulty, said Mathias, “You must be so happy.”
“I thought I would be. I thought that was what I wanted, but now I’m all confused.” He tried to hug her again and she pushed him away. “Damn you for kissing me. I had everything all worked out until you made me realize that I didn’t.” Even she knew that didn’t make much sense, but she continued to rail at Mat. “This is all your fault.” She dropped onto the couch. “No, it’s all my fault,” she added quietly.
Mathias sat down beside her. “I’m a little lost. What are we talking about?”
“Dante told me I had to decide who I want, and he won’t wait forever.” Azure swiped at the tears on her cheeks. “I don’t know who I want though. I don’t know how to deal with this.”
“Who else is there besides Dante?” asked Mathias in a thick voice, barely daring to hope.
***
Azure pushed her hair off her sweaty face. “Don’t be dense, Mat. You must know I’m attracted to you.” She sighed. “But, until tonight, I was sleeping with Dante.”
Mathias sat there in silence, and Azure stared at him for a long moment. “Say something, dammit. Tell me you want me too, or that you aren’t interested, or something. Don’t just sit there without saying a word.”
“I want you too, but I don’t want to hurt Dante.”
She shook her head. “I already took care of that,” she whispered.
“So what are you going to do? What are we going to do?”
She jumped to her feet and started pacing again. “I don’t know. I don’t have any answers, and more questions just keep coming along.”
“Do you want me to go?” asked Mathias.
Azure nodded. “For tonight, but I want to see you again. Dante was right when he said that I have to face this. I need to decide what my heart wants before any of us can get on with our lives.” She turned white. “Unless you don’t want to be part of this. I don’t know what kind of relationship you want with me.”
Tenderly, Mathias brushed a lock of hair off her cheek. “I want it all, Azure.”
She turned away from him. “Don’t do this to me right now. Please don’t say that again for a while, until things are more under control.”
“All right,” he agreed. “Do you want to have dinner or something tomorrow night?”
“Why don’t you come over here? I don’t feel like going out right now.”
“Fine. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He rose from the couch and left without another word.
Azure locked the door behind him and collapsed on the couch, crying again. Her life was a complete mess, and she had no clue how to straighten it all out. What was she doing? What was she going to do?
***
She didn’t bother to dress up for Mathias the next evening. Azure didn’t attempt to make dinner. Instead, she ordered in a pizza and salads. She answered the door in a pair of pajama pants and a halter-top, looking as if she’d just gotten out of bed. He raised his eyebrows but didn’t comment.
“Have a seat.” She waved her hand in the direction of the couch, and he sat down. “What would you like to drink? Pepsi, milk, or juice?”
“Um, Pepsi,” said Mathias, while studying her. She seemed so blasé about his presence, as if she didn’t care at all. What was he doing here, putting himself through this torture? If he were smart, he’d be running as far away as he could right about now.
She set a glass of Pepsi on the table, and he came into the kitchen, sitting at the oak dinette set. “You’ll have to give me the tour after dinner. I haven’t seen everything yet.”
“No one has except Lois and Ava.”
Mathias felt a little twinge in his stomach when she inadvertently revealed that Dante hadn’t seen the bedroom. “I’m looking forward to it,” he said aloud and fought down a blush.
The conversation during dinner was stilted, and he could tell she was uncomfortable with him. He longed for the days when they had first met, and she would talk to him for hours after she had gotten over her shyness. Since he’d allowed his feelings for her to show, nothing had been the same.
After she cleared the table, she asked, “Do you want to watch a movie?”
“That sounds good.” Mathias left the kitchen and sat on the couch.
She sat beside him on the couch and turned on the cable guide. They both agreed on a movie on HBO, and she turned off the lights. “Do you want popcorn?”
He shook his head. “I couldn’t eat another bite.”
***
Feeling nervous, Azure laid her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes as sensations rushed through her body from that simple contact. Mathias wrapped his arm around her, and they watched the movie just like that. When it ended, she turned off the television, but made no move towards the lamp.
She lifted her head, finding his mouth in the dark. Somehow, it was easier to touch him without the light on, so she could hide from herself in the dark. She was confronting her feelings, but at what cost? Who was she going to be when this was over, and how would she live with herself?
***
Mathias knew she probably wasn’t ready for more than a few casual caresses, and he made the most of what she initiated. He spent several minutes kissing her before the awkward angle of his neck made it ache. Slowly, so he wouldn’t frighten her, Mathias shifted their positions until she sat on his lap. A partially raised blind provided some illumination, but not enough for him to see her expression, or vice versa.
***
She did her best not to compare Mathias to Dante, but his face kept intruding. Determined to make him go away, even briefly, she pressed closer to Mat and tugged at his shirt. He reciprocated by sliding his hands under her halter-top, finding her without a bra. Eventually, Azure did banish Dante from her thoughts as Mathias touched her intimately.
She came with a small cry and enjoyed it physically, but Dante’s face returned to her almost immediately. She blotted the tears in her eyes against Mat’s chest, and he hugged her to him, not knowing she was crying. Discreetly, she wiped them away.
“It’s getting late,” he said a few minutes later. “I should head home.”
