38- Double loss

Same world: world I.

September 16, 2016, night.

After eating, we go straight to Faven's parents' house. It's the same house from her childhood and the one we would visit on some weekends. They never sold the house while they were living in Pierre, so once the tragic event happened, they didn't want to stay in the city where their son died. At least, that's what I can conclude from what Liry told me.

Now my stomach is a victim of my impending nerves. In fact, I'm worried that I might vomit at any moment. Liry was the "easiest" step among the paths I have to go through. Seeing Faven's parents and entering their house without him… What an unexpected scenario. Did Dakota already go through this, since she looks so calm? She's the first one to get off the Liry and park in front of the property. She didn't hesitate for a second to move to the trunk and wait for Liry to open it. As for me, I'm still inside. There are too many emotions in one day.

"Are you going to stay in there forever, Eron?" Dakota asks from outside.

"Dakota, leave him. It's hard for him," Liry tells her. I notice that he's trying to say it quietly, but I can still hear him. "Remember this is his first time returning since it happened."

I see from the rearview mirror how Dakota forms a line with her mouth and nods. Then I see her looking down with something I identify as… guilt? I'm used to her talking to me like this, but it certainly doesn't sit well with me in this circumstance.

I force myself to be a little braver, so I leave the vehicle. Should I confront my past? I don't know. But I'm already here.

How many times have I thought that I'm already here? It's starting to feel like my mantra.

I go straight to the trunk because my adrenaline rush isn't enough to fill me with the courage I need to go alone to the front door, which, judging by what I hear, has just been opened. Oh, damn.

I hope to hear Mickey's barks, Faven's dog, in the distance. But all I hear is Mrs. Diana Hope's voice, his mother. She shouts my companion's name, and she runs to hug the older woman. I hear the younger one showering her with compliments. Wow. Maybe she's doing it out of courtesy. I notice that Mrs. Hope looks a bit… older?

Heavens, Eron. She lost her son. What did you expect? A glow-up?

"It's nice to see you again, little Eron," she abandons Dakota and addresses me.

She hugs me before I can say anything. It's ironic that she still calls me little Eron because I left her behind in height years ago. But here, once again, I feel the motherly love that I didn't have in my own family. She, unlike Liry, is more effusive and hugs with all the strength she has. Honestly, I don't remember the last time she didn't hug me in this peculiar and affectionate way. She always does it when she sees me. I'm sure Faven inherited these characteristics from his kind mother.

I return the hug as soon as I can process it. Amazingly, I don't feel like crying. I was mentally preparing myself to feel embarrassed in front of them because these days I've been nothing but a crybaby, but I feel something different right now. I don't know if I can classify this feeling as peace, because it's not. I think it's more of surprise.

Angus, the older Mr. Hope, is not waiting for us in the living room. He's in the backyard, minding his own business. His plants are his center, as they have always been. We can see it because the blinds are up and the sliding doors are open.

"Darling, the kids have arrived," Diana Hope announces.

"Welcome," he says from his position. He doesn't look very happy.

"Excuse him, kids. He didn't sleep well. Come in, come in. Take a seat if you'd like," she gestures with her hands. "I don't know if Liry told you, but we'll be having apple pie."

My chest hurts. In this room, more than vivid memories from previous years, I can see the photographs that the family left on display for everyone. In one of them, we are all there; Faven, Mr. Angus, Mrs. Diana, Liry, and me. I take a deep breath and walk along the row of photos on the wall, and I travel. I travel a lot. I remember everything and nothing at the same time. There are so many photos that I would have to stop and count them. From the bottom of my heart comes the desire to have a time machine just to go back to those beautiful moments and freeze them forever.

I see a photo of the family with a girl. Or, well, a teenager. I manage to determine that it's Dakota, but without strange highlights or extra makeup. Her hair was brown and barely reached Faven's shoulder. She was there, smiling. Her crooked teeth couldn't betray what she was going through back then.

What a fool I was not to recognize her on the bus if this photo has been there for many years. I assumed that the teenager in that photo was a cousin of Faven's, not the famous Dakota. They have a couple more photos with her, nothing more.

I return to the first photo I saw. It's not on the wall, but on a table. My eyes sting as I take it in my hands. It's likely that my longing is visible in my eyes. I don't know. My hands grip this piece of wood tightly. I prevent the explosion of my feelings from making me scream. I really… I can't look at this, but I'm also unable to stop looking at it.

I really don't know what to do since he left. I've avoided looking at photos of him since that day. I think this is the first time in months. I don't remember. Why have I run away from everything like a coward?

I start to feel this crazy fear of forgetting him. If I sometimes listen to his phone messages, it's with the intention of never forgetting his voice. I heard that this happens to many people with family members who have passed away. I don't want that to happen to me with him. Never.

I snap out of my trance when someone snatches the photo from me. I quickly realize it's Mr. Angus who now has it. I freeze in place. I see him return the picture to its place, and the severity in his features does nothing good for my emotional state.

"We were waiting for you that day, Eron. You didn't come. I don't know what you're pretending here if when you had the first chance to lend us a helping hand, you turned your back on us," he tells me directly. "Why did you come up with this absurd idea of having a second family here if, when you had the opportunity, you abandoned us?"

I wasn't prepared to hear that. I mean… I imagined it could happen, but now that I'm experiencing it, I'm speechless. I swallow because my throat feels dry.

"Darling, try to understand Eron a little," Liry puts a hand on his dad's shoulder.

"He left, and the one who was supposed to be my other son left that day too. I was only left with the girls," he mutters. I see Mr. Hope's eyes bloodshot. "I can understand that it hurts, Eron. And yes, you lost your best friend, but I lost two of my children on February 18th. Don't forget that you're not the only one miserable in this shitty world."

I blink several times. I still can't speak. Dakota murmurs, "I'm sorry. I didn't expect this to happen."

This is not about you, Dakota. The blame is on me. I'm sorry; I'm sorry for being a fucking coward.