She clutched his shirt. “No. Stay with me. We can cuddle and sleep together.” Her words were ambiguous, but she meant just sleeping for now. She wanted to explore things with Mat to see where they’d lead, but she wouldn’t have been ready to hop into bed with him even if Dante’s face hadn’t intruded.
“If you want me to, sure.” He stood up.
She did the same, taking his hand to lead him back to the bedroom. She didn’t know if it was guilt or something more that had brought Dante’s face to her in the moment of her climax, but she was determined to explore this thing with Mathias until she knew which brother she loved.
A few minutes later, they laid curled together in the bed. It was sweet and simple. The conversation was sporadic but flowed easily. She started to relax and curled against him. Snuggling with Mat left her more confused than ever.
***
When she awoke the next morning, he was still beside her in the bed, holding her close to him as he slept. She felt achy in the pit of her stomach, staring at his unguarded face. There was tenderness in her emotions that she didn’t remember feeling with Dante. Mathias stoked warm, gentle emotions, while Dante made feelings sweep through her like a wildfire. Was the tenderness love, or was it just the newness of the relationship? The intensity with Dante seemed closer to obsession than love, but she really didn’t know.
With a sigh, Azure realized that she had resolved nothing. She had only complicated her situation by getting this close to Mathias while her thoughts were still on Dante. She still had no idea who she wanted, and she was no closer to making the right decision.
Both brothers loved her—well she thought they did. Mathias had said as much, and Dante had danced around the words without actually saying. The question was, which—if either—did she love? She couldn’t make them both wait forever while she tried to decide. She knew she couldn’t have both. She had to choose and do it soon, before she lost both of them. She might have already lost Dante. The thought brought a sharp burning sensation to her lungs.
Mathias opened his eyes and smiled at her. “Good morning.” He yawned and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes, I did.” She had been surprised how well she’d slept curled against Mathias. Of course, the few times she had spent the whole night with Dante, she’d slept like a baby too. Azure closed her eyes, trying to eliminate the thought. She wasn’t trying to compare the brothers and come out with the better one. All she wanted to do was figure out what her heart and mind wanted in the shortest amount of time possible.
“Would you like me to make breakfast?”
“Sure.” She got out of bed, feeling self-conscious in her bra and panties. “I think I’ll take a shower, if you don’t mind?”
“No problem.” He slid from the bed and put on his pants, seeming to deliberately avert his eyes.
Azure put on a robe and went into the bathroom, turning the water as hot as she could stand it. After washing her hair, she wound it in a towel and put on her robe again.
Mathias stood at the stove when she came out, holding the phone. “It just rang,” he mouthed. “Hello?”
“Mathias?” Dante’s cold tone transmitted clearly from the headset, even without being on speakerphone setting.
Mathias visibly cringed. “Yeah. What’s up?”
“Azure just had a call from someone named Ruth—”
“Hold on, she’s right here.”
Reluctantly, Azure took the phone. “Hello?” Her voice emerged as a timid whisper, and she grimaced.
Dante sounded distant. “Ruth called here this morning. She didn’t have your new phone number.”
“Oh, I forgot to call her.” She sighed. “Is something wrong?”
“Your grandmother had a stroke last night.”
Feeling numb, said Azure, “I see.”
“She thought you might want to come home for a few days. According to the doctors, it’s pretty serious.”
“Okay,” Azure agreed. “Thanks, Dante.”
“Hang in there, honey.” His voice seemed to freeze after he said the endearment. “Keep me posted.”
“Of course,” she said, hanging up the phone. She didn’t even have time to think about the awkwardness of Mathias answering her phone at eight in the morning when Dante was the other caller. “I have to go back to Colorado for a few days,” said Azure in a distant voice. “I think I’ll take a rain check on breakfast.” She padded into the bedroom.
“What’s happened?” he asked as he followed her.
“My grandmother had a stroke during the night.” She sat at the desk to open her laptop, bringing up a booking site with airline choices. Selecting one at random, she clicked on the flight available at two that afternoon. “Can you hand me my purse?” she asked Mathias while entering her information. He returned from the living room with it, and she pulled out her debit card to pay for the flight before going straight to the closet to pull down a suitcase.
“Do you want me to stay or would you rather be alone?”
“I think I need some time by myself right now,” said Azure, while wishing he would take her into his arms and offer her some comfort. She didn’t really know what she wanted, but as he dressed and prepared to leave, she couldn’t help thinking that Dante would have known what she needed.
Mathias kissed her gently. “If you need me, please call.”
“I will.” She gave him a wan smile. “Thanks for last night.”
“Thank you.” He gave her a sexy grin before his serious expression returned. “If you need time off or something, the album can wait awhile.”
“I’ll let you know.” She walked him out, exchanging one more kiss with him at the front door.
When he was gone, she finished packing, still feeling as if she was frozen from the brain down. She had inferred from Dante that her grandmother was dying, so shouldn’t she be more upset or worried? Shouldn’t she be thinking about Brigette, instead of thinking about last night, and what a mess her life was?
With a sigh, Azure dressed and phoned Brigette’s home. There was no answer, so she left a message on the machine. “This is Azure. My flight leaves at two, so I should be there around. I hope you get a chance to call me before noon, so I’ll know which hospital she’s in. My cell number is five-five-five-zero-two-eight-four. If I don’t hear from you by then, I’ll call around and try to find her.”
Azure spent the rest of the morning waiting for Ruth to call, wishing Ruth had thought to tell Dante which hospital was treating her grandmother. At noon, she called information for Denver and got the numbers of the five largest hospitals. She called Saint Joseph and Lutheran Medical, but her grandmother wasn’t a patient at either place. Her next call was to Columbia Presbyterian/St. Luke’s, where her grandmother was a patient.
She left another message for Ruth. “I tracked down the hospital, so I’ll meet you there as soon I can after my flight lands.”
She called a cab company to send a taxi over in forty minutes and had just brought out her suitcase and set it by the door when the bell rang. Expecting Dante or Mathias, she was surprised to see Denise standing on her doorstep. She frowned. “Hello?”
“Hey.” Denise looked pensive. “Can I talk to you?”
Azure looked at her watch. “I only have a few minutes before my taxi arrives.”
“Okay. I’m sorry about your grandmother, by the way.” Her tone was gentle, but her eyes flashed with an all-together different emotion, and it wasn’t nice or sympathetic. “I’ll try not to take too long.”
“Okay.” Azure moved aside to let her in and closed the door. She sat down in a chair and waited for Denise to speak. After a moment, she prodded her. “What’s on your mind?”
“It’s about Dante and Mathias.” She dropped her gaze. “Everyone knows you have sort of a thing with Dante, or you did. He’s looked down the last couple of days, and this morning when I stopped by their house, Mat seemed really cheerful. I don’t want to pry into your private life, and I don’t want to know what you’re doing with either of them, but I thought someone should tell you about Mat and Jada.”
“Jada?” Azure’s frown deepened. “What are you talking about?”
“They were involved for a really long time, like two years,” Denise said. “They were engaged and everything, and Mathias was the one who persuaded her to go in for treatment for her drug problem.”
“I had no idea.” She shrugged. “What does this have to do with me?” She forced her expression to remain bland.
“Well, it’s just that I thought you might want to know what happened. Jada got pregnant and—”
“They have a child?” She jumped to her feet, temporarily forgetting she wanted to keep her emotions shielded from Denise.
She shook her head. “No. Jada aborted it. She didn’t think she was ready for a child, and she was worried about birth defects, since she’d started using again. She didn’t want him to know about the drugs, so she didn’t tell Mat about the pregnancy or the abortion. Somehow, he found out about it just a few hours before the wedding.” The note of forced innocence in her voice left little doubt about how Mathias had learned the truth. “He stood her up at the church, and it nearly destroyed her. I didn’t think Burning Starr was going to make it through the crisis, but we held together. Dante persuaded her to go back through rehab, but it didn’t work very well. She’s just gotten worse, until she finally agreed to inpatient treatment.”
“Is that it?” She had regained control of her facial muscles, though her insides churned.
Denise shrugged. “Pretty much everything. They sort of repaired their friendship, and he goes to visit her at least once a week, but I thought you might want to know.”
“Why would it be important?” asked Azure.
“I don’t want to see you get hurt, and I don’t want you to come between Dante and Mathias, or tear the band apart. I thought you might do the decent thing and clear out before anyone else gets hurt.”
“I’m sure your motivations were purely altruistic. The fact that if I leave you might get lead vocals makes no difference to you.” She made no attempt to hide her sarcasm.
Her eyes narrowed. “You don’t belong in Burning Starr. I was here from the beginning, and lead vocal should have been mine.”
“You aren’t good enough for lead female vocalist,” said Azure, almost gently. “You need to go now, Denise, and please don’t come back. I’m not going to mention this to Dante or Mathias unless you do it again. Don’t make me ask them to choose between us, because I won’t like being in that position, and I don’t think you’ll like the outcome.”
“Bitch,” Denise hissed as she walked out, slamming the door behind her.
Azure tried to force her thoughts back to her grandmother, but Denise’s words played through her brain as she locked the door and got in her taxi, which had been waiting about five minutes. During the ride to the airport and after boarding the plane, all she could think about was Mathias and Jada. Mathias making love to Jada. Mathias about to marry Jada. Why hadn’t he told her? Was he still in love with her? The thought of them together made her flinch, and when she imagined how Dante must be feeling, thinking she had slept with Mathias, she started crying quietly.
Her neighbor asked, “What’s wrong, miss?”
Azure used her grandmother as an excuse for her tears and subsided into silence. He didn’t speak to her again, seeming to respect her need for silence, and Azure spent the flight torturing herself with images of Mathias and Jada together, along with thinking about how Dante must feel. Was he sitting at home, torturing himself by imagining how it had been with her and Mat?
Mathias, and the recent revelations, had just added to her confusion. If he really wanted a relationship with her, why wouldn’t he have told her about Jada? Surely, at some point, he could have told her he’d nearly married Jada after being with her for two years. It crossed her mind that Dante hadn’t mentioned it either. Rather than feel annoyed with him, she found herself respecting Dante for not using the information to drive a wedge between her and Mat.